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It sucks, but it was an accident, I didn't slam on brakes or anything but it was at the bottom of a little hill, and the van she was driving was much heavier and harder to stop than the mustang she is used to that will stop on a dime.

By shorty - 13/02/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said "Yeah, horizontally." FML

agreeclassic 34 782

vote type 1 6 977

It's not karaoke night, mom

By RadioactiveKush - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Monroe

Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream, "YEAH", "WOO HOO", and, "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing 'Amazing Grace' in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

agreeclassic 34 781

vote type 1 2 597

By Anonymous - 04/03/2015 18:20 - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

agreeclassic 34 780

vote type 1 3 060

Book him!

By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 13:42 - Reserved

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

agreeclassic 34 778

vote type 1 3 518

Stop talking, stop talking now

By Username - 17/07/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

agreeclassic 34 778

vote type 1 4 867

By Anonymous - 07/06/2015 07:54 - United States - Wheatland

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

agreeclassic 34 777

vote type 1 4 421

By Joey - 24/07/2012 05:04 - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

agreeclassic 34 776

vote type 1 8 363

Broke

By Anonymous - 23/01/2012 14:19 - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

agreeclassic 34 775

vote type 1 3 226

By Cereal_mistress - 07/10/2013 18:54 - United States - Sonoma

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML

agreeclassic 34 775

vote type 1 96 150

By bw9669 - 28/01/2010 19:35 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

agreeclassic 34 775

vote type 1 5 120

By Karl - 21/02/2011 11:43

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 34 772

vote type 1 5 981

Crossed wires

By hudd357mag - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

agreeclassic 34 772

vote type 1 2 532

By holycow - 22/02/2010 09:28 - United States

Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML

agreeclassic 34 772

vote type 1 2 624

Cool prank bro

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 11:02 - United States

Today, I have been getting calls from a weird kid from my school asking for nudes. I asked how he got my number, then found out that my friends put my number on a pole at school that says, "Call Wendy for a good time, she has nice tits." FML

agreeclassic 34 771

vote type 1 3 569

By Madi - 30/11/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

agreeclassic 34 770

vote type 1 3 633

By unsuspectingmom - 22/01/2015 11:32 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I made a joke that my boyfriend was going to end up sending me into premature labor. Later, I went into labor for real. My boyfriend thought I was faking and refused to take me to the hospital. FML

agreeclassic 34 770

vote type 1 8 356

unsuspectingmom app_comment_confession_title

unsuspectingmom 5

Friday 23 January 2015 5:10

Baby was 3 weeks before term, but is doing fine. Sophia Grace, 7 lbs 2 oz

Demon child

By thatoneguy - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a five year-old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

agreeclassic 34 769

vote type 1 3 529

Panic! In the Bathroom

By MAWZ - 19/07/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell, and hit my head on the faucet. FML

agreeclassic 34 767

vote type 1 5 166

Thunderstruck

By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

agreeclassic 34 766

vote type 1 6 673

By momoffour - 05/12/2010 09:30 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML

agreeclassic 34 766

vote type 1 3 298

Red flag

By me. - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So, are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

agreeclassic 34 763

vote type 1 7 465

By Average - 13/02/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

agreeclassic 34 762

vote type 1 3 892

By James - 18/12/2012 02:28 - United States

Today, my neighbor installed a large radio that loudly plays Christmas music 24/7. When I called in a complaint to the police department they told me to, "get in the Christmas spirit." FML

agreeclassic 34 761

vote type 1 11 222

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Keywords

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Today, at work as a meter maid, I had a man scream at me. He had a handicapped license plate on his 3-wheel motorcycle and said he could "park in any handicapped spot and not have to pay the meter". He wouldn't believe he was wrong, even after the police chief backed me up. FML

agreeclassic 3 444

vote type 1 255

Today, I found out my best friend works at my husband’s job. He calls her his “work wife.” I had no idea they worked together, nor the fact that he calls her that. I used her phone to call my husband and she has him as “Work Hubby” with a heart emoji. The worst part? They insist nothing is going on between them. FML

agreeclassic 590

vote type 1 161

Today, my mother yelled at me, telling me I'm irresponsible and lecturing me on how I need to "plan ahead like an adult." All because I asked to borrow a tampon. FML

agreeclassic 29 951

vote type 1 3 018

Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

agreeclassic 30 190

vote type 1 3 057

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

agreeclassic 33 757

vote type 1 3 961

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

agreeclassic 39 547

vote type 1 3 947