Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend...

By Anonymous - 9/2/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

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Love

Everyone's an expert

Sewer monster

This ain't working out

By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 23:00

Bad news

Today, I was hanging out with my friends and my sister, we were all wasted and I was making jokes. My sister then gets a phone call, I leave the room to get a drink and I hear everyone go a bit silent I come back in and all of the sudden everyone looks at me. My friend says, "Um… I'm so sorry, your mom passed." FML

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By ltwlty - 20/9/2016 07:07 - China - Beijing

Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 22:59 - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

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By buddy - 26/1/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

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By iliketurtles - 24/2/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

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By mariology - 11/12/2013 12:33 - United States - Newark

Today, I found a credit card at my job. As store policy goes, we have to cut up lost cards immediately after finding them to protect the cardholders. As I grab the scissors and cut, my manager calls out, "Has anyone seen my credit card?" FML

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By Cookie_monster - 8/3/2017 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, getting ready to go out, I turned on my straightener. After 5 minutes, I start straightening one big strand when I realize I'm smelting plastic into my hair. Turns out I'd left it on a plastic box. Of course, plastic never comes out, so I had to cut it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2015 14:14 - United States - Athens

Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

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By great 1st impression - 25/5/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

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By anon. - 17/11/2015 18:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, while working at the bar, I accidentally spilled a beer on my chest. Several drunk men whistled and seemed to enjoy what they saw so much that they bought even more drinks and started coming onto me. My boss asked if I could do it again on my next shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 03:10 - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

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By ...thanks - 7/9/2013 14:17 - United States

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

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By LTJFP - 26/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at ATandT getting my phone fixed. At one point, the salesman said 'you should see this'. It was a text message from some girl apologizing for sleeping with my boyfriend for the past four months, and telling me that they were moving him out of our apartment. FML

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By thatsjustgreat - 25/1/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 08:13 - United States

Today, I was walking dogs for the animal hospital I work for. I accidentally dropped the leash, and in my haste to retrieve it, I frantically grabbed the ground. I got the leash, and a handful of fresh dog poo emitted from the dog I was walking. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 20:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

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By Doc - 18/8/2018 13:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

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By itswhateverr - 3/5/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

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By brizzle - 5/4/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my parents came home after being out of town for the weekend. I stayed home, did homework and completely cleaned the house, thinking I could earn some brownie points with them. They saw how clean the house was and accused me of covering up a party. FML

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By teeth - 30/1/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I meant to forward an email to my friend mocking a coworker's email, but I hit "reply" instead of "forward". FML

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By sunboy52 - 5/5/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

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By TRAMATIZED - 8/9/2009 22:08 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 05:19 - United States

Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

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By Infected - 20/2/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2014 23:16 - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of pee all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML

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By gir - 14/7/2011 19:35 - United States

Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

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By struckbystarzz - 27/3/2015 13:12 - United States - Taunton

Today, my stomach started to hurt. When I got home, my parents had company over, which I had to rush past to use the bathroom. After being in the bathroom for about 3 minutes, my mother yells to me from the other room, in front of the guests, "Are you OK in there?" I'm 27. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 18:02 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

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By freakofnature - 31/3/2012 16:17 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I visited my new doctor, hoping that he would be able to figure out the cause of the pains I've been having for years. He told me there's nothing he can do, that half the drugs out there cause cancer anyway and that I should look into homeopathy. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

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By Noname - 23/1/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML

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By Spockx - 6/8/2012 11:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend told me she was over her addiction and wished to quit cold turkey. I cancelled all my plans to stay home and support her. She didn't mean her tobacco addiction, no no. Her corn chip addiction. FML

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By LexiBoBexi - 12/7/2010 05:38 - United States

Today, my family and I went to the coast. Our dog was off the leash because we were the only people around. He was delighted to find a dead seal carcass and roll around in its remains. We then had a 3 hour drive home. FML

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By JubileeBee - 28/9/2011 10:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 23:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

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By Benjamin - 25/1/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, a coworker thought it would be funny to put a tack on my chair. When I sat down, it went directly into my butt. When I sprang up, I hit my head on a lamp. I then hit my head on my desk on the way down. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 08:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

Today, I was asked for ID to purchase decorative scissors. I was buying them to make my wedding decorations. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 12:05 - Reserved

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

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Top comments

By lsfry | 0

#837436 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:07

Sounds like he just needed any excuse to dump you.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#837477 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:13

Did she win him over with a cheat code?

COMMENTS

By lsfry | 0

#837436 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:07

Sounds like he just needed any excuse to dump you.

advent2060 | 4

#837459 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:10

yea that's probably true b/c who in their right mind would actually chose a videogame gf over a real one? maybe u were a shitty gf or he's gay LOL

UKfan97 | 0

#837946 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 13:48

i agree with tht guy^^^

NamelessNeko | 13

#838603 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 18:36

@5:
http://www.afterdawn.com/news/archive/20572.cfm
First thing that came to mind when I read that.

Zigma_fml | 0

#839218 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 23:31

Maybe it was an actual girl? You can play GTA4 online with real people. That would make it slightly less weird.

mydiclovesu2 | 0

#839638 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 2:11

or she's an ugly hoe

snagglepaste | 0

#1095439 - Thursday 15 July 2010 23:00

You think she's a gardening tool? ^^ ?

By deanftw | 0

#837441 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:07

well, hes obviously a complete faggot

BeeSkwaird | 0

#838337 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 16:51

Sometimes I tire of pleasing seven women at once. But then they give me a massage and I'm good to go again.

silentfog | 0

#838515 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:56

Not only would no one pick a video game, but pleasing the girl in gta takes no effort

tc710 | 0

#838659 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 19:10

#90 FTW :D

theatergirrl | 5

#4653458 - Thursday 5 July 2012 16:24

I'm sorry

By danielle8D | 0

#837450 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:08

too bad so sad...

By RaggedSquirrel | 0

#837468 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:11

You are apparently not as useful to him as his gta gf.

garrettjordan | 0

#837528 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:26

haha what an idiot

irsmeagol | 0

#838415 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:19

lol.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#837477 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:13

Did she win him over with a cheat code?

Wogg_fml | 0

#837697 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 11:10

bahahaha nice

By saltz | 0

#837483 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:14

I don't believe you

By kaydee085 | 0

#837485 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:14

sounds like a loser anyway. I'm sure u can do much better! :)

By Kee_1992 | 0

#837487 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:14

wow. thats weird

By CookiesNOJ | 0

#837488 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:15

maybe u should take note? get tattoos n help him bust drive bys sheesh dont be so difficult he might come around in no time

By DogmaT_fml | 4

#837508 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:20

grand theft biches...