Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me...

By Wrabel - 8/6/2015 16:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Great speech, thanks!

Billy no-mates

By BigBadTron - 15/5/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

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By smellslikeroses - 30/12/2020 05:00 - United States - Oxnard

Good smell

Today, while going to the bathroom, I noticed a smell lingering. It smelled good so I kept sniffing the air. And then it hit me. My poop! My poop smelled good and I'd been sniffing and enjoying it. FML

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By f_n_fail - 6/12/2016 21:31 - United States

Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML

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9082

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By Madi Jenna - 4/5/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

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By Whoisshe - 17/1/2020 01:00

Unknown number

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 08:01

Missed opportunities

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

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By Muscle - 6/3/2009 21:07 - Canada

Today, I flew home early from a two month trip to Europe to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. When I got to his house with a home baked cake from scratch and a quilt with slik-screened pictures from my trip, his roommate answered the door and said "Oh sorry, he's out with his girlfriend." FML

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By useyourownbed - 18/9/2012 20:06 - United States - Byron

Today, my sister walked into my room, saying her boyfriend "forgot something." She then reached under my bed and pulled out a pair of boxers and a condom wrapper. Her response to my disgust was, "My bed was dirty." FML

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By sad as shit - 1/1/2016 00:41 - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

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By saywhat - 26/1/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2013 04:47 - United States - North Port

Today, I was at a Christmas party when I noticed someone had taken all of the cash I had from out of my wallet. It was a family gathering. I'm related to the culprit but have no idea who it is. FML

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By BigDreamer - 9/2/2019 02:00

Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML

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By Lucy - 6/3/2010 22:44 - United States

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

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By clop clop clopping all the way - 20/6/2013 21:13 - United States

Today, a guy's car broke down in my street, so I helped him push it into my driveway, checked his car out, and gave it a jump start. He thanked me, then as he went to pull out, he instead smashed straight into my car. FML

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By foolmetwice - 16/5/2011 14:28

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

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By DiskJockey - 5/8/2009 01:37 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson, never leave your "Let It Be" album, which you paid $489 for on Ebay out on your desk. My brother also learned something, old records make for very breakable, one use frisbees. FML

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By knockedup - 13/2/2011 10:00 - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

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By MyLegsHurt - 28/10/2015 22:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 04:44 - United States - Lewisville

Today, my boyfriend got pissed off and is now sulking, all because I didn't make a huge deal out of our 1-month "anniversary". FML

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By Christmas sucks - 24/12/2012 01:03 - United States - Boston

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 14:22 - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

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By rog3rli - 13/11/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

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By Backtoschool - 28/8/2018 15:00

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

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By SinkyBalls - 30/8/2011 03:56 - Canada

Today, I found out my roommate thinks the sink is an appropriate place to wash his junk. FML

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By I don't trust them. - 2/7/2017 18:00

Cats are Satan's Minions

Today, I learned that our cats love to knock over glasses and cups, particularly if they have liquid in them. The latest victim of their antics? My expensive computer keyboard. FML

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By cookie_lover_xx - 15/10/2015 06:24 - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

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24452

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2020

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2020 01:00

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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18795

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By A bit cowardly? - 19/5/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked his friend to propose to me for him, because he was too nervous to do it himself. FML

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1959

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 00:37 - United States - San Angelo

Today, after months of believing my house is haunted, and years of being scared of the dark, I finally had to admit to myself that the only way I can go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is if my cat follows me and sits outside the door. I'm 23. FML

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By meepdaleap - 16/5/2013 21:50 - United States - Newport News

Today, I stepped out of the kitchen to yell at my kids for running in the house. I had just mopped the floor, and did not want them to fall. I fell while yelling and twisted my ankle. At least they know it's dangerous now. FML

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By brokenkneechick - 7/2/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML

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43376

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By PeanutlyDisabled - 8/1/2010 07:23 - France

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

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39119

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By Bob H. - 26/10/2014 13:54 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML

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By notahero - 9/1/2015 04:40 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

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Top comments

By Llama_Man2000 | 26

#6314781 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:55

Don't invite her to make a speech at your wedding...

By nonsensical | 26

#6314784 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:57

That's when you do an Austin Powers and insist on the fact that it is not yours.

COMMENTS

By darkthunda1324 | 6

#6314772 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:54

LMFAO ?

By ichinikis | 16

#6314773 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#6314788 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:58

What an ignortant thing to say. I have sex and still live with my parents. And just because someone doesn't last long doesn't mean they're bad.

cheeeksss | 29

#6314791 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:59

2, you sound like you'd be a great therapist..

jake_braves | 25

#6314954 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 4:18

I'd be so pissed at my parents for opening my package. I'm only 20 almost 21 and they don't open packages with my name. Wow..ridiculous.

bellydancer82 | 15

#6314977 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 4:55

Who said his mom wasn't in HIS house visiting?

brezzyanna | 17

#6314996 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 5:22

I'm 16 and my parents don't open my stuff. Ever since I could open things myself they haven't! unless I've asked them too.

Norja | 33

#6315007 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 5:39

#2 Your comment was so stupid. If your name isn't on the package, you don't open it unless asked. It's called respecting privacy.

jayemerald17 | 25

#6315042 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 6:44

It's also illegal

By CyberHex | 7

#6314775 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Rinat_fml | 26

#6314886 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 1:44

Moms never forget anything.

jtthegr8 | 26

#6314888 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 1:54

She will make fun of him forever for it because that's what parents do. Embarrass their children.

CyberHex | 7

#6314927 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 3:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By El_Boxeador | 14

#6314776 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

WordBea | 23

#6314794 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 0:00

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

El_Boxeador | 14

#6314818 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 0:18

It's hard to admit, but you're right... It has been used for too long! I will use this opportunity to rise, learn and perform better next time!

MakeItStopWtf | 12

#6314856 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 0:52

Why did your second comment get thumbed down? That was a good one...

By BestOrginalName | 22

#6314777 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6314778 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:55

I can see why your mom was smiling the entire time. Would have been rather "hard" to keep a straight face.

By xdafuze | 12

#6314779 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:55

I hate when my parents open my mail

sweetbliss3 | 37

#6314933 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 3:31

I hate illegal things, as well. especially when it's something like that, which is no one else's business.

SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#6315027 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 6:15

I never get my mail. My dad tells me it's his house so it's his mail.

MandieL | 27

#6315231 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 12:21

Tell him that that won't hold up in court.

BradyPatatey | 8

#6315466 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 18:54

That sucks

By nonsensical | 26

#6314780 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:55

That's not awkward at all...

By Llama_Man2000 | 26

#6314781 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:55

Don't invite her to make a speech at your wedding...

By nonsensical | 26

#6314784 - Monday 8 June 2015 23:57

That's when you do an Austin Powers and insist on the fact that it is not yours.

russfml | 31

#6314952 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 4:05

That's when his mom would present the book written by him about his longer lasting penis pills lol