Intimacy: Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!"... - FML

By anonymous

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

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Understandable

Emergency haircut

What a headache

By bluntedone - United States

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was trans-night. FML

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By ouchmytits - United States

Today, I was cooking, and I took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain. My pot holder slipped, and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts. Second degree boob burns are bad, but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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By Bamamomma01 - United States

Today, I went to get my midterm essay grade thinking I couldn't have made lower than a B. Got to class and my douchebag professor gave me an F. He wrote "Best essay I read, would've been an A if it was the right topic." I wrote on the Industrial Revolution, instead of the Scientific Revolution. FML

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By Gay younger brother

About that...

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

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By xXx - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML

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By fml - United States - Billerica

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny and made a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent,"Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

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By snowinggrey - United States

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

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By continuouslyaddingdebt

Today, in an attempt to keep my valuables safe, I snatched my PlayStation 4 controller from the hands of my 4-year-old nephew. Not knowing that it was connected, I ultimately yanked the PlayStation and the HD Flatscreen flat on their faces. FML

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By poop - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML

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By Brilliant... - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

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By boobmilk - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally told the girl I'm in love with how I've felt ever since we first met six years ago. She let me know that not only does she not feel the same way, she's always considered me a creep and only ever hung out with me because of our mutual friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to my family remodeling our (extremely) out of date bathroom. I was SUPER excited to help them get it done. I walked down the hallway and opened my bedroom door to find a huge, gaping hole in my wall and my room covered in dust. I had to sweep every surface in my room. FML

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By Razz - Australia - Lilydale

Today, I got fired, apparently for being racist to black people. When I told my boyfriend, he couldn't stop laughing. He's black. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2021 14:01 - Luxembourg - Luxembourg

Desperate

Today, I tried to find a job. Again. It's been seven years since I earned more than 70€ in a month, seven years since I moved back in with my parents, and seven years since I was registered as having a medical disability. Nobody wants me, not even as a shelf stacker. FML

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By gmd05 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a customer came in who only spoke Spanish. I speak Spanish rather well so I helped the customer. She ended up buying $2300 worth of stuff. I got written up because not speaking English apparently "has the potential be offensive to other customers if they are not able to understand you". FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

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By Anonymous - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

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By Tights2Tight - United States

Today, I was at the local theatre watching "The Nutcracker" ballet with my mother. When the prince made his appearance in his tights my mother leans over to me and says, "Those are some well defined butt cheeks!" loud enough for everyone around us to hear. FML

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

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By jalapenos99 - United States

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

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By underachiever - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

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By MBrabs1996

Today, despite the schedule saying I was off, I found out I’m supposed to be working because my boss changed the schedule without my knowledge. FML

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By elizio - United States - Trenton

Today, I went to a high school reunion. An old friend I hadn't seen in a while suddenly came up to me and gasped, "Oh, thank God!" I was about to greet her and catch up when she added, "I'm not the only one who gained weight!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hatfield

Today, away at college, I called my grandmother to hear how she was doing after her knee surgery. She ended up talking about Hooters and how I should work there because of my "rare body". When I mentioned I've been studying computer science, earning a 3.8 GPA, she replied, "But you're a girl." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

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By Iabnysmwytm - 29/7/2020 14:01

Yeah, that's the same

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some doofus tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 17:01

What a tool

Today, my husband told me he didn't want me to get power tools to build things, because he thinks a miter saw and a sanding orbiter are more dangerous than guns. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML

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By Xanadu - United States

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work at a new job, my brother comes and takes my car. Along with all my money, my phone, and whatever else I had in my purse. His message to me through one of my co-workers was "walk home." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while we were in a hotel, I got so drunk I apparently couldn't find my room, and passed out in the corridor. I woke up to see hotel staff calling security. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I reduced my psychologist to tears. FML

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By lotrgeek - Canada

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

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By Burning Love - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the speakers on my laptop weren't working. I worried I'd broken something, and started freaking out. I restarted my computer numerous times and played with the settings for an hour before calling my sister in to help. She looked at it for two seconds, then unplugged my headphones. FML

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Top comments

By jewban | 3

#2041054 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:19

jamonaaaaa!!!!! HEeHEe

By SirSantpoort | 0

#2041055 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:20

Its your husband.. Who cares if he makes a joke like that.. As long as he doesnt do it all the time :)

COMMENTS

By calenzelon | 6

#2041027 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:14

girst

Reply

SirSantpoort | 0

#2041040 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:17

You fail so badly.. Girst? Really? Get a life.

By x_Cupcakes | 0

#2041045 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:18

lol!

Reply

Rakistazz | 0

#2041122 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:38

lol?

