Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in...

By Anonymous - 22/7/2015 20:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML

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Miscellaneous

Property law

Toxic parents

Billy no-mates

By Motherly Love - 14/8/2011 10:34 - United States

Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML

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By misspriss - 17/2/2010 01:30 - United States

Today, I was in the theatre watching a movie. I leaned my head back to relax. Suddenly, I hear this sneeze behind me and then I feel "rain" pouring down on my face. FML

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By O_O - 12/7/2013 20:15 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By FML - 30/8/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I had to buy another pair of 'fat jeans', because my old 'fat jeans' became my new 'skinny jeans'. FML

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By nurse4life - 18/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Moultrie

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

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By harrypottermuch - 26/11/2009 11:50 - Canada

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

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By notafatlump - 2/2/2011 05:07

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

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By - 5/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 00:01

He's still got it

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By helpme - 3/5/2017 02:00

Today, my gay best friend slept over, as he has many times during the past three years of our friendship. This time, however, he confessed to me that he's only pretended to be gay to get closer to me because he's in love with me. I've allowed my stalker to sleep in my house and in my bed for three years. FML

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By laurenmichela - 12/10/2015 21:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I coughed so much I threw up, then whilst recovering from throwing up, a fly flew into my mouth and I ate it. I then promptly threw up again. FML

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By Rachael - 24/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I wondered why the cashiers at my local chip shop were being so unusually friendly and knocked money off my bill. Then when I got back to my boyfriend's house, I noticed my bright red bra shining through my black top like a light. I debuted my tits for some chips. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 20:30 - United States

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

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By DD - 8/2/2010 14:18 - France

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

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By lostintdot - 31/7/2014 11:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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By Arp - 4/2/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 22:33 - United States - Washington Crossing

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 11:55 - United States - Louisville

Today, I saw my dad pick his teeth with a toothpick from a new box. He ate the food he got out of his teeth and put the toothpick back. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 06:01 - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By bridget1989 - 11/3/2016 10:03 - United Kingdom - Swadlincote

Today, my boyfriend told me on the phone that he thought we were too poor for value-pack bacon. When I got home, I found he had gone to work leaving two lights and the TV on, and that the shower was running. He said, "Turning things on and off takes too much time! Who cares about money?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

New one

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

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By Laura_2118 - 12/12/2009 07:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me my first compliment in months. Apparently my body spray makes me smell like a stripper. He then asked me if he could "park the beef bus in tuna town". FML

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By grossfoot - 31/8/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

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By goldendarkness - 9/7/2016 01:34

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to stop by a drive-thru on the way to his place. I asked him to order a Coke for me, at which point he asked if I wanted to make it a Diet Coke. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 02:08 - United States

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

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By katiebabby - 17/6/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

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By TheKunitzShow14 - 10/8/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

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By canucks_chick - 23/10/2011 05:45 - Canada

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 04:57 - United States - Paducah

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

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By inthefamily - 23/10/2012 13:29 - United States - Washington

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:11 - Belgium

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2015 10:52 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got disappointed when I realized that I had to share a bed with my husband because we had company over. FML

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By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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By newdad - 6/9/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2014 23:32 - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she found some lesbian porn on my computer. Her reasoning? That I must secretly be gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 13:18 - United States - Allendale

Today, just so my family would think someone might actually be interested in me, I bought myself roses and attached a secret admirer card to them. My plan would have worked if I hadn't forgotten to take the receipt off the kitchen counter. FML

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By HairyLeggedItalian - 24/5/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 21:56 - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

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Top comments

By taterrtots | 25

#6358709 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:15

at least she didn't give you a hard time about it.

wink

By mattzawesome | 28

#6358705 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:14

I don't think I can even comprehend how embarrassing that would be! Hopefully she believes you...

COMMENTS

By mattzawesome | 28

#6358705 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:14

I don't think I can even comprehend how embarrassing that would be! Hopefully she believes you...

By 604 | 11

#6358706 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:14

Likely story...

onlychildFTW | 33

#6358767 - Thursday 23 July 2015 9:20

Oh I'm sure they were working out some equipment.

Likian5 | 26

#6358979 - Thursday 23 July 2015 16:52

Yes, because us guys ALWAYS talk about how hard we are while working out *wink*

rajput | 17

#6361446 - Sunday 26 July 2015 2:05

They were working out their wrists.

By olpally | 32

#6358707 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:14

Lol. Oh the rush to judgment is strong here. Just explain yourself and you'll be good.

semitoundboss | 4

#6358962 - Thursday 23 July 2015 16:13

Two people grunting in a bedroom? I think there is only one thing that can be assumed.

By Pstraka6 | 20

#6358708 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:15

All in all that situation is pretty funny, but go explain to her what you were actually doing so she knows. That's pretty awesome though your mom is that accepting! Think about that for a minute too

Isandri | 29

#6358740 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:37

Yeah, I am jealous for such parent. My mom only told me that she hopes, that my friend is only my friend idd, and nothing more. My girlfriend wasn't happy about it :(

xAmybbx | 22

#6359924 - Friday 24 July 2015 16:22

Agreed. #17 My mum still insists my boyfriend is only a 'friend', even in front of him. Well, just persevere :)

By taterrtots | 25

#6358709 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:15

at least she didn't give you a hard time about it.

wink

mattzawesome | 28

#6358712 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:16

Weakkk

By JohnnyKade | 25

#6358710 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:16

Guess you were in a tight spot.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6358711 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:16

That'll be a hard one to explain your way out of.
A way that your mum will believe anyhow...

razora | 4

#6359804 - Friday 24 July 2015 11:22

Just say I was watching porn that's easier to explain

pjsr | 32

#6360523 - Saturday 25 July 2015 6:53

WE were watching porn - probably doesn't do much to counter her thinking

By BlackPanther19 | 11

#6358713 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:18

well sex does burn calories

whysobeachy | 37

#6359122 - Thursday 23 July 2015 19:20

Exactly. OP never did mention what kind of "work out" it was.

StiffPvtParts | 43

#6360374 - Saturday 25 July 2015 3:26

I guess that might explain my extra weight ._.

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6358714 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:20

You call your's a fiend?

StraightUpBaller | 14

#6358777 - Thursday 23 July 2015 9:53

My best one, in fact.

markpatrick | 10

#6358792 - Thursday 23 July 2015 10:12

lol

By mustangbravo | 27

#6358716 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:21

I guess I can see her assumption. Your mom is pretty cool to say that. I agree with earlier posts. Just explain and all should be well. It will be a funny story for the future.