Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in... - FML

By longest minute - 25/5/2016 11:28 - United States - Cypress

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

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Season finale

Ant life

Capitalism kills

By OzzyWannabee - 20/2/2015 08:12 - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML

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By benjo - 6/8/2013 18:07 - United States

Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2014 23:13 - United States

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 07:02 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

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By FishStampede - 16/5/2009 12:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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By vat - 25/2/2013 08:33 - Hong Kong

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could not stand the thought of being in a relationship with a man who wears orange. This is the first time I've worn an orange shirt in at least 6 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 19:12 - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

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By Time to study again - 8/11/2017 15:00

Today, I was taking the SAT and feeling really confident in my answers. When we were close to finishing, some idiot pulled the fire alarm. All of us have to retake it. FML

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By SeriouslyMakeItStop - 21/3/2014 11:09 - United States - Waco

Today, three days before I take my bar exam, the biggest exam of my life, I got my monthly. And I get to bring my belongings in a clear plastic bag so the world knows. FML

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By Meghan Elise - 2/3/2019 16:00

Today, I found that there were charges of almost 2,000 dollars on my bank account. Some asshole in Florida stole my money. I have bills and that was money I saved to buy myself a new car. FML

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By Michael - 5/6/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML

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By sdgsfvbkuhkj - 17/4/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work at my new job. They had a section in the parking lot for employees only, so I parked there. Apparently, my boss didn't recognize my car, and had it towed. FML

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By _guy_j - 6/9/2015 03:11 - United States - Glendora

Today, my brother got a job as an Uber driver. Now, whenever I need a ride from him, he insists I pay him money through the app. FML

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By Cob - 3/2/2009 13:03 - United States

Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML

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By nomorecleaning - 16/3/2013 12:17 - United States - Augusta

Today, I discovered that the reason my mom hasn't been noticing the extra cleaning I've done lately is because her boyfriend took credit when she asked about it; and was rewarded for it in bed. I helped him get with my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2014 07:25 - United States - Springfield

Today, I told my boyfriend that it's time for him to stop blaming others and own up to his mistakes. He retorted, "Don't blame me!" FML

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By BadFather - 21/11/2011 06:23 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'cutie' or 'beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML

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By CodyS - 3/9/2013 05:03 - United States - Rocky River

Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

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By ScreweD- - 16/11/2015 21:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a writing assignment back. After meeting with my professor specially after class and meticulously combing through every word of that paper, I got a low D. Turns out, he graded me down on every suggestion of his that I took. FML

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By Mug - 24/4/2012 20:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2018 18:30

Today, while trying to help my disabled uncle into his walker, his one testicle popped out of the leg of his short shorts. I asked him to adjust himself and had to hold on to his walker as he did it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 20:09 - United States

Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML

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By jacquelle - 25/2/2010 18:12 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had done the laundry. At first, I was very appreciative. However, I wasn't so thankful when I found out she brought home the wrong basket from the laundromat. FML

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By Steve - 30/9/2011 10:18 - New Zealand

Today, I had a car accident. In the same place, at the same time, and with the same friend in the passenger seat as last week. FML

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By Lisa - 18/7/2014 20:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me out on a date. He doesn't have a car, but he said he'd borrow transport from his neighbor. He showed up at my house on a ride-on lawn mower. FML

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By MoneyMike - 12/3/2009 00:30 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

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By sotired - 5/3/2013 19:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my neighbour's puppy has developed separation anxiety. Every time my neighbour leaves for work, the puppy constantly whines and barks until he gets home. He works night shifts. FML

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By life insurance for 1 - 30/5/2013 16:29 - United States - Encino

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

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By acme - 4/10/2012 06:20 - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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By rowanjusmc - 26/10/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

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By RIP_Nose - 3/4/2014 21:48 - Germany - Aidenbach

Today, I was supervising a written exam, which took place in a really warm room. Half of the two hundred participants has probably never heard of deodorants. The other half used probably the whole can this morning. I had to stay in this inferno of stench for five hours. FML

