Today, I got home to three boys riding bikes out in front of my house, smiling at me. I instantly thought they were checking me out, so I smiled sweetly at them. Turns out they were flaunting the fact that they just stole all 3 of our bikes. FML

by Emily / 07/06/2011 at 4:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

airforce987's comment : get a car and ride them over

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Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's facebook wall. Apparently I give awful blowjobs. FML

by Anna / 07/06/2011 at 2:15am / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

maskedman's comment : This is one of those situations where you just have to suck it up and move on. you're not to good at that first part, are you?

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Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML

by thoughtcrimeno1 / 07/06/2011 at 1:27am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

arminium's comment : dumb... just dumb. isn't that the first think we are taught about a car's engine? don't touch the radiator cap when it is hot, or if the car is smoking. YDI

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Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

by ChelseaRae / 07/06/2011 at 1:11am / United States / Health

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

by Username / 07/05/2011 at 10:54pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I called my phone company to get some answers about my phone bill. I was okay with being put on hold. In fact, I was on hold for so long, that the music stopped playing. When someone finally answered they told me to call back tomorrow. All my phones disconnected an hour later. FML

by Broguy / 07/05/2011 at 10:20pm / Canada / Money

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2011 at 6:37pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2011 at 6:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

by IAmACoolCat / 07/05/2011 at 12:41pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

by Jessie / 07/05/2011 at 12:34pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

by omfgfmlife / 07/05/2011 at 10:32am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

by chawlay / 07/05/2011 at 10:04am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about our communication problems. He fell asleep. FML

by Ella / 07/05/2011 at 7:48am / Australia (Queensland) / Love