Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time...

By hanzastfu - 26/10/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. I started tearing up and telling him that I feel like he never has time for me anymore. He responded with, "I'm hungry." FML

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Love

Serious times

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Noob - 5/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I restarted my desktop computer at work. Nobody told me, but it turns out that my computer holds the licenses used for all programs on the server. Needless to say, a lot of people hate me right now. It's only my fifth day here. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2014 19:44 - United Kingdom - Alfreton

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy. Last week, she wrote sweet things like "Love you forever" and "Light of my life" on my arm cast. I have to wait two more weeks until it's taken off. FML

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By notsurprised - 1/8/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

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By h0308 - 8/9/2009 09:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML

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By James - 8/2/2016 22:55 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, the power in my village went out. This caused the back-up battery powered alarm to go off. Nobody in the house even knew our alarm worked, let alone how to make it stop. It's been going off for over an hour now. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2017 22:00 - United States - Littleton

Today, my 14-year-old sister came into the bathroom while I was in it. When she saw me, she said sorry and left. Little did I know, she took my electric toothbrush to masturbate. FML

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By Lockout - 31/8/2015 20:01 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

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By experience_to_get_experience - 21/9/2015 19:09 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

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By IGiveUp - 7/10/2018 13:30

Today, at work, I took a call from an angry customer. After listening to his problem and fully explaining how we could fix it, he called me a stupid girl and said I need more training as I obviously know nothing about my job. I'm the company training coordinator. FML

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By Anon - 29/9/2015 03:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML

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By Nogood - 10/3/2013 09:09 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not". FML

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By mathesonn - 29/5/2014 23:32 - United States - Auburn

Today, out of habit from twelve years of karate classes, I bowed to my teacher as I exited my classroom. My chemistry classroom. FML

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By Theguyinthedark - 30/6/2016 13:23 - Bangladesh

Today, my roommate and I were watching TV, and he ordered a pizza. After it was delivered, I took a slice. He yelled at me for taking his food and told me to stop mooching off him. I had to cover his rent last month and he still hasn't paid me back. FML

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By Emily - 5/12/2012 17:55 - United States - Boston

Today, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. My breathing is short and heavy, and I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me. Instead, he called me Darth Vader, patted me on the head, and said, "Don't worry, the Force will be with you." FML

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By - 24/2/2020 02:00

Incomprehensible

Today, I arrived in Tokyo and went to stay overnight in a teeny airport cabin hotel with shared bathroom facilities. I used the little wicker baskets to put my clothes on and when I came out of the shower, I found someone had stolen my favorite top. Who steals dirty clothes?! FML

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By Dang - 29/1/2017 18:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in class with a water bottle on my desk. I was on my phone not paying attention, when some girl knocked it over by accident. I went to grab it, even though it was in the corner of my eye. I caught the bottle of water but I also happened to grab her ass at the same time. FML

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By Teeny - 5/5/2018 05:00

gross

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

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By j - 4/6/2009 03:36 - Australia

Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML

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By newdad - 6/9/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

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By brokenkneechick - 7/2/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML

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By Sarah - 1/1/2013 15:15 - United States

Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed me divorce papers. FML

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By Duckie W - 13/2/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2014 14:08 - United States

Today, I wrecked my car because my mom texted me, telling me not to text and drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2015 16:17 - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 18:22 - United States

Today, I was feeling abnormally self-confident, so I decided to skip putting on any makeup. The first thing my 7-year-old cousin said when she saw me was, "You look like my pet rat!" FML

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By kenleybunch - 12/3/2013 13:22 - United States - Greenville

Today, I invited my long-lost best friend over, because I haven't seen her much since she got a new boyfriend. 20 minutes into hanging out, he showed up at my door. He still hasn't left, and they're having sex on my couch right now. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 02:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By Jen_ - 26/1/2012 22:08 - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

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By treeless - 24/12/2011 08:11 - Canada

Today, my apartment was broken into. The thief stole my TV, $350, and my Christmas tree. There is still a trail of broken ornaments from my living room to the door. FML

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By - 27/1/2020 18:00

Glittery letters

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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By feels like an asshole - 9/6/2015 20:03 - United States

