Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in...

By Anonymous - 22/7/2015 20:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27103

You deserved it

5700

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Great boyfriend

Yappy neighborhood

Assumptions

By Lady Douche of Asscrackington - 10/10/2013 20:00 - United States - Watertown

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43416

You deserved it

3538

Favorite

By nopethanks - 31/10/2014 12:05 - United States - Eden Prairie

Today, I woke up really early to get ready for an interview. I guess it was too early because my mom thought someone broke into our house and now I have two bruised ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32768

You deserved it

2720

Favorite

By StephiLynn - 9/5/2016 04:33 - United States - Hibbing

Today, my coworker told me when we got to work that she purposely left her phone at home. I then had to suffer 8 hours of listening to her constantly whine like a toddler about how much she missed her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13952

You deserved it

1164

Favorite

By aeterne - 8/4/2009 06:08 - United States

Today, my boss informed me that it is now my responsibility to wash the dishes, since my co-workers are consistently too lazy to clean up after themselves. I have a bachelor's degree. Which I earned at the same university I now work at. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54233

You deserved it

6035

Favorite

By onebadwave - 21/8/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a smart idea to walk out on the pier while the waves were 6 feet tall. I was having fun getting "splashed" by the waves crashing over until one wave knocked me over and dragged me 20 feet across the hard concrete pier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11583

You deserved it

46302

Favorite

By Username - 8/7/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31075

You deserved it

3592

Favorite

By Lauren - 8/9/2010 23:13 - Australia

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38501

You deserved it

8113

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 05:00

Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2817

You deserved it

182

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/9/2013 17:28 - United States - Dell Rapids

Today, my entire gym class had to run the 1600 with our coach calling out finishing times. My finishing time was reported as "3 days short of a year." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44028

You deserved it

7233

Favorite

By I need a new ballsack. - 16/9/2014 16:20 - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30258

You deserved it

4451

Favorite

By oops - 19/11/2014 17:03 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33986

You deserved it

8298

Favorite

By katwingz - 19/2/2013 22:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, after being together for only 2 weeks, my boyfriend got me a year's gym membership for my birthday in a card that said, "So u can b hott! Luv u!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

33483

You deserved it

6164

Favorite

By nikkrissa_04 - 7/8/2009 11:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58852

You deserved it

12069

Favorite

By thisguy - 8/10/2013 09:55 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59549

You deserved it

4714

Favorite

By DrunkGirl - 19/10/2009 15:42 - France

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9593

You deserved it

62200

Favorite

By anonymous - 22/8/2011 11:04 - Australia

Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25464

You deserved it

2370

Favorite

By Trama1201 - 4/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Boston

My short hair!

Today, I went to the library to bring back some books, I walked up to the counter and the librarian turned to me and said "What can I do for you young man?" I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1652

You deserved it

295

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31853

You deserved it

6332

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40674

You deserved it

7101

Favorite

By time to put you down, gran - 1/12/2012 22:53 - United States

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27735

You deserved it

4671

Favorite

By philderichmond - 14/6/2009 02:24 - United States

Today, I met a cute girl at a dance club. I entered her number in my phone just before she left the club. With a proud smile, I turned the screen towards my buddy, showing off my accomplishment. Attempting to give me a friendly pat he accidentally closed my phone. I hadn't saved the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42016

You deserved it

17482

Favorite

By FANZZY - 18/8/2014 16:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35151

You deserved it

16179

Favorite

By effinit - 30/10/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28973

You deserved it

6585

Favorite

By fuck - 14/8/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27735

You deserved it

15698

Favorite

By computerguy - 22/1/2011 01:15 - Canada

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33522

You deserved it

4197

Favorite

By Craig - 5/2/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29146

You deserved it

7949

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/12/2019 14:00

Just a question

Today while I was about to go into the shower, my mom walked in on me while I was naked. She looked down and asked me if I was cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1943

You deserved it

232

Favorite

By double trouble - 4/5/2015 04:04

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35721

You deserved it

2540

Favorite

By Kim422 - 28/6/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34852

You deserved it

4571

Favorite

By expassword - 17/12/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33980

You deserved it

3703

Favorite

By notonthepavement - 15/2/2016 11:04 - United States - Desoto

Today, as I went to kiss my date goodbye and drive home, he mistakenly rammed his thumb across my eye hard enough to push my contact back into my eye socket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22631

