Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML
Today, I spent $70 on party supplies for my sister's bachelorette party, another hour decorating, three hours baking and designing a cake, before waiting five hours to hear that she and another bridesmaid had 'moved' the party elsewhere. Cake anyone? FML
Today, whilst vacuuming, I stupidly decided to vacuum the bathroom drain to see what would happen. Turns out it will cause stinking septic water to get sucked into the machine and spew all over the walls, ceiling and vanity. It also causes the vacuum cleaner to stop working. FML
Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML
Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML
Today, I attended a new class at college. It was a class to help people with Asperger's adjust to college, which my parents pushed me into taking. It was incredibly condescending and insulting, and it felt like a class for preschoolers. My parents won't let me drop the class. FML
AdamTB tells us more.
Huh, surprised this got published. Anyway, a lot of the comments are about me just taking control and dropping it and that’s probably not going to change, so I’ll just comment the reason why I haven’t now. Due to my Asperger’s, my parents feel like I am not self-sufficient and I cannot make my own decisions. Naturally, this is completely false. However, due to college being ungodly expensive, I’m living with them until I can become financially stable. Now then, onto the problem. Dropping the class is a great idea in theory, but that’s not going to happen in practice. Trust me, if I could then I would. If I drop the class, my parents will definitely know. They will then proceed to, for lack of a better phrase, bitch me out for dropping it without consulting them (which I have done, and they refused to let me drop it). They are not abusive, but can be relentless and admittedly scary at times. I’d rather take a demeaning class than have to deal with them. Does that sound like a childish reason? If it does, I don’t blame you. I’ve always been constantly told that I’m mentally and emotionally a few years behind normal people. Sometimes, I don’t know whether to believe it or not. Regardless, my best option is to just move forward with the class no matter what happens. Also, this is probably going to be brought up so I’ll just talk about it now: no, I cannot move out. They will not let me as they do not believe I could survive by myself yet. Even if I were to just run away and move out, I still don’t have the finances to buy a even an apartment room and continue with college.
Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML
Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML
Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML
Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML
Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML
Today, my boyfriend's idiotic friend shoved me into a stream so I could be "reunited" with my family, since my name is River. The first thing I saw as I climbed out, soaking wet, was my boyfriend high-fiving his friend. FML
Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML
Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML
Today, I came home after just 3 weeks of being away. It seems like my pool now has its own mini-ecosystem. FML
Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML
Today, I was standing on a step ladder to reach the batteries on top of my fridge so I could change the ones in my TV remote. My sister thought it would be funny to shake the ladder and see what would happen. I now have a broken leg and a TV remote with dead batteries in it. FML
Today, I witnessed the most awful park job ever. Without thinking, I found a piece of paper and wrote on the back, "Nice park, asshole". Turns out it was an old airline boarding pass, and my name, address and phone number were neatly displayed with the message. FML
Queensland tells us more.
Queensland 27
Hey guys OP here. No stabbings or death threats as of yet, but still keeping low for a few days. Additionally, I highly doubt that the vehicle owner would come to my house as this happened in Sydney and I live in Brisbane! When I get back home, however, I assume I'll have a letter or two... :) I'm not too worried though. The idiot is a Subaru driver, he'll probably pussy out. P.S. Up the maroons!!
Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML
Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML
Today, I got fired, apparently for being racist to black people. When I told my boyfriend, he couldn't stop laughing. He's black. FML
Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML
Today, after working a double shift, I got home to total pandemonium. My dogs had crapped all over the house, my kitchen was soaking wet, etc. My mother, who just moved in with me, was sitting on the couch, saying she had no idea what happened. FML
ArtemisRwill tells us more.
ArtemisRwill 22
Hey. First off, my mom moved in with me because she lost her job and couldn't afford her apartment anymore. I live in a 3 bedroom house, so I was being nice and let her move in. She has no ailments. Second, my dogs have a door that is open into a dog run. I can't do a dog door because I have a Great Dane and a Bully Pit. I live about 5 minutes from work. I go home at lunch everyday. I couldn't yesterday because I was covering for 2 sick coworkers. Third, my dogs crapped all over the house because SOMEONE shut their door. And my kitchen was speaking wet (with water) because SOMEONE burned their lunch and instead of using the fire extinguisher, that went outside and grabbed the garden hose. After I had to clean everything up, BY MY SELF, my mom finally fessed up. I'm trying to get my sister to take her so that I and my dogs can live in peace again.
Today, while walking alone through a sketchy neighbourhood after a party, I learned that I look too broke to even rob and "not worth the bother". Overhead from a guy waiting for me in a bush with a flashlight and his equally charming friend. FML
ramherr tells us more.
ramherr 11
Hi, OP here! I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised reading all these comments! A whole lot of you got humour too good to be true. Really brightens the day! Firstly no, I'm not complaining over not being mugged and that was not the intention of this FML, I simply think the fact that even muggers see someone as ''not worth the bother'' FML-worthy. But all and all I'd rather be seen as poor than stabbing material, all days of the week! To those of you wondering what I was wearing, it was a black tank top, jeans and a pair of shoes, nothing special.
Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML
Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML
Today, my grandpa accidentally posted a nude photo of himself on Facebook. I will never be able to unsee that. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend standing at the end of the bed staring at a large wet spot. Boy do I know how to pick 'em! FML
Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML
Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML
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