Reply

tr0llz0r | 0

#2041136 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:44

Cool story, bro.

Reply

gooBUZZ | 0

#2041180 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:02

Cool story, bro.

Reply

bwhahaha_fml | 10

#2041246 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:23

Cool story, bro.

Reply

instnt1nfction | 17

#2041275 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:29

cool story, bro

Reply

Zesty697 | 0

#2041289 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:34

cool story bro

Reply

Alexxcunningham | 0

#2041305 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:41

cool story, you just got trolled

By apcfan009 | 0

#2041047 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:18

you're doing something right :) or maybe he sees you as a lil boyish?

Reply

barberton21 | 0

#2041269 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:29

haha I get it.

Reply

newnew8 | 0

#2041355 - Thursday 3 February 2011 14:03

i don't get why people complain about that. he's trying to make the sex funny, add some comedy. funny sex is amazing. so chill out and enjoy it!

Reply

felipe87 | 2

#2041380 - Thursday 3 February 2011 14:18

could have done something funny though, not gay

Reply

carnage1106 | 0

#2041426 - Thursday 3 February 2011 14:40

47 WIN

Reply

iSitt | 0

#2041496 - Thursday 3 February 2011 15:27

Did he then ask you to turn around so he could moonwalk ?

Reply

KorosuKazoku | 0

#2041505 - Thursday 3 February 2011 15:37

53, I think you replied to the wrong post.

Reply

Withired_Away | 0

#2043015 - Friday 4 February 2011 5:26

I wonder if it's the taxi driver that sings like him :O

Reply

misspipedream | 0

#2251207 - Sunday 27 March 2011 22:39

HAHAHAHAHA YOU'RE HILARIOUS!
No, but seriously, shut up. It's been done and it's untrue. Have some respect.

By rephunt007 | 0

#2041048 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:19

FIRST*

By marinus_fml | 19

#2041050 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:19

YDI.

Reply

DenisV95 | 2

#2041077 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:25

How? ^

Reply

DDPT2 | 4

#2041365 - Thursday 3 February 2011 14:06

OP tell him he can BEAT IT next time.

Reply

joshua22 | 3

#2041462 - Thursday 3 February 2011 14:58

^^win!

Reply

qcumberlovar | 2

#2041732 - Thursday 3 February 2011 18:40

I agree with #12. RIP. MJ! <3

Reply

theten_fml | 9

#2043264 - Friday 4 February 2011 8:11

that's not disrespecting the dead...

Reply

J15237 | 23

#7911857 - Sunday 7 June 2020 0:51

hell ya. she should break out in song

By jewban | 3

#2041054 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:19

jamonaaaaa!!!!! HEeHEe

Reply

tktom7 | 6

#2042311 - Friday 4 February 2011 0:09

^^win

By SirSantpoort | 0

#2041055 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:20

Its your husband.. Who cares if he makes a joke like that.. As long as he doesnt do it all the time :)

By barberton21 | 0

#2041059 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:20

that's not good. aren't guys supposed to ejaculate?

Reply

CreateZ | 0

#2041067 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:22

No. We shit out of our penises.

Reply

barberton21 | 0

#2041089 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:28

okay so I'm not alone on that one? good I thought it was just me.

Reply

pimpedout900 | 0

#2041125 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:42

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you're so funny I can't stop laughing no but seriously shut the hell up

Reply

barberton21 | 0

#2041130 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:43

my bad bro. by the way nice picture.

Reply

tr0llz0r | 0

#2041140 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:46

Pimped out 900 times? Oh, you silly hoe. At least it isn't 9001.

Reply

DVecc | 0

#2041200 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:06

you mean over 9000? :)

Reply

barberton21 | 0

#2041238 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:19

Do YOU mean ITS OVER 9000!

Reply

football2014 | 3

#2042829 - Friday 4 February 2011 3:58

hahahahahahahahahahahaha funniest thing ever ROFL

Reply

poopedinAZ | 0

#2054142 - Monday 7 February 2011 7:35

AGREED! :P

By anabuddy123 | 10

#2041106 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:34

LMAO

By tr0llz0r | 0

#2041128 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:43

Really, you should be praising your husband for his creativity. It's not often one finds a lover who will willingly channel the spirit of a dead child molester during intercourse. In closing, I'd just like to say: HEE HEE.

Reply

barberton21 | 0

#2041260 - Thursday 3 February 2011 13:27

Okay I wanna say that you both got it wrong he said "EEE HEE".

Reply

Crlnprz | 11

#2041726 - Thursday 3 February 2011 18:32

soo im not the only one...when i read this i sed since when does my michael jackson fukn say woohoo?