Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

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Rock, hard place

Goodbye Bill

Fairytale ending

By Anonymous - 2/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Peru

Classic Jeff

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

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By considering murder - 25/3/2016 17:19 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML

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By xxruby - 24/2/2015 21:07 - United States - Katy

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2015 11:11 - United States

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

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By Dr.Octopus454 - 7/10/2011 14:58 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a life guard, I walked through the changing room to go back to the pool. On the way, a naked old man started up a conversation with me. We talked for 10 minutes about pool chemicals, while his penis wobbled around with every small movement. This happens all the time. FML

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By irishbubble - 4/6/2013 12:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML

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By hejdixjeln - 17/3/2013 10:25 - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

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By anal4me - 5/4/2012 20:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got my license. Instead of congratulating me, my buddies created a betting pool for when I get into a serious accident. Thanks for the support. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2016 06:00 - Australia

Today, I checked my Tumblr account to see if anyone had commented on the photos of my new tattoo. There were only 3 posts, and 2 of them were people linking it to "Awful Tattoo" blogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By Stacy - 5/7/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

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By damncat - 8/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, while driving, I witnessed the neighbors dog viciously shaking a black cat. So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car, frantically chasing around the huge dog screaming "Help, someone please help!" I finally managed to tackle him and release the cat. It was a stuffed animal. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, at my girlfriend's place I cleaned up her room, put candles everywhere, scented the air and placed rose petals all over her bed in an attempt to be romantic and loving. The first thing she said when she saw all this was "uggg I have to clean all this up". FML

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By fuck you walmart - 26/4/2013 22:03 - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By Boyufd - 15/10/2019 02:00

Too late

Today, I bought a replacement ID after weeks looking for my old one and not finding it. When I got home, my brother said he'd found my ID. FML

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By clewie - 31/8/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By jrad - 8/9/2010 19:23 - United States

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

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By chuffberry - 19/4/2016 13:39 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

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By ohno - 13/7/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

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By Why Me? - 31/1/2013 09:07 - United States - Scranton

Today, I found out that I have a highly irrational fear of little people. I made this self discovery when my mother introduced the family to her new fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2010 08:23 - France

Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML

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By I'm_Not_Interested - 6/7/2015 05:30 - United States - Reno

Today, I found out the only reason why a friend of mine even bothered talking to me. He thought that I'd sleep with him if he was nice enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 17:45 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when his sister knocked on the door and asked if she could borrow the zombie movie we were watching after we were done with it. We weren't watching a movie; I was just moaning. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2011 21:45 - United States

Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML

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By 1234 - 11/7/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one ripe. My husband yelled "she likes to eat beans." FML

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By noname - 7/11/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 00:15 - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

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By Jason Brazil - 13/8/2019 14:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

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By Lady Vulva - 19/9/2015 02:56

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 01:31 - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

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By jonboy - 9/5/2009 20:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML

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By LivingInMisery - 12/4/2017 21:00 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, I was supposed to have my advising appointment for my next semester of college. When I got to campus, it was windy and raining so heavily that my clothes were sopping wet within a minute of stepping out of my car. My advisor didn't show up. FML

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By chevysprint - 28/2/2010 05:36 - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2014 22:14 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I horribly lost a game of basketball against my dad. It wouldn't have been so humiliating if he hadn't been piss drunk at the time. FML

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By Anon - 18/8/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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By Z - 26/11/2012 10:26 - Australia

Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML

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By piper55 - 10/5/2019 14:00

Today, for the first time in a month, I talked to someone in person besides my grandmother and my husband. It was a store clerk calling me "Miss" and asking if I was finding everything okay. FML

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By Blackfell - 7/8/2012 17:59 - United States

Today, I found out why I can't sleep at night. My wife switched my sleep aid pills with energy pills. FML

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By pisspantsjob - 31/7/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, at work, I fell asleep. This is how I discovered that when I'm sleeping, and am scared awake by my boss with an air horn, I yelp louder than a terrier and piss my pants. FML

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Top comments

By Nate04 | 0

#133295 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

If she is going to be that way, I would consider that money well spent... Now, get up, dust yourself off, and go buy yourself a lapdance or something. :)

By epic_phail | 0

#133294 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

what a bitch

Comments

By blapimp182 | 0

#133288 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:01

That sucks!! Sorry :(

Reply

ampsmagss | 0

#1320665 - Monday 30 August 2010 6:52

I like cheese.

By epic_phail | 0

#133294 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

what a bitch

Reply

cookiemonsterxx1 | 0

#2383206 - Thursday 21 April 2011 14:24

I know!! she used him and was a douche for breaking up over a text.

By Nate04 | 0

#133295 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

If she is going to be that way, I would consider that money well spent... Now, get up, dust yourself off, and go buy yourself a lapdance or something. :)

By Radiation_fml | 0

#133307 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:04

She wasn't worth it anyway obviously.

Reply

woosah | 16

#3145236 - Saturday 20 August 2011 10:52

not worth it at all, she sounds like an awful bitch. I don't like her.

By wanderingidiot | 0

#133310 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:04

hot gf! she sounds smart :)

By JackBox_fml | 0

#133321 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:06

Break that bitches phone, that is messed up.

By nazooer | 11

#133324 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:06

Bitch.. =/

By SSC_fml | 0

#133330 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:07

Well-- you didn't need her anyway >:[

Celebrate wid friends for losing a slutwhore :D

By sblade46 | 0

#133332 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:07

LOL Sign her phone number up for lowermybills.com and lendingtree.com and all current minutes and future minutes will be wasted by people calling her trying to sell her a loan.

Reply

blackicysheep | 8

#1037213 - Sunday 20 June 2010 16:38

hahahaha, legend!

By snoopy24_fml | 0

#133333 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:07

eww that sucks...3 pages over text??? and who spells things out over text?

next time, don't pay phone bills for a girl until you're married.

Reply

rebellionwars | 11

#5652497 - Sunday 1 September 2013 1:40

Did you really just ask who spells thing out over text? Lma