Health: Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't...

By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

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Health

Relationships sink

Don't shoot the messenger

One law for me…

By Musicfreak - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, after a long discussion, my dad still doesn't understand how evolution works, and thinks it's a myth that was debunked a long time ago. FML

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By missalexa - United States

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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By Anonymous - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, and pretty much every day, my co-worker takes off her shoes while working. The smell of her feet makes me dizzy. I don't know if she's oblivious to the fact that her feet stink, or she just doesn't care. It's affecting the quality of my work. FML

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By theflasher - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML

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By Erin - United States - Springfield

Today, I fell in the shower, landing ass-crack first onto a can of shaving cream, which split my butt straight down the crack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML

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By Dave B - Reserved

Today, I was verbally abused by a guy in a 4-wheel-drive twat-tank for listening to music on my iPod while I was "blocking the way." I was standing on the footpath waiting for a bus. At a bus stop. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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By EnemyofKarma - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

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By Quackadoodledoo - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

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By This guy - United States - Jackson

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

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By janae

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

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By LonelyMonkey - United States

Today, I received an eviction notice taped to my door stating my landlord is selling his property and moving out of the country in 13 days. My landlord is my boyfriend. FML

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By use your brain mother - United States - Springville

Today, I told my mom I was going hiking with a couple of friends and wouldn't be back for 4 or more hours. Not even 2 hours later, she called the cops and reported us as missing. She didn't realize that we wouldn't have service up the canyon so we could call her back. FML

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By ellebelle - United States

Today, I had to purchase a new flat screen TV for the bar I work at. Last night I was dared to break an ashtray against the wall. I completely missed the wall and smashed the screen of the new TV they bought last month. FML

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By ewwww - United States

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

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By Socklessandsmelly - United States

Today, after 7 hours on my feet at work, my boyfriend picked me up. Relieved, I took off my shoes. Suddenly, he looked up and sniffed asking,"are those your feet?" I had forgotten to put on socks in my rush to work. He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open. FML

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By emergencyroom - United States - Parkton

Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML

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By EdibleCape - 28/5/2020 23:00

Nerves of steel

Today, I went out with my best girl friend to spice up my wardrobe. I recently broken up with my girlfriend, who was constantly flip-flopping from being in love with me to being apathetic towards me. After having a great day, on the way home my ex pulled up next to our car and I had a panic attack. FML

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By Hopeless romantic - Australia - Perth

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

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By birthday girl - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Happy Halloween?

Today, I saw photos of my roommate a recent party. OK, I'll admit I'm a little dark-skinned, but was it really necessary for him to color his face in black marker so he could go as "me" for a Halloween party? FML

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By B_McG - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML

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By fazzems - Canada

Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML

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By PoorGramps - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

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By meowitzer - 22/4/2020 05:02

All over the place

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

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By Emmaraine189 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I saw my cat licking something on the side of the road and went to check what it was. It was someone's old cigarette. I now know why she wants to be let out so often: She's addicted to nicotine. FML

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By HotAsTits - United States

Ah, young love…

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

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By koanroak - United States - Carrollton

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

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By applegreen - Ireland - Limerick

Today, while getting a breast exam for some suspicious lumps, I was lying on the table with my boobs exposed and I learned my doctor is afraid of wasps. I had to chase the wasp out whilst topless. FML

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By Birthday Boy

Happy Birthday

Today, my family asked where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. They shot down my every suggestion and decided on sushi. I'm allergic, so the only thing I could eat was a veggie appetizer. Dad said I need to "expand my palate." FML

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By el_Jeffe_D - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML

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Top comments

By Big_Red_138 | 3

#2820911 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:07

Well that's misfortunate...hopefully she lunged back at you in a blind fury and beat the shit out of her ex.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#2820929 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:09

That'll teach her to bring her ex into it.

COMMENTS

By woodzy1993 | 0

#2820905 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:06

lol

smurfsarwales | 9

#2820931 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:09

shit that sux...
#1 it a freakin douche who wanted to say something short to be first, but ended up looking like a dumb assh0le

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#2820968 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:13

that poor girl, settle it somewhere where your girlfriend isnt next time.

By TheCrazyAli28 | 1

#2820907 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:06

dumbass! you coulda at least lunged in the direction of the punch

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2821005 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:21

Sorry OP, hopefully your girlfriend understands!

Ali_Br_fml | 33

#2821078 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:34

I think op thought it was in the right direction. When you can't see straight, it's hard to punch in the same direction as the enemy's punch. hopefully op's girlfriend will understand...

ImAHomosexual | 0

#2821159 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:49

^ Nah. I'm betting she's back with her douchebag ex.

sk8rchick97 | 0

#2821545 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 0:59

OMG!! OP is Chris Brown!!:(

HelloNoora1 | 0

#2821577 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 1:04

he probably beat the shit out of him for "Punching his lady"

wingsfan19 | 2

#2821736 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 1:43

2- how about we punch you in the face and then see how good your directional skills are.

dolphincheddar | 10

#2821766 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 1:51

53. rihanna was gonna make a song about chris brown, but he beat her to it. also op. you can't take a punch.. next time wear tighter panties before you fight like a pussy

zendaddy0 | 0

#2822215 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 4:19

yes man anyone?

steph87_fml | 0

#2822338 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 5:13

only if he wants to take her to a ball lol

couturegirl2 | 7

#2823060 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 8:49

hahah. he BEAT her to it (:

Sniper3000 | 0

#2824726 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 14:17

#2 r u serious?

emmaness | 0

#2829063 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 6:41

you mean EX girlfriend!?

j_729 | 18

#5695249 - Sunday 29 September 2013 23:32

117- He didn't mean to dumbass

By Big_Red_138 | 3

#2820911 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:07

Well that's misfortunate...hopefully she lunged back at you in a blind fury and beat the shit out of her ex.

Ali_Br_fml | 33

#2821046 - Monday 4 July 2011 23:31

... I think op thought that it was in the direction of the punch... When you see double vision, or can't see straight, it's hard to know that you're not going to hit the target. It looked like the target to OP. I hope you didn't lose your girl over that OP... Explain it to her... maybe she'll understand.