All the FMLs

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 20:38 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 903

You deserved it 5 198

By shanxi - 23/05/2012 18:47 - United States

Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 696

You deserved it 2 518

By Notorch - 23/05/2012 15:53 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I went to see a once-in-a-lifetime moment when the Olympic torch passed through my town. I waited for 3 hours only to get a bruise from a man shoving me out of the way at the exact moment it went past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 556

You deserved it 2 524

By alexo - 23/05/2012 15:52 - United States

Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 240

You deserved it 2 545

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 11:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 820

You deserved it 2 246

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 06:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 280

You deserved it 2 383

By CollegeKID - 23/05/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, I went to orientation for college. They gave us a name tag and I tried to figure out how to put it on for a few minutes. After struggling with it I realized it was a sticker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 857

You deserved it 29 897

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 01:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 486

You deserved it 4 682

Building bridges

By fml - 22/05/2012 23:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 642

You deserved it 4 712

By Anonymous - 22/05/2012 20:49 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 799

You deserved it 4 546

By fuq - 22/05/2012 18:42 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 900

You deserved it 2 780

By boblaj - 22/05/2012 16:11 - United Kingdom - Hastings

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 882

You deserved it 4 041

By angry girlfriend - 22/05/2012 14:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 729

You deserved it 3 614

By ordinaryday - 22/05/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 273

You deserved it 3 345

By Rick - 22/05/2012 11:02 - United States - Spartanburg

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 089

You deserved it 4 820

By Anonymous - 22/05/2012 10:35 - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 341

You deserved it 6 617

By BowlofCherries - 22/05/2012 02:48 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a café when a construction worker asked to borrow a pen. The only pen I had on me was my brand new Parker, which I reluctantly loaned him. As he was writing, he stopped to think, and happily chewed on the end of the pen, which he later returned to me, glistening in saliva. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 480

You deserved it 5 280

By bronco_lover89 - 22/05/2012 01:05 - United States - Essexville

Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 941

You deserved it 39 436

By bear - 21/05/2012 22:47 - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 958

You deserved it 4 382

By Cam - 21/05/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Holsworthy

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 242

You deserved it 43 809

By sickdisney - 21/05/2012 18:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 119

You deserved it 36 041

Just checking

By whytoday - 21/05/2012 14:59

Today, I read an article on babies dying after being accidentally left in cars in the sun. On my lunch break, I decided to walk around the parking lot, checking to see that no kids were abandoned in cars. A guy gave me a smack for looking through his car window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 082

You deserved it 45 045

By Rebecca - 21/05/2012 14:11 - United States - Austin

Today, my colleague yet again misused the word "literally." It's driving me insane. I have to work opposite him and hear him say things like he's just "literally shit himself inside out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 284

You deserved it 5 201

By medosin - 21/05/2012 12:10 - Austria

Today, I went into Whole Foods asking if they carried a supplement called Carnosine. The girl assisting me had no idea what it was, but asked, "Is this for weight loss?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 349

You deserved it 4 594

By Anonymous - 21/05/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the orthodontist's to get my braces tightened, and I chose baby blue bands. Turns out they make my teeth look extremely yellow. Only a month and a half to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 747

You deserved it 4 843

By HomelessGirl1 - 21/05/2012 05:28 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 783

You deserved it 10 864

By thejbarrick50 - 21/05/2012 02:29 - United States - Bergen

Today, I decided to save a few bucks and let my mother cut my hair. I then had to wait in the hospital for attention due to the fact that she cut the tip of my ear off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 161

You deserved it 4 802

By Anonymous - 21/05/2012 01:10 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 096

You deserved it 2 039

By VocalizedBoar - 20/05/2012 23:35 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, there is an annual solar eclipse. As I was buying the last pair of solar glasses to watch the eclipse with, some jerk snatched them out of my hands and bolted off with them. I now have to make the decision between watching the eclipse and not going blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 772

You deserved it 3 323

VocalizedBoar tells us more.

VocalizedBoar 6

Monday 21 May 2012 9:32

No joke, all solar eclipse glasses were sold out. Even all the welding goggles were sold out at the hardware stores.

By Anonymous - 20/05/2012 19:43 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I went to a job interview at a small family-owned business. After the interview, the owner's son took me into his office and told me I'm not getting the job and to get out, because apparently, the old man thinks I'm "possessed by a demon". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 933

You deserved it 2 153

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The Top

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 804

You deserved it 75 560

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 666

You deserved it 9 002

Today, I went to visit an ex-boyfriend in New York and slept at his place. In the night, while he was asleep, I had to pee really bad so I went to their one bathroom and found his mom passed out asleep on the toilet, leading me to pee my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 050

You deserved it 223

Today, I came home after working overtime to find my dog whining and giving me her "I need to take a shit" face. After changing my shoes, I came back ready to let her out, only to find her giving me the "I just took a shit on your rug" face. My husband has been home all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 565

You deserved it 8 493

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to a theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hours later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 892

You deserved it 319

Today, I had to sit through the wedding of my best friend and the love of my life, and pretend to be happy for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 007

You deserved it 3 387