Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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Season finale

Trip Advisor says no

Buzzing the tower

By RKD - 23/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Panama City

Dodged a bullet, TBH

Today, my girlfriend, whom I thought I would marry, broke up with me. She broke up with me because I don't believe the government controls the weather. Um, what? FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2013 23:16 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. After the doctor made me waddle across the room towards him, hop on one foot for thirty seconds, and then lay on my stomach and do the worm, he finally said, "OK, that wasn't really part of the check-up. You're large on the hips. Lay off the Cheetos." FML

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By Anonim23 - 25/6/2019 00:15

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

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By Username - 1/7/2010 04:55 - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By hoo flung pu - 3/10/2013 08:26 - United States

Today, my dog figured out she can wipe her butthole on my walls after having squeezed out a turd or two. FML

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By A - 9/2/2012 06:37 - United States

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

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By wasntme - 10/5/2020 08:00

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2017 01:30

Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML

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By - 14/11/2019 21:00 - Hong Kong

Wedding anniversary

Today, my husband and I decided to have sex after our 2nd year anniversary dinner. When we started taking each other's clothes off, my husband suddenly said that he forgot to turn the water tap off, then he went away and didn't come back, I literally waited for 2 hours! FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:17 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

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By MystoganFT - 17/12/2015 02:55 - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

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By WoofWoof - 7/12/2009 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 06:01

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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By toomuchwork - 13/9/2018 01:30

Today, as I was leaving for a 2-week vacation after working my ass off for 2 years, my area manager handed me a project. It's a 3-week job, and he told me he needs it when I get back. FML

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By HarleyGirl - 25/4/2017 18:00 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, I watched my fiancé ride off on my motorcycle with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 21:23 - United States - Annandale

Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML

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By miiiiilk - 5/12/2010 11:12 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 22:00

Today, I went into my fridge and someone had drank all the beer. Only my 8-year-old son lives with me. FML

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By SalonGirl - 10/3/2009 11:55 - United States

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 08:07 - Canada

Today, I went to Britney's concert. About halfway through the show, the person next to me turns to me and asks, "Can you do me a favour?" Thinking that she wanted me to look after her stuff, I said sure. Her next sentence was: "Can you stop singing?" FML

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By Ugh-Lee - 30/9/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 12:06 - Netherlands

Today, after spending two weeks renovating my room and $1000 on paint and a new floor, my landlord told me that he's sold the house. Also, he was kind enough to inform me that unless I paint the walls back to white, I won't be getting my $500 deposit back. FML

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By julia - 11/6/2011 11:12 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

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By - 1/1/2009 03:45 - France

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

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By hahasuckit - 25/12/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, my friends and I were shopping for dresses. I asked the lady at the counter for a size 4, she looked at me and mumbled "Yeah right." in front of everyone. FML

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By June - 5/10/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

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By allergies - 18/9/2015 14:43 - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

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By brighteyes - 31/1/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I tried to befriend the lonely boy who sits at the end of my table at lunch. He always sleeps or does homework during lunch. I walked over to him, tripped, and spilled my open bottle of water on his jeans. I apologized profusely and wiped off his pants with napkins. He got hard. FML

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By eeelise5296 - 1/3/2012 20:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 03:32 - United States

Today, it snowed. So, a guy I like and I decided to go sledding. I really wanted to impress him by going down the hill and casually slowing down at the bottom right at his feet. Instead, I crashed into him and broke his ankle. FML

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By InDeepBlue - 10/9/2019 06:00

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

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By queenbee12345678 - 19/2/2012 19:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2018 05:00

Today I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

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By Jenn P - 22/4/2012 03:15 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Dodged a bullet

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her father looked me up and down, said, “No” then went back to his TV. My girlfriend immediately broke up with me and threw me out. I even had to get a really expensive taxi home, because we’d driven in her car and I had no idea what part of the city I was in. FML

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By dating a fking cnt - 10/11/2012 00:16 - Canada

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. My girlfriend had agreed to come over after and make sure I was okay, so I called her, saying I was done. She told me she'd made new plans, and to "just suck on a tampon, you pussy". FML

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By deserted - 1/9/2010 07:05 - France

Today, I was going to meet my friend at a concert. I got there before her, so I went in to check out the local bands that were playing before the headliner. When she got there, I went just outside the building to give her a ticket. The security guards wouldn't let me back in. She went in anyway. FML

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Top comments

By thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#1890469 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:00

You should have peed on him.

By rofflewaffle | 9

#1890479 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:01

Hopefully you're just a grower, not a shower. At least you don't go around looking at other dudes' dicks like that kid.

COMMENTS

By thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#1890469 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:00

You should have peed on him.

Reply

crabgass | 3

#1890500 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:04

kids say the darndest things

Reply

shiv0323 | 0

#1890865 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:03

im a kid and they are really imature

Reply

ayleyyasuko | 0

#1891289 - Saturday 25 December 2010 21:42

he was probably going to say that to anyone who was in there no matter what their junk size was. babyteen kids think that stuff is funny.

no worries, OP. if nothing else, your wife probably thinks you have a bombastic personality despite your Weimar.