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By anidiotskeeper - 12/7/2012 06:03 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house and caught her digging for gold. She wasn't picking her nose - she was literally trying to dig for gold in her backyard. FML

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By Poorfish - 17/3/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2019 04:00

Today, my drunk neighbor informed me that if I don't keep my skunk out of his yard, he's going to call the cops. I live in town, and it's a wild skunk. FML

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By Mad Munki - 7/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

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By offbeans - 17/2/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

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By mummer11 - 15/11/2013 17:49 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

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By Loud - 8/9/2016 06:07 - Australia

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

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Top comments

By bad_boyfriend | 10

#6614680 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:23

Yeah I would have just held eye contact and slowly turned until I was peeing on his leg.

By whysobeachy | 37

#6614683 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:26

Being a woman has its benefits. I've never had to stare into a stranger's eyes while peeing....yet.

COMMENTS

By dca101 | 23

#6614671 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:16

uhh... that must've made for one hell of an awkward moment...

By thatnucca | 36

#6614672 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:16

Intense contest... Who won?

Reply

SmittyJA24 | 26

#6614823 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 22:49

I'll bet the other guy came first.

By JerryClark | 17

#6614673 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:16

Omg this made my
Day ?

Reply

trucker2 | 33

#6614695 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:34

Till he piss's on your leg.. :D

By bad_boyfriend | 10

#6614680 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:23

Yeah I would have just held eye contact and slowly turned until I was peeing on his leg.

By 399 | 41

#6614682 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:25

That's what you get for dicking around :þ

Reply

whysobeachy | 37

#6614687 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:28

How was OP dicking around?

I get that you said it for the pun. I just don't think it was a very good pun.

By whysobeachy | 37

#6614683 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:26

Being a woman has its benefits. I've never had to stare into a stranger's eyes while peeing....yet.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6614697 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:35

Then you haven't really /lived/. The rush can last for days.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#6614708 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:47

Beachy, you've never peered through the three inch stall door gaps? It's my favorite pastime when I go into the ladies' restroom.

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6614711 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:47

Yeah, but the rash lasts for months.

Reply

whysobeachy | 37

#6614744 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 20:48

Oh, man. I'm about to go to a mall this weekend. I know what I must do.

Reply

katachristic | 19

#6614783 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:42

That cheek-to-cheek peek.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6614835 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 23:05

Be sure to start yourself off with limited exposure or wear contacts/glasses. As wonderful as it is, it can be like staring into the sun.

Reply

cliffsally | 2

#6614909 - Thursday 26 May 2016 1:23

Don't knock it till you've tried it lol

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6614939 - Thursday 26 May 2016 1:55

Three inch gaps in the stall? Is that normal? I've never seen a gap any bigger than half an inch. To add to this - I've stared my cat down whilst on the toilet, mainly because when he was a kitten he'd jump on my lap and claw me up.

Reply

PhoebeBuffett | 13

#6615186 - Thursday 26 May 2016 9:33

I was in a bathroom tonight that was single person and had the toilet in front of a mirror, so I had to make eye contact with myself while I peed, if that counts

Reply

vOIDmASS | 13

#6615330 - Thursday 26 May 2016 14:44

eh. Meh. I'll take it.

By dannidoll93 | 24

#6614685 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:27

There's gotta be a porn that starts like this.

Reply

amsterdamgirl | 20

#6614710 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:47

with a george michael soundtrack

Reply

M3DO | 24

#6614731 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 20:13

Rule 34

By angryo5trich | 13

#6614691 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:30

I would broke my stream backed up and walked to a different urinal

By Tripartita | 44

#6614699 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:37

This FML really needs a follow up. Who broke eye contact first? How awkward was it after?

Or are you two still there, locked in perpetual stare after you submitted this FML using your phone and muscle memory?

By maharb01 | 17

#6614704 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:45

"I knew what he was thinking. . .That's a nice looking dick"
~Waiting