Health: Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch....

By zaneey - Australia

Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning. FML

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Health

Commando

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Uninvolved

By nickcedola40 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

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By mike4444 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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By Overworked - United States

Today, I realized how bad my insomnia had got when I tried answering my water bottle when my alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

What a question…

Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milton

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

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By datingamoron - United States

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost the remote control to my TV. I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. I've been watching this for an hour now. I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. FML

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By GrossedOut - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML

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By Betchsadface - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By stupiddrunk - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

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By Shone - Canada - Grand Forks

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

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By faye - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

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By veiny - United States - Kingsport

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

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31547

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By Shopgirl - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

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By Anon - Australia - Perth

Today, my girlfriend's dad pulled out the chocolate flavoured condom that went missing under the couch. FML

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By Mad - Australia

Today, after a weekend of helping my sister-in-law move out of our house, vacuuming and mopping her bedroom and bathroom for her, scrubbing her walls and cleaning her shower, transporting her furniture and getting her carpet professionally cleaned, to cover costs she offered me $14. FML

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By diskdude13 - United States

Today, I just let out all my feeling for a woman that I have loved for 22 years. When I finished she said "You're so funny" and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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By noname - France

Today, I wanted to join the bus drivers strike. I couldn't… the buses were on strike. FML

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By grannygirlfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Gratitude walks

Today, my sister slept with my boyfriend while I was at work providing for the both of them as well as our child. I let her move in after our mother kicked her out. FML

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By coughandcold - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

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By igiveup - Australia - Sydney

Today, it's my wedding anniversary; my husband forgot. My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses and said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate. My daughter is more romantic and thoughtful than my own husband. FML

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By boop snoop - United States

Today, the power at work was out. This would be fine, if they didn’t make me stay for another hour to wait for it to come back on in the Texas heat. FML

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By nabru

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML

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By NeoDepressed - Czech Republic

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Tgreject - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

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By wow babe - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

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By Cold&Soaked

Today, I set my alarm and got up early to view the Super Blue Blood Moon. I was all wrapped up in a blanket and had a perfect view from my backyard. It’s been a truly amazing experience, made even more exciting by the sprinklers turning on. FML

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By BrokeAF

Today, I had to empty out my coin jar to pay for gas. Trying to be considerate, I only brought quarters, but the cashier refused to take it because they didn't want to count out my $10. I don't know how I'll get to work today. FML

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By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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By wow - United States - Turlock

Today, my mom spelled my name with all lowercase letters. When I asked her why she wrote it like that, she got pissed and snapped back, "Capitals are for people who amount to something." FML

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By Triedtobecool - Canada

Smart move

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

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Top comments

By Applesause1223 | 0

#260870 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 17:27

That's why you shouldent smoke.

YDI

By Jari | 0

#430566 - Sunday 26 July 2009 17:00

What have we learned?

COMMENTS

By badbooze | 0

#9963 - Sunday 1 March 2009 7:52

This is why I'm gay.

walshboy | 0

#4754395 - Tuesday 31 July 2012 8:53

what???

T9FTW | 20

#5103189 - Thursday 1 November 2012 3:21

He puts a [beep!] in his mouth in place of smokes.

By iloveyoulosers | 0

#42195 - Thursday 19 March 2009 5:57

Simply put: duh.

By LiveLoveLife_fml | 0

#181081 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:50

Ok dude,

Gotta give ya this one...

You Deserved It...seriously?!

I'm sorry but that was kinda stupid...

badluckalex | 23

#6075478 - Saturday 27 September 2014 19:45

why

do

you

type

like

this

what

the

fuck

my

brain

hurts

By Applesause1223 | 0

#260870 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 17:27

That's why you shouldent smoke.

YDI

awaywiththefairi_fml_fml | 8

#2759865 - Sunday 26 June 2011 1:56

that's why you should go back to school.
even your name is spelt arseways.

YoYoYo20_21_22 | 2

#3650046 - Sunday 27 November 2011 23:56

Says the person who spelled 'fairy' wrong.

ImTheAlpha | 30

#4261729 - Thursday 5 April 2012 7:31

30- (S)he might have been trying to spell "fairies" but it got cut off.

By atruprince17 | 0

#291830 - Thursday 11 June 2009 3:26

well that whats ur stupid ass for not having self control

By rokkdizzie | 0

#303425 - Sunday 14 June 2009 10:10

i smoked on the patch before and never got sick

By happygoluckyhh | 0

#337209 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 21:09

YDI for being a smoker. The nicotine must have gone to your head if you can't read the freakin box.

By Jari | 0

#430566 - Sunday 26 July 2009 17:00

What have we learned?

By redcherries90 | 0

#497855 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 2:52

ur a dumbass.

By NaziZombie | 0

#533031 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 2:07

Who smokes?!?!?