Reply

Alzied | 0

#1891371 - Saturday 25 December 2010 22:23

No he shoulda grabbed him by the back of his head, inserted his mini penis into his mouth, and finished peeing.

Reply

chelsea2388 | 0

#1892535 - Sunday 26 December 2011 9:33

wow lol

Reply

FAILml | 7

#1892945 - Sunday 26 December 2011 14:46

47- my friend's father did that to him. the father got in jail for 2 years. and btw ur pp is gay, looks like bruno -_-

Reply

MariahB | 0

#1894333 - Monday 27 December 2011 2:17

hahah heck yes!

Reply

TheVariableX | 0

#1898692 - Tuesday 28 December 2011 1:12

Well I think it says something that he had to go into a stall to pee. I'm assumeing he peed.

Reply

ProfessionalTrol_fml | 14

#4541403 - Friday 8 June 2012 20:23

Just wait till it gets hard

By rofflewaffle | 9

#1890479 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:01

Hopefully you're just a grower, not a shower. At least you don't go around looking at other dudes' dicks like that kid.

Reply

UrTheWorstCharac | 0

#1891088 - Saturday 25 December 2010 20:09

Lol. Touché!

Reply

felipe87 | 2

#1891466 - Saturday 25 December 2010 23:32

yea that kid must have been gay, straight guys do everything they can to keep from seeing another guys stuff.

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#1891935 - Sunday 26 December 2011 3:38

^^^

Not really. That sounds like a closet case, hahaha. I don't look at other guys' dicks, but I don't close my eyes when I go into a bathroom or lockerroom, or when I watch a movie that happens to have male nudity. Seeing a dick won't kill me or make me gay, lol.

Reply

phorcep | 0

#1896145 - Monday 27 December 2011 14:00

Protip: "not closing your eyes" and "staring at a guy's dick while he's pissing" aren't the same thing.

By SabyTheDevil | 0

#1890487 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

IMA_CoolCat | 0

#1890891 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:17

LOL^

By Anteezy | 7

#1890504 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:04

Woah he broke the urinal rule, never look down.
Kids these days...

Reply

bagginzy | 14

#1902136 - Wednesday 29 December 2011 4:19

That kid will be gay I know it

By TungstenLildog | 10

#1890511 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:06

He was going to say that no matter who was in there when he walked in.

Reply

pedosmurf | 7

#4202739 - Friday 23 March 2012 1:44

Not if the guy was black

By xyadove | 8

#1890523 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:07

probably a dare

Reply

dickamaru | 0

#1892560 - Sunday 26 December 2011 9:52

nope it's the retardation of that kid

By cole86 | 0

#1890529 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:08

do him in the ass

Reply

xavier1623 | 4

#1890743 - Saturday 25 December 2010 18:17

And scream DOES IT FEEL SMALL NOW?!

Reply

charlesnk7 | 0

#1890846 - Saturday 25 December 2010 18:59

lmao thats funny

Reply

xbassplayax | 0

#1893067 - Sunday 26 December 2011 15:29

this comment makes it so much better

Reply

rickolette | 0

#1893334 - Sunday 26 December 2011 16:56

just imagine the kids gay and he screams, "OH YESSSSSSS!!!!"

Reply

xavier1623 | 4

#1896515 - Monday 27 December 2011 16:38

Mine? xD

Reply

xMegan96 | 0

#2334202 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 3:21

HAHAHA

Reply

HereToRuinFun | 16

#6609227 - Thursday 19 May 2016 1:06

That would be rape since it wouldn't be consensual. Wtf dude?

Reply

KebbyWebby | 9

#7776914 - Monday 4 March 2019 17:51

That’s some pedofile/rapist ass shit! You need your head checked out.

By DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#1890533 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:09

The kid's just self-conscious. He didn't have the balls to whip it out for a full size comparison. My Rule: If you're going to make fun of someone's size, you have to prove yours is bigger first.

Reply

Kua_Mei | 0

#1892509 - Sunday 26 December 2011 9:11

I didn't think the same applied to the prepubescent and early adolescent?

Reply

RKftw | 0

#1903421 - Wednesday 29 December 2011 12:30

it is a prank because most people can't stop peeing

By BonyorBobby | 4

#1890557 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:15

Why was he looking at your dick anyway?! Beware, he may have got your wife to leave you so he could have you...

By ckjacques53198 | 0

#1890575 - Saturday 25 December 2010 17:19

Getting crap from an emo teenager. He would have said that to anyone that was there. Kids need to fear a beat down.

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#1890793 - Saturday 25 December 2010 18:38

I must of missed the part where it says the kid is an emo.

Reply

hawty12345 | 0

#1891895 - Sunday 26 December 2011 3:21

wow..stop judging people like that. not every teenager is emo and you shouldnt just throw that out there...the FML never said the teenager was emo anyway.

Reply

bailey2 | 0

#1892563 - Sunday 26 December 2011 9:56

lol I took a pic of me in that same headband at rue21