Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway... - FML

By brob56 - 23/4/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway of her house, and I looked at her car and noticed a hideous dummy. It was fat and just ugly, but I didn't think much of it. I tried to make a joke and asked, "Where did you get that awful thing?" She said, "That's my daughter". FML

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Insane parents

In my day…

Sewer monster

By Craptastic - 15/9/2018 15:00

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2014 21:16 - Portugal

Today, my demented little sister walked up to me and kicked me between the legs. I told my parents, but they just accusingly asked me what I did to provoke her. When I said "nothing", they accused me of lying. There is no justice. FML

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By beemove - 28/12/2013 21:19 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

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By Ellowise - 24/12/2009 10:06 - Belgium

Today, I used the tanning booth for the first time. Not only was I so white that I received first-degree burns all over my body, but I also forgot to remove my knee-high socks. FML

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By hbt51 - 17/8/2015 19:56 - United States - Blue Ridge

Today, while out jogging, I was suddenly hit with unbelievable gastric distress. I wasn't wearing brown pants when I set out on that jog, but I sure was when I made it back home. FML

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By stephanie - 28/9/2018 03:00

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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By ER1C - 16/5/2016 12:35 - Canada

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

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By max - 3/1/2012 19:36 - United States

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

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By Dino - 12/10/2012 06:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

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By anonymous - 21/11/2009 08:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

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By Inez333 - 3/4/2019 02:00

Today, I finally got to see my favorite aunt after months of her living far away with her new boyfriend. She now believes the Earth is flat, gravity is fake, the government is run by reptiles, and that vaccines are the devil themselves. She won't stop trying to convince me of her conspiracies. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 00:27 - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2017 02:00

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

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By J-Ro - 4/3/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By blumaster04 - 22/12/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

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By Shawty - 3/11/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, I went on a date, and within the first five minutes, he said, "Before we go any further and get anymore serious, you need to know a few things, I have kissed a guy drunk because it was a dare, and have a $400 silk rose Victoria's Secret blanket." FML

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By broke bitch - 23/6/2015 04:15 - United States - Hampton

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

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By ruined_suit - 17/4/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

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By No O-face - 18/1/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

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By randomusername99 - 5/5/2014 21:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

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By ilovesocks - 20/1/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

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By Burned - 5/6/2011 00:54 - United States

Today, I went to the beach with my friends to show off my engagement ring. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up extremely sunburnt to a text from my boyfriend confessing that he's been cheating on me. I gave him the ring back. Now I have its tan line on my finger. FML

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By Distraught - 1/3/2011 21:08 - Reserved

Today, the day before I was going to move in with my army fiancé, he was told he would be deployed very soon. I can't pay for the apartment without him, and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty. FML

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By kelsjenks - 27/7/2011 13:50 - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 22:02

Power move

Today, I was walking my girlfriend to class when my friend came by and playfully punched me in the arm. Trying not to look like a wimp, I turned around to hit him in the arm. Instead, I ended up punching a girl in the face. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me and I'm suspended. FML

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By sweet2u22 - 27/2/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

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By beautyschool22 - 11/6/2012 23:39 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

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By Abcporn - 25/9/2013 23:22 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

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By SIK of everything - 22/2/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked. It was MY party. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 08:21 - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

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By drunkennight - 23/11/2009 03:45 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

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By sarahbeth93 - 20/7/2011 04:07 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend to stop tickling me, since I absolutely hate being tickled. He got extremely pissed at me and left the room. It took me a full five minutes to realize that I'd called him by my ex's name. FML

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By mister_pinky - 15/7/2014 22:04 - United States - Portland

Today, I returned to my teaching job at a local community college after surfing for the weekend. I'd got sunburned, one student immediately noticed and said to me, "Morning, Mr. Pinky!" Now they all do it. My students are assholes. I hate teaching. FML

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By MissArizona - 8/8/2011 14:12 - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

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By ihncredible - 10/12/2012 23:32 - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

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By Elcam - 16/10/2013 08:22 - Belgium

Today, I replaced a usually fun collegue's picture of his kids with a picture of my face against glass, so it looked I was inside the screen. Everyone laughed, but he reported me because I tried to "erase his children" and "if anything happens to them" it's now my fault. FML

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By :| - 26/9/2015 04:10 - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy - 23/7/2018 19:04

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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By sherryberry2013 - 10/6/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. As we got to the ticket booth, a couple of girls queued behind us. My boyfriend graciously introduced me as his little sister, and invited the girls to join us. We've been together for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 17:17 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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Top comments

By DarthFurby | 0

#135983 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:12

you were STANDING IN THE DRIVEWAY and you couldn't see that it was a real person? YDI

By Jasper_fml | 0

#135978 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:10

you deserved it, dickhead.

COMMENTS

By Jasper_fml | 0

#135978 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:10

you deserved it, dickhead.

Reply

sophiem4861 | 0

#986033 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 20:50

hahahaha! thanks so much, your failure just made my day :)

Reply

killerweakness | 0

#3317517 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 17:22

Must of been a hideous child

Reply

mattmadden | 0

#3458376 - Thursday 20 October 2011 1:20

I haven't laughed at an FML in such a long time. Thank you OP for making my day.

Reply

MissPunchYouOut | 5

#3543877 - Saturday 5 November 2011 5:02

LOL fail. Better than it being a actual dead body n ur neighbor being q phsyo path. Rite.

By DarthFurby | 0

#135983 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:12

you were STANDING IN THE DRIVEWAY and you couldn't see that it was a real person? YDI

By z_vet | 0

#135984 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:12

Agree with #1.

By Jimboom | 11

#135992 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:17

Dumbass. I agree with all the previous posts. Tear your eyes away from her rack for a second and notice the world around you. You may notice a dick on your forehead.

Reply

Frankinatore98 | 0

#3992305 - Saturday 4 February 2012 17:05

Lol @5

By noclevername | 0

#136005 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:29

How long have you been neighbours? Have you been so busy checking her out that you failed to notice the other people living in her house?

By ScottyD620 | 0

#136009 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:30

lol she shoulda answered something like this "From somewhere you aren't ever gonna be"

Reply

george456 | 0

#880266 - Monday 22 February 2010 0:39

#7 win

By Duckie101 | 0

#136016 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:38

why do all these FMLs refer to the opposite sex as "hot/sexy" and "the most beautiful girl/boy in school"? where are all these attractive people and why cant I find them??

Reply

123sploosh | 0

#377233 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 1:53

true that, true that

Reply

MicMic_fml | 7

#3468478 - Saturday 22 October 2011 0:47

I just found one..

By suckylifey | 0

#136017 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:39

wow. you're a douchebag!

By J_a_s_m_i_n_e | 0

#136026 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:48

I agree with.... Everyone, you douchebag!

By Eresbel | 0

#136028 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:49

#8, maybe you're not paying attention? I see plenty of attractive people (though I'm sure the people who say "hottest in the room" are exaggerating for storytelling purposes).

YDI for not being able to tell the difference between a doll and a human.