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The all-time greatest FMLs

By EMTGirl'sLife - 10/02/2015 03:15 - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 592

You deserved it 2 829

Thanks, I hate it

By kkkk - 31/01/2011 15:44

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again, saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 591

You deserved it 2 982

No empathy

By stoprubbingitinmyface - 21/03/2015 21:59 - United States - Tacoma

Spicy

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry, and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying, "My body, my rules." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 591

You deserved it 4 785

By JustADream - 24/02/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 589

You deserved it 9 479

Nutso

By space_cadet90818 - 08/03/2010 00:16 - United States

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict, and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 589

You deserved it 2 933

Creeped out

By hotandbothered - 03/02/2010 06:24 - United States

Today, I was developing film at Walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking my sweatshirt off. A creepy old man approached me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 587

You deserved it 4 343

Take it down!

By Mary C. - 23/03/2015 01:58 - United States - Mendota

Today, while my in-laws were visiting, my two-year old accidentally pushed the door wide open while I was sitting on the toilet. My mother-in-law laughed, took out her cell phone, snapped a picture of me, and posted it on Facebook for everyone in our family to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 586

You deserved it 3 570

By innocentbarista - 17/03/2013 19:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while serving two middle-aged women at the coffee shop, I was screamed at and accused of being a "sexist and chauvinistic bastard." This was prompted by me charging one of them 40 cents for the addition of steamed milk, which is clearly stated on the price sheet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 585

You deserved it 2 587

Nice try, Mom

By Agirl - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 584

You deserved it 2 914

By LadyChristina25 - 05/06/2009 01:07 - United States

Today, I witnessed a horrible car accident and was interviewed by the local news. During the interview I said, "It was terrible. It was like watching a silent movie... but there was sound!" The interview has been aired 6 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 582

You deserved it 81 777

The best day of your life

By How's the salmon? - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted at me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 581

You deserved it 3 167

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 23:31 - Canada

Today, I got a birthday card from my parents. It was my sister's from earlier in the year. They scratched out her name and wrote mine underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 579

You deserved it 2 633

By Ecce - 10/07/2010 12:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 578

You deserved it 3 214

Enjoy!

By sad and hungry - 06/06/2015 14:37 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I'm getting over a nasty breakup, and decided to treat myself and order a pizza online. After waiting 45 minutes, I checked the site. Turns out, I'd forgotten to change the address on the site. I sent my ex a free pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 576

You deserved it 6 595

By Anonymous - 11/05/2012 00:28 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises behind the front door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights… as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 574

You deserved it 2 326

By deadandwasted - 20/02/2010 08:20 - United States

Today, I halted a cab. It was 12 degrees and snowing outside. When I went to get in, a man shoved me away and I slipped on ice into dirty snow slush, and he stole my cab. As it drove off, the man flipped me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 573

You deserved it 2 458

By chelsea - 07/03/2011 22:23

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 572

You deserved it 13 919

By whoawhat - 11/11/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 571

You deserved it 4 035

By Anonymous - 05/08/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 570

You deserved it 4 556

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 00:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided to check my email on our family computer. Since my dad's account was already logged on, I chose to use his instead of logging on my own. When opening up a new page and seeing his recently viewed sites, I learned that he loves to watch porn. I also learned he has a foot fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 570

You deserved it 19 452

By S. Bauer - 02/11/2011 13:50 - Portugal

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 570

You deserved it 14 923

By YeahItsmecoolhuh - 17/02/2011 06:50 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I found a horde of ants in one of my socks when I put it on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 568

You deserved it 4 994

By Anonymous - 04/06/2015 12:26 - United States - San Bruno

Spicy

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 568

You deserved it 4 451

By Bitchjackedmyball - 12/09/2012 08:52 - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine!" I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car, and they drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 567

You deserved it 5 564

Thanks for the memories

By savanna - 03/05/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. Thirty minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 566

You deserved it 4 638

Busted

By blububble412 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 566

You deserved it 2 535

By Eli - 20/09/2011 00:21 - Canada

Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 565

You deserved it 3 257

By blondie107 - 07/05/2013 00:52 - United States - Richardson

Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 562

You deserved it 44 230

blondie107 tells us more.

blondie107 20

Monday 1 July 2013 22:40

Today was my first success! ... Sort of. Anyone else have parents like this? I finally managed to lie undetected but.. Well.. Like I said, sort of a success.

By WTF - 22/08/2012 22:22 - Canada - Ottawa

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend confided to me that he has a used condom collection. When I reacted with disgust, he "reassured" me that he only keeps the ones he uses with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 562

You deserved it 3 013

By Anonymous - 08/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I was walking through the store when I saw a little boy point to me and say something to his mom. I was out of earshot at the time, but I got close enough just in time to hear the mom reply, "God says we have to love everyone, even if they're ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 561

You deserved it 2 757

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The Top

The Top

Today, thanks to puberty, I have an acne rash around my mouth. Rumors are already flying around school saying I have herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 712

You deserved it 948

Today, my best friend of 18 years decided to end our friendship in order to continue sleeping with her brother-in-law, who is also my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 115

Today, the guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months and started falling for told me his ex-girlfriend is pregnant with his child. I’m so bummed because kids and baby mamas are my number one deal-breaker. I really liked him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 189

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 568

You deserved it 29 954

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 617

You deserved it 39 753

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 2 385