By Anonymous - United States

Sketchy

Today, I parked downtown for a few minutes to pick up a pizza. As I was getting out of my car, a sketchy guy came up and asked me for $5. I told him to get lost and walked away. I walked back to the lot with my pizza and my car was gone. The sketchy guy was a parking attendent. He had my car towed. FML

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#1 Mom of the Year

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Boozehound alert

By Academia - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because "Wifi's all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

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By Time to study again

Today, I was taking the SAT and feeling really confident in my answers. When we were close to finishing, some idiot pulled the fire alarm. All of us have to retake it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML

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By ouchbrow - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By Katie - United States

The Bathtub Incident

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

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By jtaylor94 - Canada

Today, my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said "is your dad home?" I replied "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute, it was on speaker. FML

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By Boner Ben

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

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By Enragedbitch - United States - Torrance

Today, my husband informed me that he recently slept with a secretary of his to become better at sex for me. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he cheated on me or that he seriously believes that he has a reasonable excuse. FML

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By achoooo - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By sprainedankle - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

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By stupid - Canada

Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft for the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games. FML

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By failphone - United States

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 11:01 - United States - Marietta

#ForeverAlone

Today, I woke up realizing that not even the scammer that I told I would pay for her friendship wanted to be my friend. FML

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By jessiluvxx - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

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By Guitar-ZERO - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my eye started hurting with unbelievable pain. I couldn't see out of it and I asked my father if he would take me to the hospital, since it was hurting so bad. He said he had to wait for the pizza he ordered for delivery. I had to call a cab to go to the emergency room because of pizza. FML

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By Batman

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my fiancée "thought I should know" that she has a $125,000 student loan debt. FML

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By thissinglelife - United States - Alhambra

Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boyfriend got on one knee and started talking about how we met. Knowing what was coming, I started tearing up, absolutely sure he was going to propose. Just as I was about to say yes, he quickly stood up and yelled "HAH, JUST KIDDING". FML

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By hatemylifelol - United States - Roseville

Today, I noticed I parked behind a boy I like. Trying to impress him with my driving skills, I ended up forgetting to put the car in reverse and rear-ended him. FML

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By MeAgainDr... - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By hannah - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By fuck off, dad - Colombia

Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML

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By Cuntface McGee - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

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By loserman - United States - Frisco

Today, while at my brother's funeral, my girlfriend decided to tell me she's been sleeping with him. FML

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By mustachioed - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

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By trooper93 - Canada

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

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By dumb4$$0rz - United States

Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML

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By robbyrabbit - United States

Today, I went to the place I signed for yesterday to pay the first month's rent and get my keys. I looked around before I left, and used the toilet. I went back later to show my boyfriend and found the place flooded an inch with water coming from the toilet. It had been flooding for 7 hours. FML

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By AwkwardWaitress - United Kingdom

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

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Top comments

By uhhuh_her | 0

#136887 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:02

I'm sure he tried to tell you what he was doing and you just didn't listen. YDI

I hope that pizza tasted good while you were sitting on the curb.

By poopooface | 0

#136894 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:04

Seems kinda weird... a "Sketchy" guy would ASK for $5? You'd think they'd explain first and then tell you the price - if any. I would've thought it'd be up to the customer to leave some sort of tip for parking attendance...

... HMM.

COMMENTS

By uhhuh_her | 0

#136887 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:02

I'm sure he tried to tell you what he was doing and you just didn't listen. YDI

I hope that pizza tasted good while you were sitting on the curb.

Reply

yankees1149 | 0

#994147 - Saturday 15 May 2010 14:24

haha suxsss!

Reply

Zonadow | 0

#997129 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 4:22

THIS.

Reply

zach5432 | 3

#2808522 - Saturday 2 July 2011 21:42

your an idiot, why would you want to trust a sketchy guy? op probably thought he was lying.

By poopooface | 0

#136894 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:04

Seems kinda weird... a "Sketchy" guy would ASK for $5? You'd think they'd explain first and then tell you the price - if any. I would've thought it'd be up to the customer to leave some sort of tip for parking attendance...

... HMM.

Reply

rcbarnes | 24

#4112757 - Friday 2 March 2012 3:34

I, too, find the details suspect...

Reply

ambear26 | 14

#4740092 - Friday 27 July 2012 17:01

Hm I think he did more than ask for $5 OP considering it is his job and all ... You should've probably seen that coming. Ydi.

Reply

caspertink | 17

#6586603 - Saturday 23 April 2016 5:55

Downtown in Georgia, the attendants do dress sketchy often times, however they put signs ALL OVER the parking lot and basically every parking lot in Downtown you have to pay to park. Chances are, they were collecting the fee and op ignored it.

By cant_touch_this | 0

#136895 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:05

Maybe you shouldn't be such an ass.

By mattmag | 0

#136899 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:05

Haha owned. But $5 for a quick pizza pickup? That's pure extortion.

By violetxo | 0

#136906 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:07

How can a parking attendant be sketchy?

By jaybirdka | 0

#136934 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:13

I hope they dented and scratched the fuck out of your piece of shit car you twat.

By padlarf | 14

#136938 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:14

4, who the hell said that the pizza parlor owns the parking lot?

Reply

Cereal_Is_Good | 5

#3428918 - Friday 14 October 2011 5:42

4 is referring to the parking attendant, not the pizza parlor. -_-

By LuckyCharms_fml | 0

#136954 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:17

#5 in my experience, parking attendants are ALWAYS sketchy.

I would've told him to get lost too.

YLIF

By aupilot | 0

#136968 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:19

#2 obviously has never tried to park in a downtown area.

By meetmeinhell | 0

#136972 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:21

#7 no one did, but nonetheless they would of had to pay $5 dollars to park to get a pizza. DUH