Health: Today, I made a joke that my boyfriend was going to end up sending...

By unsuspectingmom - United States - Dearborn

Today, I made a joke that my boyfriend was going to end up sending me into premature labor. Later, I went into labor for real. My boyfriend thought I was faking and refused to take me to the hospital. FML

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unsuspectingmom tells us more :

Baby was 3 weeks before term, but is doing fine. Sophia Grace, 7 lbs 2 oz

Health

Breaking Badly

Mr Sensitivity

My body, my choice

By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By Kathleen - 4/12/2020 08:08

Beggars can't be choosers

Today, the weird guy with the 'Elvis in Las Vegas' haircut-and-sunglasses combo who cleans tables at my work tried to hit on me. This is the most interest any man has given me in a year. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I saw my ex boyfriend walking down the street in my direction. I've put on a bunch of weight since we broke up, so I turned to look in the nearest shop window, hoping he wouldn't notice. Unfortunately he did see me, looking straight at a KFC. FML

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By Anonymous

Creep

Today, I found out that the guy I've been anonymously sexting with through an adult website is the seriously creepy stalker-ish front desk worker from our office building, who also happens to be the building owner's son. Shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By Anonomous - United States - Plainfield

Naughty boy

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

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By bystander - United States

Today, we had our friends over for dinner, one of whom is a psychiatrist. After a few drinks, my drunk wife and the equally drunk psychiatrist began to analyze my various character flaws. FML

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By sadface - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

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By walkingisfun

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realized that I hadn't shaved in so long that when the wind blew, the hairs on my legs moved in the breeze. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bromsgrove

Today, I spent hours putting together a beautifully intricate jigsaw to give to my grandmother, who likes to frame them and hang them on her wall. Just as I was about to finish it, I discovered my dog chewing the last piece. FML

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By onepussytwopussy - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

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By lilben - United States

Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML

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By Nowajerk - Australia

Today, I just finished nearly a year of muscle-building in order to impress my crush. Turns out she doesn't date fit guys, because "they're all jerks". FML

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By PublicToiletEspionage - United Kingdom

Today, I was desperate for a pee so I used some public toilets which were full of obviously underage girls drinking. I didn't think anything of it until halfway through my business when I looked up to see two of them leaning over the top of the stall taking pictures with a mobile phone. FML

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By fmlman - United States - Rawlins

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

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By thedogwalker - 9/8/2020 08:02

Mistaken identity

Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

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By sippinsoup22 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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By lala7 - United States

Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's back foot then she always obeys. I later found my mom tugging on the dog's foot whispering "jump off a cliff" repeatedly. FML

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By Emily - Australia

Today, after spending a great evening with the guy I really like, he dropped me off outside my house. When he pulled into my driveway, his lights shone onto my drunken mum taking the garbage out in nothing but her black panties. FML

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By soannoyed - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

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By me

Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

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By Tucker - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

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By collegegrad - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I read an article about the top 10 worst jobs this year. This list includes my degree and three of my main skills and interests. FML

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By tony456 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

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By hrtbrkn - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By fml9124 - 25/4/2020 20:00

Not now!

Today, the best manager I've ever had told me she was leaving to take a job at another company. I just found out my new manager is a guy that has destroyed three different departments in three years. He's the owner's nephew or something. I do not want to be looking for a new job during the Covid-19 pandemic. FML

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By waitress - United States

Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML

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By fuckedbyretail - United States - Charlotte

Today, at my retail job, a woman came to my till with her purchases. After I scanned all her items, she handed me two small bags. One was filled with nickels and dimes. The other was filled with cents. Her total was $28.53. The coins amounted to $22.30. FML

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By IHateProtesters - United States - Hartford

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

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By hakura madada - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

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By dck128 - United States

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

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By mathii - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

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By andibartle - United States

Hello?

Today, at my new job, I was answering the phone and said "Hello Cafe Thirty, how may I help you?" The man on the other line said "Don't you mean Old Town Cafe?" Cafe Thirty was my old job. I now work at Old Town Cafe. The man on the other line was my boss. FML

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By I warned him - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

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By budda1368 - United States

Romance isn't dead

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML

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By bad dad - 15/3/2020 00:01

We Are Family

Today, I met my paternal grandparents for the first time, since my dad was never in my life and my mom wouldn’t talk about him. According to them, I have at least 28 other siblings from him, and who knows how many that haven’t come forward. No wonder my mom always hated him. FML

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Top comments

By hekinokuroihi | 20

#6180817 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:53

Tell him to let you grab his hand to help you through the pain; and then break his fingers. Then he'll surely drive you to the hospital.

By randomguy76 | 14

#6180826 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:54

The pregnant woman that cried wolf... Very painful story.

COMMENTS

By King_paradox | 22

#6180813 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:52

Congratulations, you had a home delivery

Welshite | 39

#6180834 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:57

I was almost a home delivery.

My father refused to take my laboring mother to the hospital until the newest episode of Miami Vice was over.

TanJew | 10

#6180895 - Friday 23 January 2015 1:46

#7 really? I don't know whether to consider that funny or not. Guess it's a perspective thing.

Welshite | 39

#6180905 - Friday 23 January 2015 1:58

#15: Really. My father laughs about it, but my mother does not. I just count myself lucky I wasn't named after one of the show's characters.

wvcheesehead | 13

#6180921 - Friday 23 January 2015 2:14

I think she would have preferred degiorno.

Regimental_Phan | 18

#6181049 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:19

#20 why am I laughing so hard at you comment?!?!?!?!

By hekinokuroihi | 20

#6180817 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:53

Tell him to let you grab his hand to help you through the pain; and then break his fingers. Then he'll surely drive you to the hospital.

CaitiieBuggs | 23

#6180903 - Friday 23 January 2015 1:56

I knew a guy whose mom actually did break his dad's hand during labor. He was an only child.

By Kibaruto | 33

#6180819 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:53

Is it too late to leave him?

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6180910 - Friday 23 January 2015 2:06

Um i dont think she is planning on leaving him for this

pizzafrommars | 14

#6181039 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:09

You've gotten too many negative votes on so many FMLs. Be proud.

palosqueak | 19

#6181062 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:32

what was it? hits and fails? haven't seen too many hits yet...

By GermyGirl | 13

#6180822 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:54

What an idiot. You'd think he would interpret your screeches of pain?

By randomguy76 | 14

#6180826 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:54

The pregnant woman that cried wolf... Very painful story.

BlindlyWandering | 17

#6180994 - Friday 23 January 2015 4:32

More like cried "baby"

By K_kanaka | 26

#6180827 - Friday 23 January 2015 0:55

One day you will tell your child this story, and you all will have a good laugh. But, not this day. Today your boyfriend will be grilled and sleep on the couch for a while...oh and congratulations.

BunnyStar | 14

#6181249 - Friday 23 January 2015 9:35

No, she should sleep on the couch. That way it's him that gets woken in the middle of the night by a screaming baby, who presumably will be sleeping in their room. :)