Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi,...

By sad sack. - 18/1/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

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Love

Fear factor

DINOSAURS!!

Social distancing gone wrong

By onebadwave - 21/8/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a smart idea to walk out on the pier while the waves were 6 feet tall. I was having fun getting "splashed" by the waves crashing over until one wave knocked me over and dragged me 20 feet across the hard concrete pier. FML

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By demk - 20/8/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

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By good mom - 5/11/2019 19:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Who is the worst?

Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

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By ohn0es - 23/1/2009 10:45 - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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By tgd4444 - 23/7/2011 10:29 - Malaysia

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 05:24 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had my driver's test in rural Maine. I hit a cow. FML

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By cmondude - 18/9/2018 15:30

Today, I was finally cast in my high school play. As Violet. The gum chewer who turns into a blueberry. Does my instructor not know I'm a guy? FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2013 07:02 - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

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By krh14 - 10/2/2015 12:59 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By zazzleface - 9/4/2012 12:23 - United States - Bergenfield

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

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By danam - 5/7/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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By BrokeAsFuck - 18/10/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

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By rollergirl13 - 11/1/2014 05:55 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

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By KrazyKill - 9/3/2012 19:04 - Canada

Today, I faked being sick so I could weasel out of a chemistry test at school. Happy that I pulled it off, I posted my accomplishment on Facebook. I forgot that I'm friends with my parents. FML

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By :) - 29/5/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgeways for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them, "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML

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By therosalina - 1/10/2018 10:30 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

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By Mike Polk - 3/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

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By Fish - 19/3/2009 15:47 - United Arab Emirates

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 04:56 - United States - Medina

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

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By GoldenSteve - 5/11/2015 15:31 - United States - Humble

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

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By outofluckatcollege - 27/8/2016 07:33 - United States - Lewisville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

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By Jordid - 19/8/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 19:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By engaged - 29/3/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said "yes", the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were escorted out of the mall for "starting a riot". I never knew clapping was a crime. FML

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By xMiSS_CuTiEx - 27/12/2010 22:25 - United States

Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

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By saywhat - 26/1/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

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By clingmaster - 9/9/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago she complained that I didn't act like I really loved her. I then became more involved and caring just for her to show my love. The reason she broke up with me? Because I was "suffocating her with clinginess." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2019 02:00

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

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By mylifesucks - 2/12/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn't for this year, but 2010. I spent the day with my husband cancelling flights to Florida, and explaning to my 8 year old why we were not going to Disney World. FML

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By MySummerinEurope - 25/5/2012 22:59 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I started my third day of a student exchange program in Belgium. My room-mate is a guy, our beds are in the same room, and he's always in and out of the bathroom. Consequently, I don't have nearly enough privacy to choke the cock, if you know what I mean. FML

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By Animal - 24/2/2011 19:14 - Canada

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

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By Sarahfizzeller - 26/5/2010 20:13 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is moving out to California to be with a girl he met while on Chatroulette. We broke up because he thought we were moving too fast. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2018 13:30

Today, my AC stopped working. It's currently 3:08AM and I have 2 fans running, a cold washcloth on my neck, and a window open. It's still hot as hell. Thanks, Florida. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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By Phoenix2115 - 26/2/2018 17:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after ordering a custom $200 Valentine's Day gift box for my husband, he gave it away to a female coworker upon delivery because Valentine's Day isn't for guys. I hope she like the new Xbox one controller and all the gift cards as well. FML

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By .......... - 7/6/2015 09:46 - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I found my boyfriend and his friends laughing hysterically and practically choking on popcorn. They were watching a video of me in a school play, trying to sing while sobbing because I'd just pissed my pants in front of 200 people. Thanks for giving him the video, mom. FML

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By cortanaisahobot - 19/7/2012 20:29 - Canada - Toronto

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

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Top comments

By FunWriter20 | 0

#1404 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 23:37

Bummer. Facebook has a similar application, except it says "24 people looked at your profile this week. 0 expressed interest." Ouch.

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#190 - Thursday 5 February 2009 1:11

Gutted, nuff said

Comments

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#190 - Thursday 5 February 2009 1:11

Gutted, nuff said

tpm45 | 25

#5745828 - Thursday 7 November 2013 18:49

Story of my life.......

By FunWriter20 | 0

#1404 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 23:37

Bummer. Facebook has a similar application, except it says "24 people looked at your profile this week. 0 expressed interest." Ouch.

By Fenzie | 0

#7455 - Thursday 26 February 2009 2:46

I've been getting emails from Yahoo! Personals for a few months and every time it says 0new matches.

By mellowyellowww | 0

#65269 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:20

haaaaaave you thought about meeting people in real life?
much better idea than using the internet.
totally.

By 24788 | 6

#159272 - Friday 1 May 2009 8:12

Online dating sucks.

By rachelbrianna25 | 0

#161764 - Saturday 2 May 2009 9:32

go 2 a bar with your friends. maybe u can find a drunk at least for the night. lol. just playing. i would try going to clubs though.

By Dooms_day | 5

#234717 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 2:26

lol to ^above^

By savetherainfores_fml | 0

#256628 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:16

Haha that's funny but sucks

Save the Rainforest or everyone dies

gman90210 | 18

#3965838 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:01

Talk about out of context

By 19lollipop96 | 0

#384877 - Friday 10 July 2009 18:38

Lmao
Maybe just maybe ur supposed to be alone or Internet dating is just not u

By cupcake330 | 16

#612988 - Saturday 10 October 2009 5:06

haha! how bout you go out