Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

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Time for the ER

Toxic parents

Deep-seated resentment

By SophieGray - 20/5/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

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By ILoveAnimals - 11/6/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By Loveless - 20/7/2009 01:06 - United States

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

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By sisterofthebride - 3/10/2014 20:22 - United States

Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML

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By nofrickenway - 25/4/2012 00:08 - United States - Newport News

Today, I found out that my unemployed and very needy mother-in-law will be moving in with us soon. And during my conversation on the phone with her, she expects us to buy a house and my wife and I can "live with her." My wife agrees with all of this. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 20:07 - Canada

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

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By ljjprchf - 13/12/2009 01:29 - Australia

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

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By Elmoo - 1/6/2012 01:20 - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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By black hoodie - 19/5/2013 23:07 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

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By ewww - 30/7/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML

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By Human fly - 21/4/2013 06:20 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, I put up one of those hanging fly catchers in my room due to the unsettling amount of flies in the house. I remarked how stupid flies were to land on them. Within an hour, I got up and walked straight into it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 12:30 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

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By rukus - 16/6/2009 03:25 - Canada

Today, I was was leaving the library when I noticed an elderly woman being mugged. I was about to leave on my bike, but promptly went to help her. After I managed to scare off the mugger, I helped her to her car. As I was heading back to my bike, I notice the mugger riding off on it. FML

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By porn daddy - 21/6/2017 00:00

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

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By Stewtato - 12/7/2019 22:30

Today, a bat flew into my house. We locked it in my brother's room, complete with cats, and just barely got it back outside alive. We later found out it was an endangered species, so we also narrowly avoided arrest. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2015 14:04 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

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By iltdtsm - 15/8/2009 16:58 - Canada

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

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By argh - 20/3/2012 08:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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By fucking_worthless_loser - 8/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

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By creys - 18/11/2012 07:04 - United States

Today, I went to Target with my dad, and he told me to get in the shopping cart. I thought he was being cool and wanted to push me around. He snorted and said he was thinking about crashing me into a car and suing the driver. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 17:09 - Philippines - Makati

Today, after a week of looking for my car keys and being forced to drag my family around on public transportation, my wife found the keys in our car's ignition. FML

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By JustAnotherTina - 2/12/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got an email. It said "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 14:01

Out of the frying pan…

Today, I thought I finally had a decent boyfriend. He didn’t seem like an emotionally unavailable alcoholic like my past boyfriends. Then I found out he’s an unemployed Trump supporter. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2014 05:27 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There was around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is and doesn't think it exists. FML

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By Hornymuch - 2/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By roughsexgonewrong - 5/11/2013 18:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

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By Pithegreat - 6/1/2016 04:48 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend's 16-year-old daughter got a job. I'm 29, with a Master's degree and I'm still unemployed. FML

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By Unclean - 12/3/2020 18:58

Missing the point

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 08:01

When pranks go wrong

Today, as punishment for a prank, my girlfriend has banned all forms of sex, kissing or touching for the foreseeable future. She’s also started stripping as soon as she gets home and walking around in just her thong, or sometimes even completely naked, just to make my suffering worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:45 - Brunei Darussalam

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

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By Sabrina - 3/9/2019 04:00 - Australia - Canberra

Move on, dude

Today, looking on the internet, I came across my ex's Facebook page. Most of the posts were about me, and his profile picture was still of me and him. We broke up over a year ago. FML

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By yesnomaybeso7 - 12/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

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By - 9/4/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By James - 23/4/2017 02:00

Today, while standing in line to get my driver's license renewed, I hiccuped and burped at the same time. I was so flustered that I ended up telling an entire room full of people that I had the 'herps'. FML

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By Scared - 5/6/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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Top comments

By Nate04 | 0

#133295 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

If she is going to be that way, I would consider that money well spent... Now, get up, dust yourself off, and go buy yourself a lapdance or something. :)

By epic_phail | 0

#133294 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

what a bitch

COMMENTS

By blapimp182 | 0

#133288 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:01

That sucks!! Sorry :(

Reply

ampsmagss | 0

#1320665 - Monday 30 August 2010 6:52

I like cheese.

By epic_phail | 0

#133294 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

what a bitch

Reply

cookiemonsterxx1 | 0

#2383206 - Thursday 21 April 2011 14:24

I know!! she used him and was a douche for breaking up over a text.

By Nate04 | 0

#133295 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

If she is going to be that way, I would consider that money well spent... Now, get up, dust yourself off, and go buy yourself a lapdance or something. :)

By Radiation_fml | 0

#133307 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:04

She wasn't worth it anyway obviously.

Reply

woosah | 16

#3145236 - Saturday 20 August 2011 10:52

not worth it at all, she sounds like an awful bitch. I don't like her.

By wanderingidiot | 0

#133310 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:04

hot gf! she sounds smart :)

By JackBox_fml | 0

#133321 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:06

Break that bitches phone, that is messed up.

By nazooer | 11

#133324 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:06

Bitch.. =/

By SSC_fml | 0

#133330 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:07

Well-- you didn't need her anyway >:[

Celebrate wid friends for losing a slutwhore :D

By sblade46 | 0

#133332 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:07

LOL Sign her phone number up for lowermybills.com and lendingtree.com and all current minutes and future minutes will be wasted by people calling her trying to sell her a loan.

Reply

blackicysheep | 8

#1037213 - Sunday 20 June 2010 16:38

hahahaha, legend!

By snoopy24_fml | 0

#133333 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:07

eww that sucks...3 pages over text??? and who spells things out over text?

next time, don't pay phone bills for a girl until you're married.

Reply

rebellionwars | 11

#5652497 - Sunday 1 September 2013 1:40

Did you really just ask who spells thing out over text? Lma