By PeterRabit - Canada

Headshot

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

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Rich people problems

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Delayed proposal

By Tasha84 - United States

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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By shmarf - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 23:01 - Germany

Clean up in aisle 3 please

Today, despite my asking her several times, my mom seems incapable of putting dog food in a bowl. She just throws it on the floor, where you step on it, slip on it, the doors get stuck on it and the tiles are now full of greasy dog food crumbs. FML

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By Sticky - 8/11/2020 17:02 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Craft beer bores

Today, just before bed, I decided to put away the dry washing. I ended up knocking over my boyfriend's precious brewing ginger beer. It took me an hour to clean it off the floor, cupboards, door, outside and inside of the fridge. Everything is still sticky and smells of yeast. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

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By broke bitch - United States - Hampton

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my slacker co-worker accused me of stealing because I got more hours than him. I was called into the manager's office and interrogated. They believed him, and sent me home for the day. I guess it pays off being the boss's kid. FML

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By Birthday1313

Today, my mother learned a new expression and uses it in every sentence. Her special, new expression is "boom diggity." It's apparently "hip." FML

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By unknown

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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By Christinemh329 - United States

Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML

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By Kitty_Gem - United States

Today, my mother told me I should think about quitting school. She explained that the reason was because she didn't want me to be more successful than my older sisters. FML

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By stupid - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 08:08

Warm up guy

Today, it seems that my four previous girlfriends all left me because they found better, more attractive, more wealthy, more interesting men. My entire love life feels like I’m the warm up act for the main event of other dudes getting laid. FML

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By svet - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

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By NoMagicMike - United States - La Crescent

He's fine

Today, I was assigned to work on a huge project with Michael. Michael refers to himself in the third person, constantly mumbles unintelligibly to himself, doesn't smile, laugh or make eye contact, and refuses to address me directly. I'll be stuck with him for about four months. FML

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By Beth - Australia - Perth

Today, my fiancé's mother tried to arrange a marriage for him to a nice Indian girl, again. We've been engaged for a year, and the wedding is in a month. FML

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By Anonymous

Fetch!

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Man child, part 2

Today, I was told I'm lazy by my boyfriend because I skipped work. He skips his all the time and when I get home still have to cook and clean up after him. FML

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By balkangirl94 - United States

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

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By lmaoLOSER - United States

Today, I got a perfect score on my French quiz, and I was told to have my mom sign it. What I didn't realize was that all the way at the bottom she wrote "Good Nathaly!" and "I love you!" surrounded by little hearts. The teacher hung it up anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 02:01

Revelations

Today, I got a message from a woman. It was my boyfriend of five years' ex-girlfriend, telling me that she’s pregnant with his baby and that they’ve been together for a year. FML

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By luvlessbootycall - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML

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By coffee_princess - Canada

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lansdowne

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

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By elizabeth - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home to my mother-in-law wearing the gold chain which I usually keep in a hidden drawer. I searched my drawer only to find out my chain was missing. I asked my mother-in-law if she took it and she keeps denying the fact that she stole it from me. My husband is on her side. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left a voicemail. Seems like she accidentally called while sleeping with another man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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By Baby eater - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

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By confiancedecrise

Today, I was texting a girl I was interested in and we exchanged Instagram names. She ghosted me right after. She's the fourth girl to have done this to me in the past month. I guess I'm unattractive, but at least I'm good at texting. FML

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By Anonymous

Clean me, humanoid

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

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By badDriver - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. It happened to be my driving instructor's car. While he was instructing me, sitting in the passenger seat. I don't think I'll pass. FML

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By crowded - 20/5/2020 23:00

Crowded House

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to his parents' house for the weekend. He didn’t tell me until after we’d arrived that all his siblings and their SO's would also be coming. His parents live in a 2 bedroom, one bath house. So far there are 16 people here and he’s refusing to drive me back home. FML

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By Pimpleeater - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

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By dkajxu - Singapore

Today, while studying in the middle of the night, my dad came home drunk. I helped him to the sofa and after clearing up his mess, he started going on about how useless my sister Vanessa was, and how good a daughter I am. I am Vanessa. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I received a surprise "absolute final notice" email for payment of an overdue fee from the university I withdrew from 6 months ago. Turns out, my old landlord has been hoarding their letters to me. As a result, my credit is now in the shitter and I had to pay an extra $120 in interest. FML

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By Lucachoo - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go on a date with me tomorrow. His reaction was to pick up a banana and pretend that he was in the middle of a phone call. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Pragmatic

Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML

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Top comments

By aback | 4

#428459 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:34

Good of you to show them how it's done.

