Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

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Creepy

KoBabe

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 23/2/2012 20:25 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 04:44 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

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By chaoticnh - 24/6/2011 09:57 - Austria

Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

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By soapgirl - 13/8/2009 16:07 - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

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By Hairy_Potter - 23/1/2014 17:13 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

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By obtuse_ballsack - 4/6/2012 20:37 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

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By sabotaged - 2/11/2015 00:05 - United States - Oakland

Today, I got fired from my dream job. I found out today that the girl who trained me lied and taught me how to do things wrong, so that when she got back from maternity leave, she could get me fired and take her job back. My new coworkers were in on her plan from the beginning. FML

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By LonelyHeart - 22/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I surprised my boyfriend at work, only to notice that his neck was covered in hickies. The night before, he texted me saying he needed alone time to get his mind together. Looks like he got together with another mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2016 01:04

Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

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By anonymous - 22/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

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By ZPyRoGoDz - 30/10/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked why, she replied with "You don't go out anymore. All you do is lay in bed." I've had the flu for the past week. FML

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By awkwardbf - 9/9/2009 01:26 - United States

Today, I was sitting on my boyfriends lap and we were hanging out, talking, and enjoying each other's company. Then he looked into my eyes and right when I thought he was going to kiss me, he said "I can feel your heartbeat on my dick." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 16:59 - India - New Delhi

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

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By phant776 - 13/5/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize and I was hit with a big stick. FML

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By TheLastSerenade - 23/1/2013 08:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a woman breast feeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years old. FML

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By fuckspellcheck - 28/4/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

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By notwasted39 - 13/7/2009 16:21 - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

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By poisonhand - 3/2/2009 08:46 - United States

Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4 hours. My boss told me to feel free and continue, but to pack my stuff up and leave when I was done. FML

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By cat whisperer - 20/3/2014 04:31 - United States

Today, on my way to Burger King I got into a heated discussion with my wife about our cats. We have 15 rescues, and I've reached my limit. Guess what came running up to my car while waiting in the drive-through. We named him Pickles. FML

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By Azure_Mist - 27/1/2011 22:53 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2013 21:57 - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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By agstone - 9/8/2017 23:15

Today, at 2:47 am, my mom woke me up in a panic screaming about smelling gas and the house blowing up. Twenty minutes, two fire trucks, and a traumatized dog later, it was just the neighbors burning their mail. FML

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By CallmeTokey - 12/7/2016 03:21

Today, as I was laying on the bottom part of my bunk bed, I noticed a beam on the underside of the top bunk that seemed to have no place being there, so I tried to find out what it was. I soon discovered it was to support the bed after it promptly collapsed on me. FML

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By TrashlifeKaylala - 10/7/2019 00:01

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk

Today, my father once again sat me and my boyfriend of a year down to have another "talk." These "talks" are always something negative against our relationship, and how it’s not up to his standards. We’ve explained numerous times why he’s wrong. My father is about to make me single. FML

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By alison - 4/7/2015 05:02 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

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By cachucy - 18/3/2012 15:04 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 13:00 - United States

Today, a guy drunkenly professed his love for me. He did this after walking in on me peeing, which he decided was the time to tell me such a thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

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By Quicky5_ - 3/11/2015 06:58 - United States - Jasper

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

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By youjustsuck - 25/7/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

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By Noname - 17/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement and had to get stitches in my knee. The class I was running to was Buddhist Philosophy where I was supposed to give a presentation on how we all need to slow down and stop rushing through life. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 11:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By notyoueallie - 20/8/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML

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By Gremlin - 24/6/2012 00:10 - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

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By SoSoRachel - 31/10/2012 21:03 - United States - Dunlap

Today, while giving a speech at work, I started sneezing. After what seemed to be the last sneeze, I went on talking. Apparently it wasn't, and I blew out my eardrum. FML

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By nenette - 12/11/2014 22:50 - France

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 05:21 - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

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By hiker - 29/3/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML

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Top comments

By Amystika | 0

#134921 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:02

you obviously embarrassed him.

By Imagril | 0

#134944 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:05

How old is that kid? seriously he needs some sense of respect kicked into him

COMMENTS

By mintfreshpinesol | 0

#134912 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:01

Haha, OUCH

Reply

erika_lynnex | 0

#975448 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 4:01

thank you so much for not saying "firsttttt!!!!!!!!!" like an idiot :)

Reply

b182link | 0

#1030186 - Monday 14 June 2010 15:52

well you shouldn't have screamed so loud, I wouldve done the same

Reply

scvcwcheer | 0

#1099272 - Friday 16 July 2010 22:53

I agree with 291. YDI for embarrassing him

Reply

brainsoverbeauty | 21

#2067075 - Thursday 10 February 2011 17:57

He still has no right to refer to his mother as "some fat bitch." That is no way to treat a mother who is showing support for you.

Reply

crazymase | 9

#2122037 - Friday 25 February 2011 9:20

so true^

Reply

chickinova | 13

#3543760 - Saturday 5 November 2011 3:12

i agree with 291 and 305. ydi for shouting so loud, hes a douche for saying that

Reply

Vaati_fml | 20

#5488215 - Sunday 12 May 2013 2:49

Exactly

Reply

Hanipan | 6

#5539694 - Monday 17 June 2013 23:51

#291, #293, #318
Don't ever have kids, you stupid cunts.
She was supporting that child - and this is the thanks she gets? She doesn't deserve this, but you three do. Just because neither of you never had any supportive parents doesn't mean you should dog someone who IS being a supportive parent.

Reply

L2U7A_E5I9A2E8H | 20

#5911110 - Friday 11 April 2014 4:21

Yup, how to get grounded 101.

By wowfmlife | 0

#134913 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By dubvfan2 | 0

#134916 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:02

lose weight...

By butterflys322 | 0

#134919 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:02

lose weight...

By Amystika | 0

#134921 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By yeaboiii | 0

#134925 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:03

HA beat his ass! if it were my kid he wouldn't be able to sit down for a month.....lil fucker

Reply

iJasper | 8

#2863318 - Sunday 10 July 2011 23:52

Lmao, x3

Reply

nicework | 0

#3047585 - Friday 5 August 2011 23:45

what r u going to do to him to make him not be able to sit down???

Reply

SUEHIM | 0

#3482569 - Monday 24 October 2011 15:49

Have you ever played soccer? One of the most annoying things is fat bitchy soccer moms calling peoples names from the sideline

Reply

EverdreamOfMe | 24

#5383642 - Tuesday 26 February 2013 3:14

So beat his ass for understandably not wanting to be linked to his mother? No, the mother was in the wrong here. Poor kid.

By JohnSly21 | 0

#134926 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Freaklancer | 0

#134929 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

habick | 4

#4736014 - Thursday 26 July 2012 18:16

Your an idiot

Reply

anjtrg_1112 | 23

#5530941 - Wednesday 12 June 2013 6:45

You're*

By suckstobeyou3 | 0

#134935 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:04

Ground that little brat for being an asshole.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#916216 - Friday 5 March 2010 6:49

why would you ground, they don't learn from that!

you gotta beat the sense into him

Reply

hahaLexinater | 0

#1954330 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 10:23

ya grounding him won't but beating him will! haha

By Mars_bar123 | 0

#134940 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:05

Haha, that's kind of funny.