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

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By tirf - 9/2/2015 22:58

Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 00:48 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

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By unknown - 12/6/2013 17:33 - United States - Tulare

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 21:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

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By IamHM - 24/10/2015 18:04 - United States

Today, I walked 2 miles to the store, filled my cart with groceries, and got to the cashier only to find I had forgotten my wallet. I tried to explain but got the nastiest stank-eye from the cashier, the manager and everyone in line behind me. I walked 2 miles home, hungry and embarrassed. FML

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By ZombieGirl - 11/8/2015 07:43 - United States - Tampa

Today, I signed the lease on my first apartment alone with my boyfriend. We've lived here a month before we got to sign. Today is also the day my neighbors decided to show how they're night owls: all I hear is banging on the walls and them loudly talking and yelling. This will be a long year. FML

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By grandson of a p.o.s. - 14/3/2013 22:04 - United States - Somers

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's will. I didn't expect to receive anything, since his side of the family had always ostracized me for being born out of wedlock. I did get something: $3,500, on the binding condition that I use a portion of it to get a vasectomy. FML

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By meltdowninrels - 15/8/2014 22:09 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. When I told my sister, she just smiled, held up a closed fist, and said "Look at the number of fucks I give!" She then raised a finger, said "Oops. Finger spasm!" then lowered it again. FML

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Top comments

By irishdancer | 0

#640032 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:03

Wow. Your life sucks because your boyfriend would rather eat than hear you cry. Oh no.

By HarrietPotter | 1

#640033 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:05

I sorry. Sometimes my boyfriend has done this, too, although I think he's probably like that not because he doesn't care, but because he's not sure how to respond. Don't worry - just talk to him and hopefully he'll be a little more reasonable.

COMMENTS

By Maxine17 | 8

#640023 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:01

Well, least he told the truth!

_xxkitkatxx_ | 0

#640044 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:09

Yeah, but I don't think she wanted to hear it.

quirinus | 0

#640094 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:23

so did you get him a sammich?

Skull_300 | 0

#640120 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:31

Ah yeah, and get me a sammich too!

youreanidiot | 0

#640148 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:43

ydi it for dating shallow losers...

inconvienentgurl | 0

#640254 - Monday 26 October 2009 21:35

YDI for posting that on fml
n just leave him
he'll appreciate the time he did have u then...n be hatin cause he let u go
but really...THATS NOT AN FML ur that desperate for an fml u put that? way to go ppl who moderate...

resonant14 | 0

#640602 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:18

It'd be better if you would have starting TEARING up... and like shredding things. THAT would command some attention - fuck whining.

girandwogpig | 0

#640864 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 4:00

Well I hope you fed the man!

FMLrockzdude | 0

#970212 - Sunday 28 March 2010 23:29

so go make him a sammich!

sukatlife | 0

#1536649 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 8:24

um. I'm not sure but this fml was posted the day me and my gf broke up and it was cuz we never saw each other. I also say I'm hungry A LOT

By your_mother | 0

#640025 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:01

girl get in the kitchen and make him a sammitch

popoman | 0

#640611 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:26

What were you doing out of the kitchen?

If you were a good girlfriend, he would never ask that question.

Penetration | 0

#640739 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:41

#92,
I'm waiting for an FML from him about his girlfriend not makin' him a sammich.

vjj | 0

#926719 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 0:46

Reckon he got his sammich yet?

Elphieba | 4

#2117785 - Thursday 24 February 2011 10:25

If we get in the kitchen we poisoin your food.

By irishdancer | 0

#640032 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:03

Wow. Your life sucks because your boyfriend would rather eat than hear you cry. Oh no.

DarthVader77 | 9

#5514520 - Friday 31 May 2013 7:07

Sure, I'd take crying over eating any time. ;). Wait... I won't.

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5522081 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 17:18

#3- I took it as more of she's opening up to him and trying to communicate about their relationship, and he couldn't care less and completely tried to deviate from the topic.

By HarrietPotter | 1

#640033 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:05

omghehehe | 0

#640899 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 4:21

Yes, some guys don't know what to say. Its obvious when he said he was hungry or maybe he really was starving??? But really it sounds like a Timing thing.