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By roadkill - 28/02/2011 15:50 - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

agreeclassic 34 306

vote type 1 2 831

By blehh - 14/04/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

agreeclassic 34 304

vote type 1 54 683

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 04:49 - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

agreeclassic 34 304

vote type 1 6 313

By Aspireworks - 29/01/2013 22:46 - United States

Today, my fiancé's mother came up to me and told me she loves that I stuck with my soon-to-be husband despite his history and condition. I have no idea what she's talking about, and she refuses to tell me. FML

agreeclassic 34 303

vote type 1 2 795

By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 03:37 - United States

Today, I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. FML

agreeclassic 34 303

vote type 1 8 611

Not in front of Him

By Username - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

agreeclassic 34 303

vote type 1 10 356

By anonymous - 03/02/2011 05:17

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

agreeclassic 34 303

vote type 1 6 459

Dealbreaker

By Anonymous - 17/03/2015 07:46

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Not for cheating or for flirting, but because I wear tighty whities. FML

agreeclassic 34 302

vote type 1 22 937

By Anonymous - 05/01/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

agreeclassic 34 302

vote type 1 8 924

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 01:31 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

agreeclassic 34 300

vote type 1 2 900

By Anonymous - 27/12/2009 12:49 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

agreeclassic 34 300

vote type 1 2 895

One simple trick

By Anonymous - 07/02/2011 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

agreeclassic 34 299

vote type 1 7 405

Stacy's mom…

By Anonymous - 24/06/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

agreeclassic 34 298

vote type 1 4 991

By syco - 28/12/2009 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

agreeclassic 34 297

vote type 1 7 405

Celebrate!

By cstokes - 05/05/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

agreeclassic 34 293

vote type 1 3 447

By drunkinriot - 03/07/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, my drunk brother thought I could withstand a metal chair being slammed across my back like on the wrestling shows. I guess he didn't know that the shows are fake. FML

agreeclassic 34 293

vote type 1 3 055

Pay attention

By That_Indian_Guy - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Oviedo

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

agreeclassic 34 292

vote type 1 9 729

By SadFace - 07/03/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

agreeclassic 34 291

vote type 1 4 961

By Anonymous - 04/10/2012 00:45 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

agreeclassic 34 291

vote type 1 2 085

By stupidoldcar - 16/11/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, I finished installing a brand new engine in my old car. It cost just over $6000. Later, I was waiting at a red light and an uninsured drunk driver smashed into it head on. It's completely totaled. I got to drive it 5 miles. The car is worth $1000, even with a new engine. FML

agreeclassic 34 291

vote type 1 4 410

By 1415926 - 22/01/2015 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a large envelope from a college I applied to earlier. My mom, expecting big news, made my family gather round as I opened it. It ended up being a letter of rejection from not just that school, but all three campuses of the state college. FML

agreeclassic 34 290

vote type 1 2 783

Generous tipper

By appleville - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

agreeclassic 34 287

vote type 1 3 183

They're after us!

By Stevie - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

agreeclassic 34 286

vote type 1 3 951

By DarkDisaster - 27/12/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

agreeclassic 34 282

vote type 1 8 233

Business casual

By Anonymous - 08/04/2013 08:30

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

agreeclassic 34 280

vote type 1 5 598

By disappointed - 23/09/2011 03:08 - United States

Today, after having saved up my money for months to buy my college-bound son the car of his dreams, I got a phone call telling me it had been totalled during a drag-race. I only gave him the keys two days ago. FML

agreeclassic 34 278

vote type 1 14 141

By Anonymous - 11/06/2011 22:36 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML

agreeclassic 34 278

vote type 1 7 321

The ole paper cut excuse

By alliwantisabandaid - 11/02/2011 08:27

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

agreeclassic 34 277

vote type 1 3 982

Spray it loud!

By klutz44 - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Winnetka

Today, I took my 2 year-old to a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

agreeclassic 34 276

vote type 1 3 003

By Dat Stanky Mouf - 16/03/2013 21:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why chewing "shit-tons of gum" is not an actual alternative to brushing his teeth. FML

agreeclassic 34 272

vote type 1 3 602

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Top

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

agreeclassic 1 364

vote type 1 395

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

agreeclassic 56 470

vote type 1 6 311

Today, it's my best friend's birthday. She went missing almost five years ago. My parents tell me to just "get over it", as if missing her is wrong. FML

agreeclassic 1 446

vote type 1 107

Today, while I was visiting my grandfather's grave, a car drove past and hit my car. The damage wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been the same car my grandfather gave me before he died. FML

agreeclassic 1 417

vote type 1 101

Today, I dropped my phone in the bathtub and had to spend the whole night trying to make the speakers work again. On top of that, while I was cleaning the bedding I discovered that my bed had grown a black mold farm and I have been sleeping on it for God knows how long. FML

agreeclassic 325

vote type 1 847

Today, I flew home from college to see my parents. Later I found the expensive painting and hand-made necklace I mailed to my mom for mother's day while taking out the trash. FML

agreeclassic 62 720

vote type 1 3 171