By iBad | 0

#428643 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:14

u should have walked away with the ball

COMMENTS

By aback | 4

#428459 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:34

Good of you to show them how it's done.

Reply

teehee520 | 0

#428794 - Sunday 26 July 2009 0:00

Win.

Reply

rends | 0

#1090326 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 19:29

u dropkicked the ball? a little unnescesary huh?

Reply

niamhyo | 13

#5962499 - Sunday 1 June 2014 18:28

Hey

By Niko_Peiko_Boo | 0

#428468 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:36

Haha! Damn kids these days.....

By krispykreem | 0

#428485 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:39

...nice.
Those kids sound like pricks though. Maybe those reflexes could earn you the position of their goalie?

By metamorphmagus | 0

#428487 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:39

YDI for trying to teach them a lesson the wrong way. I'd suggest returning the ball politely and then either call their parents or just bust the shit out of them.

Reply

#428537 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:48

And get sent to jail for child abuse? I think not. I think what he did was the best way to teach them. Or he could kick it back at the person who kicked it at him. Hard.

Reply

NoteMyGrin | 0

#429766 - Sunday 26 July 2009 8:01

Haha. You don't think that'd raise some eyebrows?

Reply

ReasonsToFly | 0

#431351 - Sunday 26 July 2009 21:30

You could throw one of your foot at one of them in the balls and say "Oops, I slipped."
No jail time, all good.

By chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#428506 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:42

OUCH

By powersticks | 16

#428526 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:46

Watch where you're aiming next time man. I would of kick it straight back at them if they weren't little kids. See how they like a face full of soccer ball lol

By papooseee | 0

#428557 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:53

thats an interesting analogy.. ricochets of a tree, i don't get it

Reply

STVader | 0

#428677 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:23

its not an analogy. It means it hit a tree and bounced back at him. That's what "ricochet" means.

Reply

lexiBRo | 0

#428942 - Sunday 26 July 2009 1:16

im totally missing where you see an analogy...

Reply

diemoelol | 0

#429488 - Sunday 26 July 2009 5:22

He's being a smart ass because the OP left an F off in the word "off."

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#431721 - Sunday 26 July 2009 23:38

#30 and 18, you fail

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#717024 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:00

#18 = dumbass.

By shewasalmost18 | 0

#428558 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:53

today i kicked a ball at some guy. he tried to kick it far away, but he hit a tree and ended up crying on the ground. mylifeisaverage

By LadyAlathia | 0

#428575 - Saturday 25 July 2009 22:57

Yeah, next time, don't be a dick. Just give the kids their ball back.

Reply

ReconExpert | 0

#452826 - Monday 3 August 2009 9:27

So your saying just keep walking after a ball almost nails you in the head, and do nothing back? Screw that!

Reply

Kathykir | 0

#2374310 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 19:57

I like that shit I wouldn't be able to put up with it

By soccergirl15_fml | 0

#428584 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:00

Well done. Those kids are stupid for being so obvious though. Sometimes before games my friens and I try to peg people walking behind the net. Kind of entertaining.

Reply

Themaineaddict | 0

#428681 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:24

Hahahahaha me and my friends do that at lacrosse! We intentionly miss the ball so it will hit people walking by on the feet. It gets them so mad

Reply

Manon_fml | 2

#428787 - Saturday 25 July 2009 23:58

wow, how cool are you....

Reply

Orchid_fml | 2

#428858 - Sunday 26 July 2009 0:38

you don't deserve to play lacrosse .