Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

by weddingblues / 05/30/2011 at 12:19am / United States (New York) / Geek

Mirorbo's comment : If you're marrying him, you should be well aware of his preferences and behavior, darling...

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Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

by yummy / 05/29/2011 at 11:34pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy

Fuzzygraywolf's comment : a wee bit behind on the learning curve are we? lol

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Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

by kerdersty / 05/29/2011 at 11:27pm / Canada / Health

malpalll's comment : what the fuck. some people have absolutely no self control.

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Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

by hs / 05/29/2011 at 9:59pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

by milkymoo / 05/29/2011 at 9:45pm / Cyprus / Work

Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML

by Brie / 05/29/2011 at 2:22pm / United States / Animals

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she takes the shower head and starts spraying my penis with it. I asked her "what are you doing?" Her response: "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2011 at 10:04am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

by adogg18 / 05/29/2011 at 4:12am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML

by Username / 05/29/2011 at 12:41am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

by CAchickadee / 05/29/2011 at 12:27am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after having not used my laptop since January because I thought it was broken, I found out that the key lock has been on the whole time. FML

by shouldhavecheckedthelock / 05/28/2011 at 9:56pm / United States (Maryland) / Geek

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

by tb351 / 05/28/2011 at 7:37pm / United States / Kids

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my feelings to this girl I'm crazy about. I even wrote and recorded a song for her. Instead of listening to it, she gave it to her ex boyfriend who responded to my heartfelt words by headbutting me. FML

by StratMan / 05/28/2011 at 12:44pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love