Love: Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi,...

By sad sack. - 18/01/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 942

You deserved it 2 850

Love

You tried

Plumbed out

Clean up in aisle 3 please

By Anonymous - 01/01/2012 18:09 - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 849

You deserved it 10 836

By Stumanji - 29/12/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 024

You deserved it 2 184

Geometry

By sickpuppy - 08/09/2019 12:00

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 355

You deserved it 150

By Anonymous - 05/05/2009 21:42 - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 738

You deserved it 32 883

By gothchick201013 - 09/09/2016 18:43 - United States - Dayton

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 004

You deserved it 1 104

By jobless - 16/05/2012 07:36 - United States - Groton

Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 989

You deserved it 2 388

By infrontofninepeople - 30/06/2015 20:31 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 358

You deserved it 4 673

By penny-dropping - 16/04/2012 04:24 - United States

Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn't find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 343

You deserved it 3 111

By Anonymous - 15/09/2013 21:16 - United States - Dover

Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 150

You deserved it 44 087

By Xia - 18/10/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 725

You deserved it 16 108

By ohgodwhy - 10/02/2012 09:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to cheer me up after I'd had a sleepless night. He thought it would be a good time to propose. Unfortunately, it coincided with me yawning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 955

You deserved it 5 110

By pinchy - 07/03/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 894

You deserved it 4 622

By again? - 15/03/2016 10:03 - United States - Olympia

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, I noticed that instead of looking at me, he was admiring himself in the mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 305

You deserved it 2 476

By Etrius - 17/08/2014 15:19 - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 260

You deserved it 7 149

By EastOneTen - 06/10/2012 07:28 - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 247

You deserved it 3 500

By sore - 21/10/2009 08:27 - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 175

You deserved it 6 657

By G-6 - 07/01/2011 11:24

Today, I was on the plane asleep. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone on the plane laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 050

You deserved it 30 456

Covid depression

By Bhrugu - 03/05/2021 11:32 - India - Hyderabad

Today, after a month of online school due to the second wave of Covid in India, I discovered that I have lost the ability to enjoy most of everything I used to. I can't enjoy reading, eating, music, or everything else. The doctor says it's anhedonia. I'm not depressed, or at least that's I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 98

By Anonymous - 14/08/2013 04:26 - United States - Austin

Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 805

You deserved it 6 720

By Cameraman - 01/06/2017 01:00 - Israel

Today, I got a reply from a women who's SD card I found 2 months ago and tried to give back. Yesterday I formatted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 306

You deserved it 723

She's right, you know

By Anonymous - 27/07/2009 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting some kids and helping them make a poster about insects. They couldn't think of any more insects to add so I suggested a spider, and got told to "not be a dumbass, spiders aren't insects they're arachnids." The girl is six. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 904

You deserved it 55 889

By impure - 29/09/2014 16:48 - United States

Today, I found out I have an STD, courtesy of my girlfriend. Funnily enough, she was clean when we first started dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 068

You deserved it 4 504

By Anonymous - 26/07/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 768

You deserved it 251

Bat out of Hell

By ToxynneFlute - 05/09/2021 16:01 - United States - Battle Creek

Today, my kid threw a fit on our way home, wanting me to stop and call grandma. Why? Because she was convinced I was going to wreck the car, and grandma is a good driver who won't crash. When we got home, she stopped fussing, said, "Thank god, we're home," ran up to grandpa and said, "Mom's a scary driver." She's 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 308

By Idiot - 22/08/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 788

You deserved it 38 698

By Snow - 26/12/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 264

You deserved it 2 940

By Anonymous - 03/05/2015 05:58 - Finland

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 380

You deserved it 5 031

By Mexican - 19/06/2016 03:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 371

You deserved it 1 477

By trice - 08/05/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 291

You deserved it 4 291

By Achoo - 15/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 830

You deserved it 5 106

By çapousse2904 - 12/09/2014 05:45 - France - Le Pr?-saint-gervais

Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that she was glad I'd secretly started working out. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been constipated for three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 081

You deserved it 4 030

By lpspann87 - 24/09/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 027

You deserved it 2 564

By Anonymous - 16/07/2013 00:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 727

You deserved it 4 865

By Wannabees - 03/04/2012 05:13 - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 407

You deserved it 37 662

By badjob - 12/09/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I called the company with whom I had a job interview last week, which I thought went great, but hadn't heard back from. One of the interviewers claimed that I tried to grope her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 186

You deserved it 3 065

By Anonymous - 24/03/2014 20:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 497

You deserved it 8 931

By sad trick Or treat - 01/11/2016 21:25 - Denmark

Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 030

You deserved it 831

By notenoughunderwearintheworld - 21/07/2013 20:54 - South Africa - Durban

Today, the great deal on my new apartment has turned into a nightmare. I keep hearing extremely weird sounds almost every night, and when I tried taking pics of the place today, my camera's face recognition feature kept activating, but only in my bedroom. I'm scared shitless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 544

You deserved it 4 901

Am I even here?

By Anonymous - 29/03/2020 05:00

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 952

You deserved it 120

Not fair!

By icy - 06/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Prairieville

Today, I finally got a cable box for my TV. When I was connecting the cable, my tv fell and shattered the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 350

You deserved it 313

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FunWriter20 0

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 23:37

Bummer. Facebook has a similar application, except it says "24 people looked at your profile this week. 0 expressed interest." Ouch.

Timmytwofinger 0

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Thursday 5 February 2009 1:11

Gutted, nuff said

Timmytwofinger 0

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Thursday 5 February 2009 1:11

Gutted, nuff said

tpm45 25

Send a private message

Thursday 7 November 2013 18:49

Story of my life.......

FunWriter20 0

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 23:37

Bummer. Facebook has a similar application, except it says "24 people looked at your profile this week. 0 expressed interest." Ouch.

Fenzie 0

Send a private message

Thursday 26 February 2009 2:46

I've been getting emails from Yahoo! Personals for a few months and every time it says 0new matches.

mellowyellowww 0

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Saturday 28 March 2009 20:20

haaaaaave you thought about meeting people in real life? much better idea than using the internet. totally.

24788 6

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Friday 1 May 2009 8:12

Online dating sucks.

rachelbrianna25 0

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Saturday 2 May 2009 9:32

go 2 a bar with your friends. maybe u can find a drunk at least for the night. lol. just playing. i would try going to clubs though.

Dooms_day 5

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 2:26

lol to ^above^

savetherainfores_fml 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:16

Haha that's funny but sucks Save the Rainforest or everyone dies

gman90210 18

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Monday 30 January 2012 10:01

Talk about out of context

19lollipop96 0

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Friday 10 July 2009 18:38

Lmao Maybe just maybe ur supposed to be alone or Internet dating is just not u

cupcake330 16

Send a private message

Saturday 10 October 2009 5:06

haha! how bout you go out

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 50

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 3

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 246

You deserved it 54

Geometry

Covid depression

She's right, you know

Bat out of Hell

Am I even here?

Not fair!

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