Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought... - FML

By Noname - 27/2/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

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My body, my choice

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Blender time!

By Anonymous - 17/6/2012 08:50 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my boss gave me a new assignment at work: go online and look for my own replacement, then interview him. FML

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By shit... - 5/7/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

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By mikki bee - 30/12/2015 17:24 - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 03:47 - United States

Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML

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By catfriend - 6/5/2014 05:42 - United States - Salida

Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

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By Watchyourstep - 20/10/2009 17:11 - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By Momo8612 - 21/4/2017 12:00

Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML

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By sushichick - 15/4/2020 12:00 - United States - San Jose

Two-stroke

Today, my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook saying what a great girlfriend he had. Flattered, I commented on it, saying that I felt the same about him. Turns out he was talking about his other girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 17:35 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

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By Anonymous90 - 24/7/2010 23:59 - Canada

Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. FML

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By Ginny - 30/6/2009 09:23 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to start running to stay fit. Before I left, I put my cell phone in my sweat shirt pocket, and jumped vigorously up and down and ran around my apartment to make sure it wouldn't fall out. On a bridge, it slides out of my pocket and drops fifteen feet into the water below. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2011 12:53 - United States

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

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By stephiew - 14/7/2011 03:15 - United States

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2014 05:03 - United States

Today, I set up a small social gathering for a few friends. One of them didn't have a ride, so the others, who'd already shown up, went to go give him a ride. After no sign of them for a whole hour, I called to see what was wrong. They went out to eat and completely forgot about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML

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By anun - 14/1/2014 14:06 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

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By SeaBind - 16/11/2014 00:41 - United States - Saginaw

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2009 07:31 - United States

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

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By RoxMySox - 25/12/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. I got into it because I noticed a flashy new sign on the highway that read "Being an attentive driver prevents car crashes". Thanks for the notice. FML

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By corfan01 - 5/10/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

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By puggles - 3/1/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 07:26

Today, I volunteered to help out at an elementary school. I accidentally elbowed a little girl in the face while playing tag. And an hour later, a little boy flew out of his swing because I accidentally pushed him too hard. They're both siblings and are my child psychology instructor's kids. FML

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By captainlame - 21/3/2013 05:59 - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

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By KCHS - 11/12/2014 18:20 - United States

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

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By sagecamreyyy - 6/11/2018 15:30

Today, three days after my "friend" tried to cut all my hair off while I was asleep, she tried to poison me with a random chemical that was under my sink. She then told me she wanted me dead because I touched her senpai. Her senpai is my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2015 14:43 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I went indoor rock climbing. After finally making it to the top, my pants ripped on my last move. I wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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By lyssanthamum - 9/4/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, on the train, I got excited when I suddenly noticed I had a missed call and voicemail from a boy I liked. With a grin on my face, I told my friend. My dad overheard and said, "oh sweetie, he probably had the wrong number." The voicemail was blank. I texted him. The call was an accident. FML

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By How? - 29/9/2018 10:30 - United States - Glasford

Today, a bird crashed into my face. I didn't think that actually happened to people outside of cartoons. FML

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By debodave - 22/7/2009 20:06 - Germany

Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my PC. He said it would only take a few minutes; and would just fix it through a direct connection from his computer to mine. Hours later; I was feeling devilish, and quickly checked out an adult website. Mr IT Guy was still connected. FML

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By fabs1171 - 29/11/2012 05:40 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I caught the train into the city. Halfway there some kids hopped on smelling of marijuana and alcohol. Their topic of discussion? How much pubic hair they had. FML

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By daycare worker - 23/12/2016 18:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my 4-year-old daughter that when she grew up she could work at a daycare, like me, to help all of the little kids like her. She started crying because she thought it was a bad job to have. FML

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By Mith - 4/2/2009 10:56 - Poland

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

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By Nowajerk - 25/12/2011 01:15 - Australia

Today, I just finished nearly a year of muscle-building in order to impress my crush. Turns out she doesn't date fit guys, because "they're all jerks". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 05:00

Yeet it

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend is on the pill, and even though my girlfriend took emergency contraception, she became pregnant days after the first time we had sex without a condom. FML

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By crazy_mom - 1/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

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By fappy dog - 23/1/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

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By Hackmanjones - 13/6/2009 14:42 - Canada

Today, I was volunteering at a zoo event for special needs kids. My job was to dress up in a kangaroo costume and greet the kids. One kid came up and said "You're not real!" and kicked me in the nuts. FML

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Top comments

By Bibico_fml | 0

#9026 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:34

Obviously you got loose somehow, since you're posting this story. You should wait until your mother's asleep and then tie her up and take a video of her struggling and then say you're putting it on youtube. She sounds like she has a great sense of humor, so she'll probably play along. You'll be able to bond with her more easily. See? There's a bright spot you might have missed!

By redroses5 | 0

#8997 - Saturday 28 February 2009 1:44

haha your mom sucks.

COMMENTS

By Dr_Phil | 0

#8934 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:27

That game sounds gay.

Reply

lgeorge | 0

#2201897 - Saturday 19 March 2011 1:13

Last time I checked, gay wasn't a derogatory term.

Reply

Silenthunter | 0

#2613395 - Friday 3 June 2011 18:45

Last time I checked, gay meant happy

By Seegtease | 0

#8975 - Saturday 28 February 2009 1:11

The problem is? Seriously.

You were playing a game and you got duped by friends and your mom laughs? She's only human.

By redroses5 | 0

#8997 - Saturday 28 February 2009 1:44

haha your mom sucks.

By k649 | 0

#9023 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:29

Jumpropes are fairly easy to untie...

Reply

ekdfml | 20

#3782813 - Saturday 24 December 2011 21:04

No they aren't

By Bibico_fml | 0

#9026 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:34

Obviously you got loose somehow, since you're posting this story. You should wait until your mother's asleep and then tie her up and take a video of her struggling and then say you're putting it on youtube. She sounds like she has a great sense of humor, so she'll probably play along. You'll be able to bond with her more easily. See? There's a bright spot you might have missed!

By KatieWagnerFab | 0

#9056 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:29

The next time your mom has a flat, stop, look at her, laugh your ass off and keep going. Payback's a bitch

By JustAGirl_fml | 0

#9072 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:55

Your mom is hilarious, I would have done the same thing!

By King_of_Kings | 3

#9191 - Saturday 28 February 2009 10:31

i totally agree with #14

By littlepirate_fml | 0

#9302 - Saturday 28 February 2009 17:05

Wow, your mom is a hero :'D.

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#9924 - Sunday 1 March 2009 6:45

first off your mom is great. but why did you agree to be tied to a telephone pole?