You deserved it

1642

Favorite

By Random dog owner - 28/1/2017 22:00

Today, I realized I've been hit in the balls more in the past two years than the rest of my life. Why? My dog is always happy to see me and his tail is just the right height. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6258

You deserved it

676

Favorite

By Ugh - 27/2/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39359

You deserved it

7708

Favorite

By BirthdayFail - 14/8/2012 07:57 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29322

You deserved it

1734

Favorite

By newsgirl - 16/7/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was interviewed by this TV crew who asked me what I thought of Rhode Island being voted for the second most neurotic state. I thought they said that Rhode Island was the second most erotic state. I commented. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41812

You deserved it

13028

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/10/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30253

You deserved it

5336

Favorite

By fired - 17/9/2013 04:36 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20051

You deserved it

98716

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, my grandfather kept on asking me questions about my girlfriend and was obviously proud of the things he remembered about her. The only thing he couldn't remember is that we broke up. I had to talk with him about our 'great relationship' for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45084

You deserved it

4005

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37810

You deserved it

2589

Favorite

By rewarded - 20/10/2010 14:33 - India

Today, for the second time in 5 months I was recognized for my hard work, sincerity and all the adjectives that they use to describe good employees. What was my reward? A piece of chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26411

You deserved it

4595

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By taterrtots | 25

#6358709 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:15

at least she didn't give you a hard time about it.

wink

By mattzawesome | 28

#6358705 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:14

I don't think I can even comprehend how embarrassing that would be! Hopefully she believes you...

Comments

By mattzawesome | 28

#6358705 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:14

I don't think I can even comprehend how embarrassing that would be! Hopefully she believes you...

By 604 | 11

#6358706 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:14

Likely story...

onlychildFTW | 33

#6358767 - Thursday 23 July 2015 9:20

Oh I'm sure they were working out some equipment.

Likian5 | 26

#6358979 - Thursday 23 July 2015 16:52

Yes, because us guys ALWAYS talk about how hard we are while working out *wink*

rajput | 17

#6361446 - Sunday 26 July 2015 2:05

They were working out their wrists.

By olpally | 32

#6358707 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:14

Lol. Oh the rush to judgment is strong here. Just explain yourself and you'll be good.

semitoundboss | 4

#6358962 - Thursday 23 July 2015 16:13

Two people grunting in a bedroom? I think there is only one thing that can be assumed.

By Pstraka6 | 20

#6358708 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:15

All in all that situation is pretty funny, but go explain to her what you were actually doing so she knows. That's pretty awesome though your mom is that accepting! Think about that for a minute too

Isandri | 29

#6358740 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:37

Yeah, I am jealous for such parent. My mom only told me that she hopes, that my friend is only my friend idd, and nothing more. My girlfriend wasn't happy about it :(

xAmybbx | 22

#6359924 - Friday 24 July 2015 16:22

Agreed. #17 My mum still insists my boyfriend is only a 'friend', even in front of him. Well, just persevere :)

By taterrtots | 25

#6358709 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:15

at least she didn't give you a hard time about it.

wink

mattzawesome | 28

#6358712 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:16

Weakkk

By JohnnyKade | 25

#6358710 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:16

Guess you were in a tight spot.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6358711 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:16

That'll be a hard one to explain your way out of.
A way that your mum will believe anyhow...

razora | 4

#6359804 - Friday 24 July 2015 11:22

Just say I was watching porn that's easier to explain

pjsr | 32

#6360523 - Saturday 25 July 2015 6:53

WE were watching porn - probably doesn't do much to counter her thinking

By BlackPanther19 | 11

#6358713 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:18

well sex does burn calories

whysobeachy | 37

#6359122 - Thursday 23 July 2015 19:20

Exactly. OP never did mention what kind of "work out" it was.

StiffPvtParts | 43

#6360374 - Saturday 25 July 2015 3:26

I guess that might explain my extra weight ._.

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6358714 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:20

You call your's a fiend?

StraightUpBaller | 14

#6358777 - Thursday 23 July 2015 9:53

My best one, in fact.

markpatrick | 10

#6358792 - Thursday 23 July 2015 10:12

lol

By mustangbravo | 27

#6358716 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:21

I guess I can see her assumption. Your mom is pretty cool to say that. I agree with earlier posts. Just explain and all should be well. It will be a funny story for the future.