Health: Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch....

By zaneey - Australia

Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning. FML

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Health

Messed up

Cake is everything

I CAN HEAR YOU

By brittgreen - United States

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

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By collegegrad - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I read an article about the top 10 worst jobs this year. This list includes my degree and three of my main skills and interests. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 17:03

This charming man

Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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By ItchItchBaby

Today, 2 hours before a 13-hour flight, I found out I had head lice. I'm a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By welly223 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

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By Kahlilah Kilgore

Touching story

Today, I was half asleep when my cat came over to cuddle. I was petting her in the dark when I felt what I thought was a patch of matted fur under her neck, as if she had been injured and bleeding. Alarmed, I felt for that spot again and found myself holding her tail. What I'd felt was in fact my cat's anus. FML

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By MissTrix - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

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31840

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By =( - Australia

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

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By DBZ - United States

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

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25603

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By Anonymous - United States - Clarksburg

Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML

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25648

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By Username - United States

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

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35371

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By Noname - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

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30858

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By cookyourowndamndinner - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML

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5942

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Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

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7078

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By shescomfortablynumb - United States

Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML

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65484

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By Anonymous

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

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3260

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By cheerbabeXoXo - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

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45509

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By Sarge9774

Today, I found out that my uncle does not like my step daughter because she likes Star Wars. He stated that Star Trek was better and went on to verbally attack a 6-year-old. FML

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11206

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By lil_munchkinjen - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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34364

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By danielle887 - United States

Today, I decided to pay a surprise visit to my family after I got some work leave. I drove over and knocked on the door, and a young couple answered. Apparently, my entire family decided to move to Texas, and didn't bother to tell me. FML

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43853

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By Blue_belle

Observational Comedy 101

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

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1279

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By wolfpacking - France

Today, I was in the car with my friends. A techno song came on and we started fist pumping. We hit a bump, I fist pumped myself in the face, and crashed into a stop sign. FML

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13107

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By daddysboy123 - United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

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By Harry Dare - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

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By steve-o - United States

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

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35779

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By thats_not_good - United States

Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML

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37281

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By Jessie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

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47493

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

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By Geoff - 21/12/2020 07:58 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Three's company

Today I've finally found love and contentment in my wonderful relationships with my girlfriend and boyfriend. We are the perfect thruple and very happy together. My mom has just disowned me because of it. FML

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822

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said that we can "maybe have sleepovers" at his house when he FINALLY moves out. He's 24, and we've been dating for 6 years. FML

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28359

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By Anonymous - United States - Montgomery Village

Today, my sister was crying to me about how her boyfriend never showed up for their date. He's done this many times before, so I suggested the fact that maybe he'd just ditched her. She said that was ridiculous, because "he's Canadian" and according to her, "they don't lie." FML

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By Crabcake - United States - Brooklyn

Fancy a snatch? A *snack, sorry.

Today, my husband bought a luxury soap that smells like lemons. Now, every time I wash my private parts in the shower, it smells like a special at Red Lobster. FML

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3079

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to shave my legs completely to be more confident in my dress. I spent over an hour making sure my legs were perfectly shaved. It wasn't until I had been out awhile that I realized I forgot to shave my armpits. FML

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23810

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By mudafkrmas - Canada

Today, I was trying to look cute in front of this really nice guy. I sure hope he thinks smacking into a pole, rebounding backwards and knocking over an old man is cute. FML

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15573

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By FlyingPain - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I need to get a root canal, the only day I can get an appointment is on the same day I'm flying out for training for my new job. I can't get out of either, so now need to face my fear of flying and fear of dentists the same day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14736

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By Sickofbeingsick - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

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32759

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

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5233

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By monkeycannon7 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML

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By whoopsiedoodle - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

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Top comments

By Applesause1223 | 0

#260870 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 17:27

That's why you shouldent smoke.

YDI

By Jari | 0

#430566 - Sunday 26 July 2009 17:00

What have we learned?

COMMENTS

By badbooze | 0

#9963 - Sunday 1 March 2009 7:52

This is why I'm gay.

walshboy | 0

#4754395 - Tuesday 31 July 2012 8:53

what???

T9FTW | 20

#5103189 - Thursday 1 November 2012 3:21

He puts a [beep!] in his mouth in place of smokes.

By iloveyoulosers | 0

#42195 - Thursday 19 March 2009 5:57

Simply put: duh.

By LiveLoveLife_fml | 0

#181081 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:50

Ok dude,

Gotta give ya this one...

You Deserved It...seriously?!

I'm sorry but that was kinda stupid...

badluckalex | 23

#6075478 - Saturday 27 September 2014 19:45

why

do

you

type

like

this

what

the

fuck

my

brain

hurts

By Applesause1223 | 0

#260870 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 17:27

That's why you shouldent smoke.

YDI

awaywiththefairi_fml_fml | 8

#2759865 - Sunday 26 June 2011 1:56

that's why you should go back to school.
even your name is spelt arseways.

YoYoYo20_21_22 | 2

#3650046 - Sunday 27 November 2011 23:56

Says the person who spelled 'fairy' wrong.

ImTheAlpha | 30

#4261729 - Thursday 5 April 2012 7:31

30- (S)he might have been trying to spell "fairies" but it got cut off.

By atruprince17 | 0

#291830 - Thursday 11 June 2009 3:26

well that whats ur stupid ass for not having self control

By rokkdizzie | 0

#303425 - Sunday 14 June 2009 10:10

i smoked on the patch before and never got sick

By happygoluckyhh | 0

#337209 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 21:09

YDI for being a smoker. The nicotine must have gone to your head if you can't read the freakin box.

By Jari | 0

#430566 - Sunday 26 July 2009 17:00

What have we learned?

By redcherries90 | 0

#497855 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 2:52

ur a dumbass.

By NaziZombie | 0

#533031 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 2:07

Who smokes?!?!?