By Anonymous

Alarmed

Today, after 5 hours of attempting to sleep, I began to finally drift off. Then, some fuckwit who'd parked his car right outside my door took 20 minutes to switch his alarm off. I have to be up in about 4 hours, after a 12-hour night shift, heading into another. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Commando

Can we be friends?

By Work Life Imbalance - 17/2/2021 22:59

Hope springs eternal

Today, I started working my third job, on top of a full time job and a casual job. Why? My partner got sacked from her job, because she did nothing while working from home. She will look for a job "when the economy improves and we hit peak vaccination." Vaccinations don’t start in my country for another 6 weeks. FML

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By crazycatwaiter - 22/6/2020 23:06

Trip Advisor says no

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

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By jenny2989 - United States

Today, I reached behind my couch to plug my phone charger in. My arm got stuck and I had to wait for my roommate to get home to help me. FML

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By LJ - United States

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

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By lily_marleen - Germany - Emskirchen

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

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By carr - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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By bootyislife - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By WhoopsIDidItAgain - 8/3/2021 02:01 - United States - Fremont

Whistleblower

Today, I found out my best friend is having a full-blown affair with her coworker. She's a minor. He's not. FML

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By lizzard0416 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

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By Madeline Lee - France - Pessac

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

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By tuck87 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By Renzy

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

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By legitfile.bat.virus.exe - United States - Placerville

Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I found out my roommate Skypes my friends on my laptop when I'm away. Not only that, he covers his face and shows them his junk. My friends no longer answer Skype calls from me. FML

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By Bad Cat

Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

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By Ashley - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By racchhh - United States

Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML

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By tictacnose - Canada

Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML

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By whaleninjapoop - United States - Raleigh

Today, I jokingly tried to convince my girlfriend that Wyoming was a government conspiracy and did not exist. She believed me. FML

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By ummmmEW - United States

Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

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By slaughterteddy - United States

Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML

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By

Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

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By sadpoorlady - United Kingdom - Appley Bridge

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phillipsburg

Today, I begged a coworker to let me borrow her lighter for my smoke break, since I'd lost mine. She was reluctant because of my track record of losing the darn things. After my break I stopped to use the restroom really quick, and promptly dropped the lighter into the toilet. FML

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By blegh - United Kingdom

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

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By chefdujour - United States

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my fianc''s grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him, "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML

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By Pauline - United States

Today, I visited my son at his university accommodations and noticed he's clearly never cleaned it since he moved in two years ago. I tried cleaning it myself, but gave up entirely when I found what looked like mushrooms growing out of an old takeout container. FML

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By ScarredDaughter - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

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By Singlelady - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By FATS DOMINO - United States

Today, my sister finally broke down and told me that our dad gambled away of all my college savings, and I would have to pay for school the best way I can. They have known for months, and when I asked why nobody told me, the reply was, "You're a college boy, we thought you would figure it out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML

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By fuckmeitsgettingworse - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I was excited about my friend going wedding dress shopping. Before I went to go work out, I decided to try on a prom dress from high school to remember what it felt like to get dressed up. It was too tight, I broke the zipper, and spent 45 minutes trapped before I cut myself out. FML

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By daddysboy123 - United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

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By Repethetic - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML

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Top comments

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7841639 - Sunday 8 September 2019 21:21

You should invest in earplugs and/or ambient/white noise. When my neighbors blast their music until all hours of the night, I put on my earplugs and listen to my own music to help myself fall asleep. There's always another option, you just have to look.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7841644 - Sunday 8 September 2019 21:36

A better option: sledgehammer.

COMMENTS

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7841639 - Sunday 8 September 2019 21:21

You should invest in earplugs and/or ambient/white noise. When my neighbors blast their music until all hours of the night, I put on my earplugs and listen to my own music to help myself fall asleep. There's always another option, you just have to look.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7841644 - Sunday 8 September 2019 21:36

A better option: sledgehammer.

By Trinity Fenwick | 7

#7842288 - Tuesday 10 September 2019 14:26

pick up some eggs on your way home. wink, wink.