Love: Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

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Love

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The smell detective is on the case

Dad of the year

By Lovenotes - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 11:00 - United States - Arlington

Are you sure?

Today, I sent a picture of my two little nephews to my friends, who now keep telling me how my older nephew looks exactly like me. They’re starting to make awkward statements such as, “Are you sure you didn’t have sex with your sister in-law?” FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

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18557

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By kya - 29/1/2021 03:31

Low effort

Today, my mother, who works in retail, wears her mask around my dad and my siblings, but deliberately takes it off around me. I always knew she hated me. FML

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By Fridaythe12th - United States

Today, I was so excited to finally use my $45 gift card to a hair salon. I walk up to the doors to find them locked and to look inside to see that the salon was not only closed but out of business. FML

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By stop thief - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got a really bad sunburn on my face while at the lake. Not to worry, though; my friends made me feel better by saying, "It takes the attention away from your acne." FML

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By Dear God Why

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

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By Erica - United States - Mountain View

Today, my boyfriend and I were out cliff jumping, when for the first time, he told me he loved me. I panicked and pushed him over the edge and into the water. He's now in hospital. FML

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By jlmbull - United States - Lansing

Today, I had to wait thirty minutes after closing to check out a lady who was purchasing 20 different styles of curtains. I asked what she would be doing with them all, and she replied that she would be bringing 19 of them back tomorrow, as she didn't know which would match. FML

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28003

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By that1guy - United States

Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been seeing online for some time now. She replied, saying "Thats not funny. Some people actually look like that." I sent my real picture, and thought I actually looked pretty good in it. FML

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By Hooker - United States

Today, I was on a girls' trip in Las Vegas. I met a cute guy at a bar and we were going back to his hotel room together. On the way up, he asked me how much it would cost. FML

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48930

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By NVflood17

Today, there's lethal flooding in the Reno area, with all roads to my work closed and flooded. My boss still expects me to drive through it, in the dark, to work at 6am. FML

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By NotBeingPaidEnough - United Kingdom - London

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat and threw up on my checkout. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

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By 8to10days - United Kingdom

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

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By ZeldaovaPeach - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

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By UnhappilyUnemployed - United States - Madison

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML

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By tara22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

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By wtf mom?!

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

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By 303 - United States - Houston

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

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By somnolence - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

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By canwesayfail - United States - Gloucester

Today, the only part of my Psychology final that I was 100% confident in was my name. FML

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By Ashleigh - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

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By icareaboutmyhair - Estonia

Today, I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

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By Anonymous

Mommy's boy

Today, I found out that in the past, my mother has paid or outright threatened my girlfriends into breaking up with me, because they were, "unsuitable trash not fit to be the mothers of my future grand babies." This explains why I’m 47 and have never married or had children. FML

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By blinkanimgone - Australia

Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 05:32 - India - Mumbai

Haircut, haircuuuut

Today, I came to the decision that I needed some variety in my life, so I decided to get a haircut. My mom insisted that she could do it and that she had experience because she cuts my dad's short hair. I had thick, long hair. Now, my hair is uneven, ugly and short. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 00:02 - Greece - Thessaloniki

On the beat

Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML

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By Disgusted - United States

Today, I learned that my house's fly infestation is worse than I thought. I now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling. I have to sleep under them. FML

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By nilssonfan - United States

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

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27721

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Reasonable dude

Today, my fiancé told me that he expects me to agree to quit my job to cook and clean after we get married, or he will not show up at our wedding. He earns minimum wage and my salary is 17 times higher than his. FML

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2757

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By Kyle - United States - Seattle

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous

All true, obviously

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law thinks that Trump is the "best man to walk the earth since Jesus," and that he's "fighting the deep state who's in control of the fake news." She tried to indoctrinate me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01 - United States - Orlando

Covidiots

Today, I found out my roommate was exposed to COVID back on New Year's. She tested positive on the 4th and was scared too tell me because she, "didn't want me to see her as irresponsible." Now I can't work for 2 weeks and need to find a place to stay because my roommate still doesn't think it's "that serious." FML

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Top comments

By lsfry | 0

#837436 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:07

Sounds like he just needed any excuse to dump you.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#837477 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:13

Did she win him over with a cheat code?

COMMENTS

By lsfry | 0

#837436 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:07

Sounds like he just needed any excuse to dump you.

advent2060 | 4

#837459 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:10

yea that's probably true b/c who in their right mind would actually chose a videogame gf over a real one? maybe u were a shitty gf or he's gay LOL

UKfan97 | 0

#837946 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 13:48

i agree with tht guy^^^

NamelessNeko | 13

#838603 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 18:36

@5:
http://www.afterdawn.com/news/archive/20572.cfm
First thing that came to mind when I read that.

Zigma_fml | 0

#839218 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 23:31

Maybe it was an actual girl? You can play GTA4 online with real people. That would make it slightly less weird.

mydiclovesu2 | 0

#839638 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 2:11

or she's an ugly hoe

snagglepaste | 0

#1095439 - Thursday 15 July 2010 23:00

You think she's a gardening tool? ^^ ?

By deanftw | 0

#837441 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:07

well, hes obviously a complete faggot

BeeSkwaird | 0

#838337 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 16:51

Sometimes I tire of pleasing seven women at once. But then they give me a massage and I'm good to go again.

silentfog | 0

#838515 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:56

Not only would no one pick a video game, but pleasing the girl in gta takes no effort

tc710 | 0

#838659 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 19:10

#90 FTW :D

theatergirrl | 5

#4653458 - Thursday 5 July 2012 16:24

I'm sorry

By danielle8D | 0

#837450 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:08

too bad so sad...

By RaggedSquirrel | 0

#837468 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:11

You are apparently not as useful to him as his gta gf.

garrettjordan | 0

#837528 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:26

haha what an idiot

irsmeagol | 0

#838415 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:19

lol.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#837477 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:13

Did she win him over with a cheat code?

Wogg_fml | 0

#837697 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 11:10

bahahaha nice

By saltz | 0

#837483 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:14

I don't believe you

By kaydee085 | 0

#837485 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:14

sounds like a loser anyway. I'm sure u can do much better! :)

By Kee_1992 | 0

#837487 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:14

wow. thats weird

By CookiesNOJ | 0

#837488 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:15

maybe u should take note? get tattoos n help him bust drive bys sheesh dont be so difficult he might come around in no time

By DogmaT_fml | 4

#837508 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:20

grand theft biches...