Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML
Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML
Today, my mom announced my pregnancy to the entire family via Facebook with the post, "Just went from a MILF to a GILF in one moment of unprotected sex." FML
Ixlovexwaffles tells us more.
I would have laughed it off had she made the post a week later, it's the fact that I told her specifically not to post anything or talk to anyone about it for at least a few days so I could announce it to everyone else. She knew I told her first. It's the fact that that is how it was announced.
Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML
Today, my fiancé called me 'thick' for not realising he'd been sleeping with his ex earlier. FML
Jennandco tells us more.
Jennandco 25
Hey guys, OP here! Yeah hahah, it was just funny because literally 5 minutes before hand, I questioned whether he had, because I had my suspicions and he had a huge go at me for even suggesting it. I'm basically 'thick' because I didn't figure that when we were arguing about his number of jobs, he said 'at least I'm not an unemployed prick' he was talking about his actual genitalia, rather than just his employment (we weren't having sex because I was still recovering from an operation because I had been really ill) I didn't want to believe it because we had been on/off for 6 years and he really meant a lot, but then he showed me their messages discussing their sex just to hurt me further, but then expected me to get over it. So I guess then I kind of had to, huh? But it wasn't the first time he had done that, first time I tried to get over it. Not this time.
Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML
Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML
Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML
Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML
Today, I found out that, given the correct velocity, a used condom can actually fly through a tiny window and slap you on the leg. I also found out that when you go to the window to yell at the perpetrator, they might have more ammunition. FML
Attacksloth tells us more.
OP here. I was at a university, so like all schools, sex is fairly common here. I actually don't know if the contents were... legit sperm, but it seemed like they had the correct colour and, regrettably, consistency, judging by the shit left on my leg. It didn't look like pudding or mayonnaise or anything edible. Right now I'm just talking myself into a sense of security by telling myself that nobody in their right mind would actually be that disgusting. The second one missed me, because I saw them chucking it, so I ducked out of the way. Luckily I had extra pants from the gym so I just changed into those, and I refused to touch the condoms until a janitor came in with some heavy duty gloves. I don't think it was an act of revenge, because I haven't really talked to people much this year - I'm either with my wife, exercising alone, or researching alone. The boy who threw them was with a girl and they were both laughing. I memorized their faces, so if I see them on campus, they can receive some "polite Canadian justice".
Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML
Today, while going down on my boyfriend, I must have gotten a little too enthusiastic because I ripped my tongue's frenulum. We then awkwardly went into the bathroom. While he was washing the blood off his penis, I was hung over the toilet bowl puking because blood makes me woozy. FML
cookies1616 tells us more.
(Heyyy, girl who made the post here! Had to make an account to reply). No, neither of us have piercings and neither of us know why it happened. While my boyfriend was searching on the internet for what exactly we should do, he found some guy who said he ripped his while eating a pear. I'd like to think I'm less of an idiot than that guy.
Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML
Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML
Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML
Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML
Today, I was cuddling in bed with my boyfriend when he started squeezing me as if I were a ketchup bottle. He said he wanted my period to end quicker, and he honestly thought that would work. FML
Keladrylady tells us more.
Keladrylady 24
OP here, My bf happened to be half asleep and as such is rather blond when so. (So no, he doesn't need sex ed as it has little to do with this topic per say). Him squeezing me whilst on my period has been a discussion point over the 6yrs we've been together, as yes, if done right, literally (TMI) squeezes out (insert words) and I really hate it, (guys, think of it as similar feeling to wetting yourself accidentally, it's a really yuck feeling). Thanks though for your comments and FYL's. :3 you've made us both laugh til our cheeks were sore. So again Thanks.
Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML
Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML
Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
Today, my husband and I caught our 12-year-old son "experimenting" with a 5-foot tall stuffed Mickey Mouse. He even made sure to rip Mickey's pants off. FML
Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML
Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML
Today, while walking down the street, a cute guy approached me. We ended up having some drinks then heading back to his place and hooked up. Afterwards, I used the bathroom, and when I came out, he was going through his wallet and asked me how much he owed me. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML
Today, I walked in on my 17-year-old brother jerking it to a scene from the movie Frozen. Brain bleach, please. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML
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