Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

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Dangling modifier

Our house, in the middle of our street

Night terrors

By GiWi - Ireland

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

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By oxjessiiox - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 21:02 - United States - Kirkland

Just a prank, bro!

Today my brother disconnected my internet and made my task bar disappear. I spent 2 hours trying to fix it, when I figured out I just had to restart the computer. Now I'm a little behind on assignments. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to get blood drawn. Apparently, my veins are too thin and no blood would flow into the tube. I'm afraid of needles, and was just poked with some unsuccessfully, and I have to go back next week to try again. FML

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By fuck you dad - Ireland - Carrickmacross

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

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By Lost - United States

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

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By testesential - United States

Today, I took my last final on a Scantron sheet with 200 multiple choice questions, with seconds to spare. When I finished the last question, I saw I had another bubble to fill in and I didn't know where I screwed up. FML

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By King7 - Pakistan

Today, I got on a treadmill for the first time. I was running at a very high speed. I needed a break but didn't know how to get off. I decided to just let the machine take me to the edge so I could get off. I was thrown off the treadmill and landed with my happy sacks crashing into a dumbbell. FML

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By brawl y’all - 31/10/2020 09:04 - United States

Some winners…

Today, what started as a family gathering turned into an all-out brawl. I saw my son’s wife punch him, so I hit her. Her mom and sister jumped me. My husband was pulling them off when the other husband thought he was attacking them and jumped in, so my son jumped in as well. We won, at least. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

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By SeagullsShouldDie - United States

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

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By Disappointed - United States - Angleton

Today, the girl I've secretly loved for years finally noticed me. That is, after I ran over her foot with my truck. FML

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By fatty fatfuck

You can't win

Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I noticed a young child wandering out onto a busy street. I managed to grab his arm just as he stepped off the sidewalk and yank him away from almost certain death. My reward was his mother, who was on her cell phone the whole time, screaming at me for touching her child. FML

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By Kyley - United States

Today, I was broken up with via a cereal analogy. Apparently, I'm a Cheerio and all he wants is a Froot Loop. FML

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By Hopelesshomeless - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

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By mydadsawsooomuch - United States

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, my 12-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter sprayed themselves with a ton of deodorant and perfume respectively. The two clouds of spray have combined into a noxious gas that slowly traveled through the house, giving everybody an instant, massive headache. Everybody, except my son and daughter. They think they smell great. FML

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By unknown - France

Today, I went on my fifth date with my new girlfriend. Apparently, she was in such a rush while leaving work that she forgot to take off her wedding ring. FML

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By helpme - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

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By amy

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

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By names suck and so do I - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

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By Embarrassed - Germany

Today, while having dinner with my boyfriend's family, his mom told me that it looks like I've gained quite some weight. When my boyfriend told her that this was a rude thing to say, she said it wasn't rude, just the truth. FML

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By why they bomb - Canada - Campbell River

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

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By mothers - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

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By CanadianTwin - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I was walking in Walmart with my dad. We walked past the deodorant aisle. My dad said, "Need any deodorant?" I said, "No thanks." He replied, "That was a hint." FML

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By Carrie G. - United States - Holland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 11:01

If it quacks like a duck, it's a quack

Today, we got the news that my dad will be dying of Covid. My mom, former nurse, still insist it's a hoax and that the holistic route will cure him. FML

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By whoanoa - United States

Today, I discovered that my mother uses my eyebrow tweezers to pull ticks off the dog. She also hasn't figured out that just dipping the tweezers in alcohol doesn't automatically sterilize them. Especially if there is icky dog hair still stuck on. FML

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By Ana

Today, while fighting with a girl I hate, my nose piercing got a little loose and I ended up snorting it in. That same girl had to take me to the hospital for surgery. She told everyone afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

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By Lonely - Australia

Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

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By mymomplucksbutthair - United States

Today, my mom confessed to me that she used to pluck my step-dad's butt hair. I hope the brain-gods delete this obnoxious mental picture. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

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Top comments

By DBkkk | 0

#739224 - Sunday 27 December 2009 19:30

Tonights family disscussion must be interesting

By perdix | 29

#740716 - Monday 28 December 2009 15:07

(At the dinner table) Dad: What did you do today, honey?
Mom: Umm. . .
You: (coughs) The most urgent question is "Who?"
(Mom's face turns as beet red as her vulva was a few hours earlier.)

THE END

COMMENTS

By DBkkk | 0

#739224 - Sunday 27 December 2009 19:30

Tonights family disscussion must be interesting

Reply

frosting1012 | 0

#980938 - Saturday 17 April 2010 14:49

sexy

Reply

passionpitpanda | 5

#1459007 - Sunday 26 September 2010 6:57

fyl :(

Reply

Herropreez17 | 0

#2691651 - Thursday 16 June 2011 3:42

Then he technically didn't see his mom and dad.

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#4192131 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 21:10

Sure he did. It just isn't that guy his mom is married to.

Reply

PimpcessA | 0

#4241489 - Saturday 31 March 2012 17:03

Kik meh: AlexaLovee lol anyways yeah that sucks

By SweetestSin | 4

#739227 - Sunday 27 December 2009 19:30

ummm FY dad's L

Reply

22cute | 17

#4462191 - Monday 21 May 2012 9:02

F Op's life too. Have you never had parents you love? Have you never been a kid?

By b3com3th3mask | 0

#739230 - Sunday 27 December 2009 19:30

o god.....not again

Reply

Whatapuffchild | 23

#5972971 - Thursday 12 June 2014 8:11

looks like someone has a new daddy!

By durrrr | 1

#739241 - Sunday 27 December 2009 19:34

you make it sound like you were wanting to walk in on your mom and dad but was disappointed when you saw it wasn't your dad. sometimes the "build up" doesn't work on these fml's.

Reply

fizzysmilesalot | 0

#1941040 - Saturday 8 January 2011 3:15

true dat

By ccathleen_ | 0

#739248 - Sunday 27 December 2009 19:38

Your fault for walking in on them. Obviously.

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#989630 - Sunday 9 May 2010 5:23

I don't think thy was the fml

By snafu57 | 1

#739257 - Sunday 27 December 2009 19:41

shit. double awkward. just wait until your father gets home.

By Soulathyia | 0

#739273 - Sunday 27 December 2009 19:47

This is called copy and paste.

By TheLoneWolf87 | 4

#739410 - Sunday 27 December 2009 21:19

Nice Originality!!! (sarcasm)

By fobchick | 0

#739463 - Sunday 27 December 2009 21:56

Tell your dad.

By Digithead | 0

#739508 - Sunday 27 December 2009 22:27

are you sure he isn't your dad?

Reply

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5952438 - Wednesday 21 May 2014 19:24

My thoughts exactly lol