By PeterRabit - Canada

Headshot

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

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Proactive

Dangling modifier

Family values

By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Mirror, mirror

Today I discovered that I'm so pale that I can lighten up any distant dark corner of the room just by placing my hand by a window and reflecting the light like a mirror. Imagine how bright it would be if I stood by the window naked. FML

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By Amberizzle - United States

Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

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By TheVagabond_SRG - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

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By helplesssssss - United States

Today, I took a shower in a beachhouse we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my cell phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML

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By jessel_ladd92 - United States

Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML

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By BlueSteele220 - 29/7/2020 17:01

Too late

Today, someone stole a package off my doorstep. Too bad, it was the video doorbell to prevent my packages from being stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

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By maybe next time? - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

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By KayleeXLoVe21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

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By blew it

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, only while I was down there I noticed he had an ungodly amount of dick cheese under his foreskin. He’s now mad at me for blueballing him, even though he’s clearly the one at fault for being a filthy pig. FML

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By shtidsfpa - United States - Shelby

Today, I only just found out that the abbreviation "lbs" is actually short for pounds. I've been saying "labs" my entire life. I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

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By coloring is not for me - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By Uggghhh

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from my 2 week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason she asked me to shave my beard. When I go down on her shaved, it feels more like her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Darth Spasticus - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

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By PC Jones - Australia

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

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By phoenixditch - United States - Burke

Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, I realized how truly insecure I really am, when the guy in the show I'm watching looked straight into the camera and I immediately looked away. FML

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By Anonymous

Testimony night

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

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By me - Canada

Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 23:01

Drained

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

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By joolsie - United Kingdom

Today, after a particularly gruesome nightmare about spiders due to my irrational phobia, I decided to try and desensitise myself by googling 'house spiders'. I can't stop the feeling of something crawling over every inch of my body, but at least I now know they can live up to six years. FML

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By cmolloy - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 14:01

We could be heroes

Today, as an Ambulance Technician, I dealt with a man who had too much LSD. He urinated on my boot and spat on me multiple times, thinking he had dragons in his mouth. I put a mask on him and he took it off so "the dragons could escape." My wage is lower than if I were working in a supermarket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was denied food stamp assistance. Apparently, you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study. I was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died, and if I worked 20 hours a week, why would I need food stamps? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML

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By 352 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Is this Brexit?

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

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By Princess ? - 12/4/2020 14:00

Buzzing the tower

Today, I was taking a shower when my husband suddenly came in naked. I thought we were gonna have some fun, and so tried to be sexy. He took a quick shower and left. FML

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By loko0909 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

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By Rosie - Germany - Wesel

Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML

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By sickmom - United States - New Orleans

Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML

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Top comments

By aback | 4

#428459 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:34

Good of you to show them how it's done.

By iBad | 0

#428643 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:14

u should have walked away with the ball

COMMENTS

By aback | 4

#428459 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:34

Good of you to show them how it's done.

Reply

teehee520 | 0

#428794 - Sunday 26 July 2009 0:00

Win.

Reply

rends | 0

#1090326 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 19:29

u dropkicked the ball? a little unnescesary huh?

Reply

niamhyo | 13

#5962499 - Sunday 1 June 2014 18:28

Hey

By Niko_Peiko_Boo | 0

#428468 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:36

Haha! Damn kids these days.....

By krispykreem | 0

#428485 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:39

...nice.
Those kids sound like pricks though. Maybe those reflexes could earn you the position of their goalie?

By metamorphmagus | 0

#428487 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:39

YDI for trying to teach them a lesson the wrong way. I'd suggest returning the ball politely and then either call their parents or just bust the shit out of them.

Reply

SuperSpore | 0

#428537 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:48

And get sent to jail for child abuse? I think not. I think what he did was the best way to teach them. Or he could kick it back at the person who kicked it at him. Hard.

Reply

NoteMyGrin | 0

#429766 - Sunday 26 July 2009 8:01

Haha. You don't think that'd raise some eyebrows?

Reply

ReasonsToFly | 0

#431351 - Sunday 26 July 2009 21:30

You could throw one of your foot at one of them in the balls and say "Oops, I slipped."
No jail time, all good.

By chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#428506 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:42

OUCH

By powersticks | 16

#428526 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:46

Watch where you're aiming next time man. I would of kick it straight back at them if they weren't little kids. See how they like a face full of soccer ball lol

By papooseee | 0

#428557 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:53

thats an interesting analogy.. ricochets of a tree, i don't get it

Reply

STVader | 0

#428677 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:23

its not an analogy. It means it hit a tree and bounced back at him. That's what "ricochet" means.

Reply

lexiBRo | 0

#428942 - Sunday 26 July 2009 1:16

im totally missing where you see an analogy...

Reply

diemoelol | 0

#429488 - Sunday 26 July 2009 5:22

He's being a smart ass because the OP left an F off in the word "off."

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#431721 - Sunday 26 July 2009 23:38

#30 and 18, you fail

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#717024 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:00

#18 = dumbass.

By shewasalmost18 | 0

#428558 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:53

today i kicked a ball at some guy. he tried to kick it far away, but he hit a tree and ended up crying on the ground. mylifeisaverage

By LadyAlathia | 0

#428575 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:57

Yeah, next time, don't be a dick. Just give the kids their ball back.

Reply

ReconExpert | 0

#452826 - Monday 3 August 2009 9:27

So your saying just keep walking after a ball almost nails you in the head, and do nothing back? Screw that!

Reply

Kathykir | 0

#2374310 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 19:57

I like that shit I wouldn't be able to put up with it

By soccergirl15_fml | 0

#428584 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:00

Well done. Those kids are stupid for being so obvious though. Sometimes before games my friens and I try to peg people walking behind the net. Kind of entertaining.

Reply

Themaineaddict | 0

#428681 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:24

Hahahahaha me and my friends do that at lacrosse! We intentionly miss the ball so it will hit people walking by on the feet. It gets them so mad

Reply

Manon_fml | 2

#428787 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:58

wow, how cool are you....

Reply

Orchid_fml | 2

#428858 - Sunday 26 July 2009 0:38

you don't deserve to play lacrosse .