Miscellaneous: Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 511

You deserved it 37

27/02/2009 20:28

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 583

You deserved it 5 104

This Charming Man

Working from home rules!

Glass half empty

13/09/2012 05:30

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 030

You deserved it 5 355

11/07/2015 06:13

Today, my boss told me I wasn't getting the promotion I'd been angling for. I was so pissed off, I ranted to a coworker about it over lunch. Turns out my boss was just testing how I dealt with rejection before making his final decision. He overheard my rant and me calling him a Nazi bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 159

You deserved it 37 166

16/04/2009 18:43

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 713

You deserved it 129 736

04/08/2010 10:25

Spicy

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 404

You deserved it 11 287

04/03/2016 21:59

Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 320

You deserved it 1 574

30/01/2009 23:17

Spicy

Today, I was sexiled. So that my roommate and the boy who I confessed my love to two days before could hook up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 563

You deserved it 2 389

01/04/2011 14:19

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 781

You deserved it 4 573

05/02/2015 20:42

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 792

You deserved it 8 318

07/07/2012 07:26

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response: "Still missing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 438

You deserved it 6 979

21/02/2017 07:00

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 566

You deserved it 2 998

08/11/2017 15:00

Today, I was taking the SAT and feeling really confident in my answers. When we were close to finishing, some idiot pulled the fire alarm. All of us have to retake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 562

You deserved it 210

19/02/2013 23:07

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 071

You deserved it 3 812

01/01/2009 19:09

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 221

You deserved it 37 438

20/01/2009 05:42

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 098

You deserved it 2 125

22/02/2015 16:09

Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 924

You deserved it 2 136

18/09/2015 20:02

Today, my boss told me to stop giving work to our college intern because it's an embarrassment to have someone who hasn't finished college working for him. This is the same boss who constantly brags about being a high school drop out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 288

You deserved it 1 556

11/09/2013 14:16

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 521

You deserved it 7 099

07/01/2009 03:58

Today, my wife and I went to a wedding. At one in the morning, when the cheese was being served, we were starting to fall asleep at the table, so we went to our car to take a short nap. When we woke up it was 5am, and the party was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 646

You deserved it 34 445

23/12/2010 04:35

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 600

You deserved it 45 385

01/01/2011 13:30

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 760

You deserved it 3 470

17/07/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 157

You deserved it 319

16/03/2012 06:02

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 352

You deserved it 24 160

30/09/2015 13:13

Today, I took my dad out shopping. I managed to pull into a really cramped parking spot and said, "Man, that was a tight squeeze." My dad then looked me in the eyes and said, "So was your mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 592

You deserved it 2 934

Who are you?

By shannon - 02/04/2021 20:59

Today, I asked my coworker for her name. She screamed at me because apparently I'd already asked her 5 times before. I have no memory of any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 205

Sounds illegal

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 00:01

Today, I got a lot of tips at work, but little did I know our boss takes it out of our paychecks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 855

You deserved it 114

Two wheels not so good

By Dana O'Neil - 24/04/2021 00:30

Today, it's been 4 days of recovering from a motorcycle accident. Which happened 5 hours after it was delivered. I went face-first through a garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 822

19/04/2009 21:47

Today, is my 21st birthday. I get home after my night out and walk into the garage to see a 2002 Red Corvette convertible. I run up to the car thinking its a gift and there's a note: "Dani this is not your birthday present. Quit drooling on my car. -Dad" Thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 696

You deserved it 13 735

02/10/2010 23:08

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 351

You deserved it 10 355

29/10/2008 11:57

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 478

You deserved it 3 958

20/05/2014 09:54

Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 635

You deserved it 8 760

Emotional rollercoaster

By Anonymous - 02/10/2021 22:01

Today, my dad all but told me that he ignores me and my advice on purpose, just so he can yell at me for pestering him when I get annoyed, and being ignored really ticks me off. Then my mom, who is the more level-headed one, didn't even scold him for it. This is why I have acute self-esteem issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 145

15/10/2010 08:05

Today, my parents told me I was adopted. I can understand parents waiting for a child to be old enough to understand, but I'm 33 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 301

You deserved it 2 626

29/04/2009 15:47

Spicy

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166 264

You deserved it 13 626

25/01/2013 18:00

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 474

You deserved it 2 567

23/07/2014 23:24

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 123

You deserved it 20 416

17/07/2009 05:11

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 412

You deserved it 90 663

16/02/2011 02:32

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 624

You deserved it 7 035

Long list

By Unfortunate - 02/06/2021 16:00

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after two years of dating. So far this year, I sprained my wrist, my dog died, my best friend of 6 years ended our friendship, I was diagnosed with PMDD, my cat died, I had an ovarian cyst rupture, and I got turned down for every job I applied for. Only 7 more months to go… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 98

18/01/2013 23:18

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 940

You deserved it 3 110

14/12/2011 05:42

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text that said, "I can't be seen with you anymore. You're too fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 383

You deserved it 12 188

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Saturday 28 February 2009 2:34

Obviously you got loose somehow, since you're posting this story. You should wait until your mother's asleep and then tie her up and take a video of her struggling and then say you're putting it on youtube. She sounds like she has a great sense of humor, so she'll probably play along. You'll be able to bond with her more easily. See? There's a bright spot you might have missed!

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Saturday 28 February 2009 1:44

haha your mom sucks.

Comments

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Saturday 28 February 2009 0:27

That game sounds gay.

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Saturday 19 March 2011 1:13

Last time I checked, gay wasn't a derogatory term.

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Friday 3 June 2011 18:45

Last time I checked, gay meant happy

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Saturday 28 February 2009 1:11

The problem is? Seriously. You were playing a game and you got duped by friends and your mom laughs? She's only human.

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Saturday 28 February 2009 1:44

haha your mom sucks.

k649 0

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Saturday 28 February 2009 2:29

Jumpropes are fairly easy to untie...

ekdfml 20

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Saturday 24 December 2011 21:04

No they aren't

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Saturday 28 February 2009 2:34

Obviously you got loose somehow, since you're posting this story. You should wait until your mother's asleep and then tie her up and take a video of her struggling and then say you're putting it on youtube. She sounds like she has a great sense of humor, so she'll probably play along. You'll be able to bond with her more easily. See? There's a bright spot you might have missed!

KatieWagnerFab 0

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Saturday 28 February 2009 3:29

The next time your mom has a flat, stop, look at her, laugh your ass off and keep going. Payback's a bitch

JustAGirl_fml 0

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Saturday 28 February 2009 3:55

Your mom is hilarious, I would have done the same thing!

King_of_Kings 3

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Saturday 28 February 2009 10:31

i totally agree with #14

littlepirate_fml 0

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Saturday 28 February 2009 17:05

Wow, your mom is a hero :'D.

holynemesis1208 3

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Sunday 1 March 2009 6:45

first off your mom is great. but why did you agree to be tied to a telephone pole?