Miscellaneous: Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought... - FML

By Noname - United States

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

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BO Central

Jealousy

Craft beer bores

By dontpanic - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML

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By xXxJoe16xXx - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

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By proud parent - United States - San Antonio

Today, my two year old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

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By fmylifebad - United States

Today, I was on the subway and saw this cute guy eyeing me. I crossed my legs, tossed back my hair, and raised my eyebrows slightly. As he came up to me, my heart started racing until he finally started flirting... with the girl next to me. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

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By Anonymous

Noise annoys

Today, my little brother got a violin. FML

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By Otherguy - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

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By unsatisfied - France

Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

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By pantsareathing - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

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By B-Rad - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58

Sounds like a catch

Today, the momma's boy I was getting to know cried when I said we should just be friends. He said I was being added to the list of people who treat him like shit and verbally abuse him. He has bad hygiene, musty, wears dirty clothes and I taught him how to properly clean a toilet. But I’m the bitch. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I felt so lonely that when I was watching a ghost show, I wished my house was haunted so at least some sort of presence was with me, even if it was in another dimension. FML

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By NoMeatFail - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

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By DisturbedMan - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

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By lovekills99 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she had fantasies about throwing him out a window when he was a baby because she was so depressed and couldn't handle the stress. The worst part is he wants to get married. She'd be my mother-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

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By anoynomous - France

Today, I got a ticket. The officer's daughter is my ex. He gave me a ticket for 31 in a 30 mph zone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, the CEO of my company wanted to meet with me. I was excited until I found out she just wanted to bitch me out and personally fire me. Later on, I found out my boss had totally shafted me and blamed the failure of a big project on me instead of admitting it was all his fault. FML

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By Lucky - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a cruise line I had travelled on with my parents a year ago. After being told I had won a free $2,000 cruise from a sweepstakes I had entered while on the cruise. After celebrating loudly they informed me that you have to be 23 or older to collect it. I'm 17. FML

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By WellThen - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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By my bad - 24/9/2020 01:58 - United States

Brain fart

Today, I went out with my friend and her boyfriend. Not knowing him very well, I accidentally called him by her ex’s name. He took that as a sign she was still seeing the ex and dumped her on the spot. She’s now not speaking to me for ruining her life. I’m just bad with names. FML

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By Annette - United States - Seattle

Today, I started my new job. Less than one hour into the day, my boss told me that the reason he hired me was that I was the least attractive of everyone he interviewed, so I'd be less likely to cause a distraction. FML

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By magomag - United States - Fair Lawn

Today, I learned if you type my full name in Google Images, the 3rd thing that comes up is a naked woman in ropes. Someone on Pornhub thought it was smart to comment that the girl looks just like me. She does. Now my parents think I'm a porn star, and most people at school stopped talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML

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By mummer11 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

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By shatMyself - United States

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Call Mario

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By Anon - Australia

Today, I was caught and fined for picking a lock. I have OCD. I was picking the padlock on a toilet paper holder in a public toilet because the roll was the wrong way round. FML

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By TheStudentNurse

Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alexandria

Today, my fiancé's mother gave me a beautiful cross necklace to wear for my wedding. I'm Jewish. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML

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By anna - France

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

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By Distressed - United States

Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail by the state suing me for child support. I am 22 and still a virgin. FML

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By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

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By friendless - Canada

Today, I got invited out by friends for coffee after I broke up with my boyfriend. When I told my mom where I was going, she looked at me and said, "But you don't have friends. All your friends are pixels. Where are you really going?" FML

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By cakegirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend invited me over so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom hands me a box. When I got home I opened it. His mom baked me a break up cake. FML

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By spider-sarah - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By Anonycunt - Germany - Bonn

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

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Top comments

By Bibico_fml | 0

#9026 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:34

Obviously you got loose somehow, since you're posting this story. You should wait until your mother's asleep and then tie her up and take a video of her struggling and then say you're putting it on youtube. She sounds like she has a great sense of humor, so she'll probably play along. You'll be able to bond with her more easily. See? There's a bright spot you might have missed!

By redroses5 | 0

#8997 - Saturday 28 February 2009 1:44

haha your mom sucks.

COMMENTS

By Dr_Phil | 0

#8934 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:27

That game sounds gay.

Reply

lgeorge | 0

#2201897 - Saturday 19 March 2011 1:13

Last time I checked, gay wasn't a derogatory term.

Reply

Silenthunter | 0

#2613395 - Friday 3 June 2011 18:45

Last time I checked, gay meant happy

By Seegtease | 0

#8975 - Saturday 28 February 2009 1:11

The problem is? Seriously.

You were playing a game and you got duped by friends and your mom laughs? She's only human.

By redroses5 | 0

#8997 - Saturday 28 February 2009 1:44

haha your mom sucks.

By k649 | 0

#9023 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:29

Jumpropes are fairly easy to untie...

Reply

ekdfml | 20

#3782813 - Saturday 24 December 2011 21:04

No they aren't

By Bibico_fml | 0

#9026 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:34

Obviously you got loose somehow, since you're posting this story. You should wait until your mother's asleep and then tie her up and take a video of her struggling and then say you're putting it on youtube. She sounds like she has a great sense of humor, so she'll probably play along. You'll be able to bond with her more easily. See? There's a bright spot you might have missed!

By KatieWagnerFab | 0

#9056 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:29

The next time your mom has a flat, stop, look at her, laugh your ass off and keep going. Payback's a bitch

By JustAGirl_fml | 0

#9072 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:55

Your mom is hilarious, I would have done the same thing!

By King_of_Kings | 3

#9191 - Saturday 28 February 2009 10:31

i totally agree with #14

By littlepirate_fml | 0

#9302 - Saturday 28 February 2009 17:05

Wow, your mom is a hero :'D.

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#9924 - Sunday 1 March 2009 6:45

first off your mom is great. but why did you agree to be tied to a telephone pole?