Love: Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway... - FML

By brob56 - United States

Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway of her house, and I looked at her car and noticed a hideous dummy. It was fat and just ugly, but I didn't think much of it. I tried to make a joke and asked, "Where did you get that awful thing?" She said, "That's my daughter". FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

BO Central

Boom, headshot

By fuckMYlife94321 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap while my mom was at work. I woke up when she came home and didn't think anything of it so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I went downstairs and our 52" plasma screen TV, my xbox 360, and $1500 computer were all stolen. I'm guessing that wasn't my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2020 02:00

Getting the point across

Today, I was discharged from hospital and I took a cab home. The driver drove really fast and made sharp turns that made me feel nauseous. As I opened my mouth to tell him to slow down, I threw up all over the back seat. FML

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By notAMrs - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

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By shizzy09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

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By Sierra Madre

Time for an intervention

Today, I got yelled at all day at work, only to come home and get yelled at by my husband. FML

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By lilsis - Australia

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

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By juliette - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

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By kewlio45 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had an interview for a college. The college is in Rhode Island. I live on the West coast. When I asked the interviewer if they got to the mainland by boat or by some other form of transportation, he told me Rhode Island is not an island. FML

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By mandy - Australia

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

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By WellShit - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By cloud7

Today, after finally dropping my weight from an overweight 200 to a slim 135, my skin is now loose everywhere, and stretches about two inches out on my stomach. FML

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By BoringFucker - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By Grinsporked

Bankers!

Today, after talking to the bank, I'd have to take a pay cut to qualify for a home loan. I'm still confused. FML

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By Anonymous - Maldives

Today, while using the bathroom I gave the toilet a courtesy flush, only for it to overflow and soak my pants. That would've been bad enough even if I hadn't been at work, with five hours left on my shift and no change of clothes. FML

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By waymoreiwanted - United States - Ashland

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

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By Misterhippo - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

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By DroppedTheSoap - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

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By guess28 - Puerto Rico

Today, my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. FML

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By kenzieeeee - United States

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

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By sadnj

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with my attractive and seemingly charming neighbor. Yesterday, his house was raided and he was arrested for running a heroin ring. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mother-in-law turned up at my doorstep close to midnight, drunk off her tits, crying about how my wife is punishing her and throwing her life away by marrying me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

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By noname - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

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By apowell5 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to try and get answers about the numbness and tingling in my right leg. The Dr told me I was too fat for my pants, and I pinched a nerve. FML

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By I'm Not Dead Yet - United States - Tucson

Today, I put my headphones on and laid down to relax to some music. I fell asleep, and woke up later to a police officer busting into my house. My neighbor had been knocking on my door, then looked through my window and saw me on my couch, and was convinced I'd died. FML

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By drunkboysgf - Canada

Today, I had to get my boyfriend's mom to help me get my boyfriend in his house because he was so drunk. He broke up with me for getting him in trouble. FML

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By komp6390 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got charged $100 for having a cat in our apartment. I was only babysitting the cat so my neighbors wouldn't get caught and fined. We got caught because my roommate reported the people downstairs for having a dog, so they reported that someone else in the building had a cat. FML

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By FGum - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

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By need not know

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

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By kissless - United States

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got fired from my first-ever job. Via text. I hadn't even started the first day but I'm expected to drive an hour and a half to my now ex-boss's house to return the key. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad finally told me why he never paid child support to my mom when he was supposed to for the last ten years. His reason? Because I'm a girl and I wasn't that important. FML

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By OhDear - United States

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML

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By badcook - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

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By amber - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my boyfriend gave me acne cream for my birthday. FML

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By abbiexo97

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

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Top comments

By DarthFurby | 0

#135983 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:12

you were STANDING IN THE DRIVEWAY and you couldn't see that it was a real person? YDI

By Jasper_fml | 0

#135978 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:10

you deserved it, dickhead.

COMMENTS

By Jasper_fml | 0

#135978 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:10

you deserved it, dickhead.

Reply

sophiem4861 | 0

#986033 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 20:50

hahahaha! thanks so much, your failure just made my day :)

Reply

killerweakness | 0

#3317517 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 17:22

Must of been a hideous child

Reply

mattmadden | 0

#3458376 - Thursday 20 October 2011 1:20

I haven't laughed at an FML in such a long time. Thank you OP for making my day.

Reply

MissPunchYouOut | 5

#3543877 - Saturday 5 November 2011 5:02

LOL fail. Better than it being a actual dead body n ur neighbor being q phsyo path. Rite.

By DarthFurby | 0

#135983 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:12

you were STANDING IN THE DRIVEWAY and you couldn't see that it was a real person? YDI

By z_vet | 0

#135984 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:12

Agree with #1.

By Jimboom | 11

#135992 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:17

Dumbass. I agree with all the previous posts. Tear your eyes away from her rack for a second and notice the world around you. You may notice a dick on your forehead.

Reply

Frankinatore98 | 0

#3992305 - Saturday 4 February 2012 17:05

Lol @5

By noclevername | 0

#136005 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:29

How long have you been neighbours? Have you been so busy checking her out that you failed to notice the other people living in her house?

By ScottyD620 | 0

#136009 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:30

lol she shoulda answered something like this "From somewhere you aren't ever gonna be"

Reply

george456 | 0

#880266 - Monday 22 February 2010 0:39

#7 win

By Duckie101 | 0

#136016 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:38

why do all these FMLs refer to the opposite sex as "hot/sexy" and "the most beautiful girl/boy in school"? where are all these attractive people and why cant I find them??

Reply

123sploosh | 0

#377233 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 1:53

true that, true that

Reply

MicMic_fml | 7

#3468478 - Saturday 22 October 2011 0:47

I just found one..

By suckylifey | 0

#136017 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:39

wow. you're a douchebag!

By J_a_s_m_i_n_e | 0

#136026 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:48

I agree with.... Everyone, you douchebag!

By Eresbel | 0

#136028 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:49

#8, maybe you're not paying attention? I see plenty of attractive people (though I'm sure the people who say "hottest in the room" are exaggerating for storytelling purposes).

YDI for not being able to tell the difference between a doll and a human.