Intimacy: Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving...

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

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Intimacy

Mother of the year

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Unrequited

By Noname - United States

Today, all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was "Best positions for a small penis." FML

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By aubrey

Time to go topless I guess...

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

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By Watchtower? More like fortress. - Norway - Oslo

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

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By nyebust - United States

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

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By Penguinsuit

Today, I threw my clothes in the laundry and had only penguin pajamas to wear. My mother forgot to mention that she was expecting a handyman. Guess who got greeted by an adult woman in a penguin suit. FML

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By mirandatheunicorn

Today, I was having a beautiful lucid dream when a telemarketer called at 5AM, waking me up. I silenced my phone and went back to sleep, and was somehow able to resume my lucid dream. Then my phone vibrated me awake. It was the same telemarketer, this time calling at 7AM. FML

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By SamAaron502 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I woke up at 3a.m. to get ready for a "fun work retreat". After driving 2 hours to the site, I find that nobody is there. After about half an hour standing there freezing, I get an email from my boss, telling me that "It's canceled due to bad weather". FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking for some time. He shook his head no. He then continued with, "Your bed is a security system and as far as I can tell, you haven't gotten any in weeks". FML

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By Teamarie - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

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By Katelyn_Louise - 1/5/2021 10:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Possession

Today, someone left their drug bag on the table in the lounge at my place, probably a friend, and probably a mistake. The next minute the cops knock on the door and force their way in. Immediately the cop spots the drug bag and cuffs me. It wasn't even my bag. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

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By cincity

Today, my fiancé forgot his wallet. He realized this once we were 5 hours away from home, before checking into a hotel, that had reservations under his name. FML

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By ObviousBooty - United States - Kankakee

Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML

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By PangolinScholar - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found that I conduct so much static electricity that I'm periodically given a shock by my headphones as I walk with them on. 5ML

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36241

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By sly - France

Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year old son. He wriggled away and said: "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or find another Simon!" FML

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By Not Engaged - United Kingdom - Stourbridge

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

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By Chris21 - United Kingdom - Bolton

Fast Cars

Today, a drunk driver totalled my new Audi. Who was the drunk driver? My dad. FML

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By CorpseBride - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

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By mikey51 - Australia

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

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By blah. - Thailand

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from work with the window down. I felt what I thought was rain coming through the window, until I looked over and realized it was urine mist coming from the cattle truck next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Tilton

Love is a battlefield

Today, after I finally got up the courage to open myself up to someone new after going through a brutal divorce, it was going great until he went back to his ex. FML

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By whattalife - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

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By YuckyDuckyLucky - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

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By seththing

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML

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By ohmygosh - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 08:01 - Canada

Leave me alone

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

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By izzie - Canada

Bad sex

Today, I had sex for the first time in months. His apology took longer than the sex did. FML

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By ouchhhh

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. 5 seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

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By Sudoc

Working too hard!

Today, after spending 6 hours straight working on a project at school, I decided to call it a night. The instant I set foot out of the lab, the building started screaming. The maintenance guy had set the alarm without telling me. The police had to let me out. FML

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By Vomitron - 2/4/2021 00:30

Let it all out

Today, I spent an hour and twenty minutes throwing up at a toilet from a shopping mall because I ate rotten food without realizing it. At least during that time I made two new friends, a gay couple who were making out in the next toilet cubicle. FML

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By carriageway - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

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By EffinAhole - France

Today, to spice things up a bit my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By rog3rli - United States

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

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By a - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

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Top comments

By stieglar | 17

#6331727 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:50

Next time it happens push his head back down. Hard.

By A07 | 48

#6331720 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:43

I'm guessing he didn't really know he'd struck gold? Sorry OP

COMMENTS

By fpants2010 | 18

#6331708 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:38

That's a mood killer huh? Hope you were able to finish!!

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6332082 - Thursday 25 June 2015 19:36

maybe he thought he was hurting her.

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6332481 - Friday 26 June 2015 4:49

Finishing is the most important thing here

By pauliegon | 18

#6331709 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:38

Must've been his first time? LOL

By Cads1 | 24

#6331710 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:39

At least you yelled his name!

EarlFug | 19

#6332436 - Friday 26 June 2015 3:16

Agreed, at least your guy is food!

EarlFug | 19

#6333220 - Saturday 27 June 2015 3:39

Whoops. At least your guy is good. Not food.

By Fiorella1 | 19

#6331716 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:41

At least you didn't yell someone else's name.

AnirudhR | 16

#6332085 - Thursday 25 June 2015 19:40

I Wed thee Rachel

imhope | 23

#6357318 - Wednesday 22 July 2015 2:23

Aye haha love that show

By hoosiergirl94 | 31

#6331717 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:41

What an idiot

vampire623 | 6

#6332047 - Thursday 25 June 2015 19:16

what abitch ^

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6332484 - Friday 26 June 2015 4:50

I gasped at the perfection of this comment and reply

By AndyPurdy | 31

#6331718 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:42

Lol,stupid

By A07 | 48

#6331720 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:43

I'm guessing he didn't really know he'd struck gold? Sorry OP

By AndyPurdy | 31

#6331723 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:47

Im guessing this is his first time

Mauskau | 35

#6331922 - Thursday 25 June 2015 16:57

Judging by your two successive comments which have both failed badly, in guessing it's your first time here. Welcome to FML, I'll be your guide.

By Hauclir | 14

#6331724 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:48

You sure it was the right name?

carebear1228 | 20

#6331778 - Thursday 25 June 2015 13:56

"I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name..." I'm pretty sure it was his name.

By stieglar | 17

#6331727 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:50

Next time it happens push his head back down. Hard.

SubparAtBest | 23

#6331779 - Thursday 25 June 2015 13:58

Bruh this aint always good... especially when u cant breathe and shes pushing your head down. its the struggle.

WMidyette | 4

#6331818 - Thursday 25 June 2015 14:47

The struggle is real.

Malecent | 13

#6332096 - Thursday 25 June 2015 19:46

a girl did that to me when I didnt know what sex was. I could barely breathe :(

SubparAtBest | 23

#6332422 - Friday 26 June 2015 2:43

#59 it appears you still dont.

Amorettex | 19

#6332429 - Friday 26 June 2015 2:57

Love it lol!!

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6332488 - Friday 26 June 2015 4:54

Talk about literally drowning in the pussy