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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, my mom and I were going to the store. I decided to stay in the car while she went in. In the car next to me, there was a dog in the driver's seat barking at me. Bored, I barked back at it until I realized there was someone in the passenger's seat watching me. FML

#6896062
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8593) - you deserved it (31748)

On 12/23/2009 at 1:17am - animals - by ApolloandDixie (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I was trying to read a book for school, but kept falling asleep. Following some advice from a friend I tried reading on the uncomfortable floor. Two hours later my dog woke me up by peeing on my face. FML

#6894688
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24495) - you deserved it (5287)

On 12/23/2009 at 12:05am - animals - by sleepy (man) - United States (California)

Today, I submitted my application to a restaurant as a server. The manager, who is more than 30 years older than me, said he'd be calling me. He later texted me asking for a date instead of giving me a job. FML

#6894646
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26837) - you deserved it (1987)

On 12/23/2009 at 12:03am - work - by Chris (man) - United States (California)

Today, while eating a sandwich, I saw a worm. Knowing that my friend always tries to scare me with fake worms and insects, I bit it to show her I knew it was fake. It was real. FML

#6893264
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9972) - you deserved it (30592)

On 12/22/2009 at 10:52pm - animals - by iHateWorms (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

#6892202
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37808) - you deserved it (2115)

On 12/22/2009 at 9:53pm - misc - by Brian (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

#6891757
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23666) - you deserved it (2535)

On 12/22/2009 at 9:34pm - intimacy - by omgboobs (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

#6890097
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18421) - you deserved it (4679)

On 12/22/2009 at 8:09pm - intimacy - by shallowvomit1013 (man) - United States (South Carolina)

Today, I started my job as a waiter. I was excited when my first customer paid for the bill. I go over to the table, half-expecting a tip. I got to the table and no money was on the table. On the bottom receipt was written: "Ever heard of deodorant?" Apparently I smell bad. Thanks for the tip. FML

#6888984
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10288) - you deserved it (25247)

On 12/22/2009 at 7:05pm - misc - by themonkeyman - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML

#6888473
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30104) - you deserved it (3935)

On 12/22/2009 at 6:32pm - misc - by everyonewasstaring (woman) - United Kingdom (Croydon)

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

#6887897
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23198) - you deserved it (3672)

On 12/22/2009 at 5:53pm - misc - by blumaster04 (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

#6887241
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25759) - you deserved it (8263)

On 12/22/2009 at 4:54pm - money - by DumbLackofLuck (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

#6884813
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8974) - you deserved it (44076)

On 12/22/2009 at 2:18pm - misc - by funyfunkid (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

#6883873
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30872) - you deserved it (11878)

On 12/22/2009 at 1:05pm - work - by ohshat (woman) - United States (Nebraska)



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