Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time...

By hanzastfu - 26/10/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. I started tearing up and telling him that I feel like he never has time for me anymore. He responded with, "I'm hungry." FML

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Love

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By soccerlove09 - 11/10/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I bought a personalized cookie cake with "Will you go out with me?" for the girl I've liked for five months. When I showed her, she said no, but took the cake with her anyway. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 20:34 - Canada

Today, my roommate's boyfriend moved in. I'm in love with him. Now I get to live with the happy couple. FML

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By socianx - 18/8/2013 21:23 - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By BirthdayGirl - 2/3/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

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By ncjarhead - 24/4/2010 23:38 - United States

Today, I discovered the same erotic pictures my wife emailed to me while I was deployed were emailed to several other guys by her. FML

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By no cake for me - 7/11/2012 07:31 - United States - Jackson Heights

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

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By shotdown - 4/11/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2014 17:55 - United States

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

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By ThisGuy97 - 12/8/2011 20:46 - United States

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2014 03:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 04:17 - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I had a mild allergic reaction from eating pasta salad. I told my mom that I might be allergic to the parsley, since it was the only ingredient that I don't eat often. She made me eat a sprig of it to "make sure." Now my face is covered in hives. FML

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By soontobesingle - 19/3/2013 11:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2019 04:30

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

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By Meghan Elise - 2/3/2019 16:00

Today, I found that there were charges of almost 2,000 dollars on my bank account. Some asshole in Florida stole my money. I have bills and that was money I saved to buy myself a new car. FML

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By Sonic - 29/3/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

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By Missa - 4/7/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7 year olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

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By journey_Jeanne - 8/12/2011 02:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

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By stoych - 8/10/2012 07:14 - United Kingdom

Today, after a great first date, he leaned in to kiss me. I held my breath slightly. This resulted in me breathing out through my nose, blowing a huge snot bubble, which then burst on his face. He looked at me in horror and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2014 21:32 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my parents that I am a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That leads on to part two of my confessions... FML

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By Grindyloo - 5/5/2012 10:06

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

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By stupidpolicia - 25/9/2009 08:33 - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By awk1 - 18/6/2013 00:55 - United States - Glennville

Today, I was packing up my stuff about to go home. I shut off my MacBook but was still pretending to work for the last few minutes, typing on the keyboard. A good way through, I realized my co-worker sitting across from me could see that the Apple logo was off. FML

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By sleeplessinrichmond - 15/9/2013 06:02 - United States - Bronx

Today, the guy on the floor above me decided it was time for a tuba jam session. Apparently optimal tuba time is 2am. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 10:14 - United States

Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML

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By videochat - 14/2/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a dump. I took my computer with me to look at Facebook. It took three minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 14:41 - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

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By Wealthyparrot - 10/5/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

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By menerethrr - 5/2/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list. FML

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By danny - 10/10/2018 12:00

Today, while working at a chain restaurant, I forgot to charge someone a few dollars for extra toppings on the side. My stingy boss took the time to take that money out of my paycheck. FML

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By IGOTIT - 5/9/2013 07:24 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

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By tattooed - 30/11/2010 15:50 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

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By B - 18/12/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I got a Christmas present from my boss. It was an ab workout video. FML

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By IfuSeekAmyIdo - 5/4/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I hired a babysitter, so my husband and I could spend some time together and work on our failing marriage. I dressed up. We went out. He got drunk and puked on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

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By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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Top comments

By irishdancer | 0

#640032 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:03

Wow. Your life sucks because your boyfriend would rather eat than hear you cry. Oh no.

By HarrietPotter | 1

#640033 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:05

I sorry. Sometimes my boyfriend has done this, too, although I think he's probably like that not because he doesn't care, but because he's not sure how to respond. Don't worry - just talk to him and hopefully he'll be a little more reasonable.

Comments

By Maxine17 | 8

#640023 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:01

Well, least he told the truth!

_xxkitkatxx_ | 0

#640044 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:09

Yeah, but I don't think she wanted to hear it.

quirinus | 0

#640094 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:23

so did you get him a sammich?

Skull_300 | 0

#640120 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:31

Ah yeah, and get me a sammich too!

youreanidiot | 0

#640148 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:43

ydi it for dating shallow losers...

inconvienentgurl | 0

#640254 - Monday 26 October 2009 21:35

YDI for posting that on fml
n just leave him
he'll appreciate the time he did have u then...n be hatin cause he let u go
but really...THATS NOT AN FML ur that desperate for an fml u put that? way to go ppl who moderate...

resonant14 | 0

#640602 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:18

It'd be better if you would have starting TEARING up... and like shredding things. THAT would command some attention - fuck whining.

girandwogpig | 0

#640864 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 4:00

Well I hope you fed the man!

FMLrockzdude | 0

#970212 - Sunday 28 March 2010 23:29

so go make him a sammich!

sukatlife | 0

#1536649 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 8:24

um. I'm not sure but this fml was posted the day me and my gf broke up and it was cuz we never saw each other. I also say I'm hungry A LOT

By your_mother | 0

#640025 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:01

girl get in the kitchen and make him a sammitch

popoman | 0

#640611 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:26

What were you doing out of the kitchen?

If you were a good girlfriend, he would never ask that question.

Penetration | 0

#640739 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:41

#92,
I'm waiting for an FML from him about his girlfriend not makin' him a sammich.

vjj | 0

#926719 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 0:46

Reckon he got his sammich yet?

Elphieba | 4

#2117785 - Thursday 24 February 2011 10:25

If we get in the kitchen we poisoin your food.

By irishdancer | 0

#640032 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:03

Wow. Your life sucks because your boyfriend would rather eat than hear you cry. Oh no.

DarthVader77 | 9

#5514520 - Friday 31 May 2013 7:07

Sure, I'd take crying over eating any time. ;). Wait... I won't.

Hiimhaileypotter | 49

#5522081 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 17:18

#3- I took it as more of she's opening up to him and trying to communicate about their relationship, and he couldn't care less and completely tried to deviate from the topic.

By HarrietPotter | 1

#640033 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:05

omghehehe | 0

#640899 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 4:21

Yes, some guys don't know what to say. Its obvious when he said he was hungry or maybe he really was starving??? But really it sounds like a Timing thing.