Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2011 at 6:23pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2011 at 1:25pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

by caqi33 / 03/08/2011 at 1:23pm / United States / Health

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

by ouch / 03/08/2011 at 10:50am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Alleged_Cranium's comment : Since you're not using it, would you donate your brain to science? They could use it to study the null-brain.

See all the comments

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

by MommyLovesMe / 03/08/2011 at 10:21am / United States (Georgia) / Money

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML

by ghoul / 03/08/2011 at 6:32am / Animals

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2011 at 2:17am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy

Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML

by ToxicSuicide / 03/08/2011 at 1:47am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

by tatfreak / 03/07/2011 at 8:03pm / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

by chelsea / 03/07/2011 at 5:23pm / Health

Today, I withdrew €40 at the ATM to pay for dinner later tonight. It wasn't until I went to pay for it that I realized I'd taken the receipt, but left the cash in the ATM. FML

by booooo / 03/07/2011 at 4:38pm / France (Provence-Alpes-Cote d'Azur) / Money

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

by Less / 03/07/2011 at 2:39pm / Reserved / Health

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

by lolzboss / 03/07/2011 at 2:04pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy