Health: Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't...

By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

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Health

Vulture

Age ain't nothing but a number

Priorities

By Anonymous - United States - Santee

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my cat meowing, with her dilated vagina in my face, giving birth to her first litter of kittens. FML

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By Alex Andreas - United States - Edmond

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

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By katie_sadface - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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By T___T - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

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By ZiggyTink - United States - North Branch

Bashing

Today, my boyfriend's brother and his fiancée decided to preach to me about how I need to read the Bible because I'm agnostic. I'd be fine, if it wasn't coming from two 19-year-olds who dated for 5 months, got pregnant, got engaged, lost the baby, and still wanna get married, "so they don't look bad." FML

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By ShittyKeys - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

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By nukebroadcast - United States

Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

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By chellegbelle - United States - Graham

Today, I found out my neighbor collects body-bags. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By madisonnkelly - United States - Dallas

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

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By nonbelieber - United States - Keenesburg

Today, my girlfriend started bawling, saying that our relationship wouldn't work. Why? Because if Justin and Selena can't do it, no one can. FML

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By Wino - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

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By twinkygaymer - 27/6/2020 02:02

Obey!

Today, I got screamed at by a girl because I said I didn’t want to go on a date with her. I’m a gay man. FML

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By WakeUpToADream - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

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By ihateseagulls - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

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By SadAndCold - 11/10/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom - London

Pull your shit together, Bezos

Today, my Amazon delivery was delayed. I just moved to a new place and that delivery had my pillow and blanket. I can't go buy them in person since I'm self-isolating and the heating isn't working either. Guess I'm sleeping in the freezing cold on the bare mattress one more night. FML

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By Fred - United States - Kingston

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

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By tkghan - United States - Concord

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for no real reason via text message. A few hours later, she updated her relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship." Her new "boyfriend"? Her cat. A mutual friend commented, "Well, he's better than that idiot you had before." FML

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By Syd - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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By cramps - Australia

Today, I got my period. 10 minutes into a 3 hour exam. Apparently they are serious when they say you may not leave the room under any circumstances. FML

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By lostmystuff - United States - Livermore

Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML

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By dammitall - United States

Today, I was in a bathroom stall peeing. Shortly after, I heard a couple enter the bathroom, both extremely drunk. They then had sex standing up against the stall I was in, blocking my only exit. I had to sit, wait, and listen as both parties finished. FML

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By tycrist8 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

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By gibbette - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his buddies that the main reason he got into video game modding was so he could put a virtual version of me in his games and "shoot the fuck out of that bitch". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

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By stuck - Australia

Today, because the two other managers decided to go on a spa day together, I had to stay at work despite the fact I spent most of the day throwing up in the bathroom. They called me to say what a good day they had. FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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By windsoffate - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

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By SheaLili - United States

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

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By unfriendlyskies - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

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By oww - United States - Tekonsha

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got an email from the local D and D meet up group that the next meeting will be on Feb. 14th. I don't know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine's Day, or that I have nothing better to do but go. FML

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By jobless - United States

Lay the blame

Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed afterwards that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

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By so so old now - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML

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By Loserman67

Today, I spent several hours in freezing drizzle sampling and testing diesel fuel from an above ground, 10,000 gallon tank. Soaked to the bone and shivering like mad, I gave the manager the results. He said thank you and then told me I was at the wrong location. FML

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Top comments

By Big_Red_138 | 3

#2820911 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:07

Well that's misfortunate...hopefully she lunged back at you in a blind fury and beat the shit out of her ex.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#2820929 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:09

That'll teach her to bring her ex into it.

COMMENTS

By woodzy1993 | 0

#2820905 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:06

lol

smurfsarwales | 9

#2820931 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:09

shit that sux...
#1 it a freakin douche who wanted to say something short to be first, but ended up looking like a dumb assh0le

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#2820968 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:13

that poor girl, settle it somewhere where your girlfriend isnt next time.

By TheCrazyAli28 | 1

#2820907 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:06

dumbass! you coulda at least lunged in the direction of the punch

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2821005 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:21

Sorry OP, hopefully your girlfriend understands!

Ali_Br_fml | 33

#2821078 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:34

I think op thought it was in the right direction. When you can't see straight, it's hard to punch in the same direction as the enemy's punch. hopefully op's girlfriend will understand...

ImAHomosexual | 0

#2821159 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:49

^ Nah. I'm betting she's back with her douchebag ex.

sk8rchick97 | 0

#2821545 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 0:59

OMG!! OP is Chris Brown!!:(

HelloNoora1 | 0

#2821577 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 1:04

he probably beat the shit out of him for "Punching his lady"

wingsfan19 | 2

#2821736 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 1:43

2- how about we punch you in the face and then see how good your directional skills are.

dolphincheddar | 10

#2821766 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 1:51

53. rihanna was gonna make a song about chris brown, but he beat her to it. also op. you can't take a punch.. next time wear tighter panties before you fight like a pussy

zendaddy0 | 0

#2822215 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 4:19

yes man anyone?

steph87_fml | 0

#2822338 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 5:13

only if he wants to take her to a ball lol

couturegirl2 | 7

#2823060 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 8:49

hahah. he BEAT her to it (:

Sniper3000 | 0

#2824726 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 14:17

#2 r u serious?

emmaness | 0

#2829063 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 6:41

you mean EX girlfriend!?

j_729 | 18

#5695249 - Sunday 29 September 2013 23:32

117- He didn't mean to dumbass

By Big_Red_138 | 3

#2820911 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:07

Well that's misfortunate...hopefully she lunged back at you in a blind fury and beat the shit out of her ex.

Ali_Br_fml | 33

#2821046 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:31

... I think op thought that it was in the direction of the punch... When you see double vision, or can't see straight, it's hard to know that you're not going to hit the target. It looked like the target to OP. I hope you didn't lose your girl over that OP... Explain it to her... maybe she'll understand.