By helen_ - United States

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

Today, I had to go to my 10 year-old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face, "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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Higher standards

Man's best friend

Halloween came early

By Tanny

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML

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By fatcat - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

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By pocahontas - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

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By jasondrags - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I tried to arrange my first gallery exhibition as a photography student. Not even my mother wants to come. FML

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By freckle82 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 4:30am because I forgot to turn my Blackberry off 'loud'. I woke up to find an email from my ex-boyfriend's crazy mother who had sent me pictures of her son's wedding that had happened over the weekend. I am still single. FML

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By D-Man - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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By shayes9 - United States

Today, the boss returned from vacation. While he was gone we thought it would be a great idea to fill the water cooler with margaritas. Even after rinsing it we still have lime flavored water. Needless to say we got a company memo about appropriate office behavior. FML

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By Worried - Australia

Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML

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By gbhlaughingstock - United States

Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML

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By

Today, I realized that I hadn't heard anything about my upcoming class reunion. Turns out it was an invite via Facebook that I didn't receive because most of my classmates are on my block list. FML

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By RectalSteve - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

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By oD_Ronan - United States - Olympia

Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML

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By its still broken - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

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By Ouch

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

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By off the family

Today, my daughter apparently have had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing at me by going: "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point." She's 7. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spanaway

Today, at my wedding, the minister forgot to skip the "does anyone object?" part. My mother stood up and gave a lengthy reason, which caused my future in-laws to start shouting. It turned into a small riot, and no, we're not married now. FML

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By Mel - France - Toulouse

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I received a ticket for not having my headlights on. The cop who pulled me over had a broken headlight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chandler

Today, I corrected someone who spelled "learned" as "learnt" on my favorite forum. Nothing could've prepared me for the torrent of abuse that followed from the non-American members. Now I'm banned for "trolling," and all my 7,000+ posts since 2006 are gone forever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband tried to haggle a blowjob out of me in exchange for taking his first shower in nearly two weeks. FML

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By mylifesuckssomuch3214 - United States

Today, after complaining to the administration about my roommate, I finally got switched. As I went into the room to meet my new roommate, I found out he was my old roommate's brother. They are exactly the same, and I'm not allowed to switch again. FML

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By bezoar10 - United States

Today, it's the five year anniversary of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML

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By stanky - United States - Columbus

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

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By always-the-responsible-one - Canada

Today, I just spent half an hour cleaning up my little brother's puke after he got drunk for the first time. All the people who bought him drinks are still out partying and having a good time, while all I can smell is whiskey, Chinese food, and whatever else was in his stomach. FML

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By jshibbz0993 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML

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By unzucht - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my wife and I convened our families for a joint dinner, followed by me breaking the news that my wife is pregnant. My father visibly scoffed, and my grandfather spent the rest of the evening muttering to him about how "breeders should be shot". Wonderful. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML

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By Really? - Australia - Homebush

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

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By Brennan Lebrun

Today, I went to my best friend's house to propose to my girlfriend of 6 years. When I walked in, she was having sex with my best friend's 37-year-old brother. She then yelled, ”You should have knocked first!” FML

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By Anonymous

Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML

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By whyme27 - Canada

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

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By socialix - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend with a serenade. After I finished, she told me she'd come over to tell me she'd found someone else and wanted to break up. FML

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By M to the line - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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By neta_1996 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

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By notguilty - United States

Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

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By Why - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

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Top comments

By Jaywin | 3

#137512 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:16

That's when you say "Too late and I fucked your mom in high school" and continue with your presentation.

By stargirl14 | 0

#137505 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:16

well the kid already sounds like a douchebag to me lol

COMMENTS

By ohhboyy | 0

#137499 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:14

LMFAO!
owned by little kids

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#978393 - Monday 12 April 2010 3:29

then you cooked him and served him as to his parents, right?

Reply

FweakofCydonia | 40

#6513063 - Sunday 17 January 2016 23:42

Easy there, Hannibal Lecter!

By Kozzy333 | 0

#137502 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:15

Owned. That kid probably got in tons of shit.

By stargirl14 | 0

#137505 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:16

well the kid already sounds like a douchebag to me lol

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5707002 - Monday 7 October 2013 19:49

Lol if I was that kid and someone ripped on my mom like that I woulda flattened him in front of the whole classroom no problem. :p

By Jaywin | 3

#137512 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:16

That's when you say "Too late and I fucked your mom in high school" and continue with your presentation.

Reply

Nutz321 | 0

#1450771 - Friday 24 September 2010 8:00

LOL

Reply

FMLbutYDI | 17

#5544740 - Friday 21 June 2013 3:26

OP is a girl...

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#5990776 - Saturday 28 June 2014 6:42

Who says she's straight?

By xTc_JEWboy | 0

#137516 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:17

hahahahahahahaha
jew

By mjsmclaren | 0

#137519 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:18

smart kid, he knows a douche when he sees one

By steinway | 0

#137524 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:18

i'd slap the kid in the mouth

By james098 | 0

#137525 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:18

smack the prick with one of your many large spoons

Reply

popo6484 | 3

#4861285 - Sunday 26 August 2012 5:30

Spoon too easy fork or knife

By g_m_j | 0

#137529 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:19

ouch
but its still funny

By xlunabella | 0

#137541 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:20

that was really rude, If that was me I'd drop kick that kid. :|