Love: Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time...

By hanzastfu - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. I started tearing up and telling him that I feel like he never has time for me anymore. He responded with, "I'm hungry." FML

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Love

Triage

Walk on the wild side

Toxic people

By oh well - United States

Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML

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By Sallyfromtheseashore - United States

Today, I wrote a long wall post on my teachers wall on facebook including how much of a douche I thought she was, I wasn't planning on posting it but did on accident, so I quickly deleted it. I felt pretty clever. Did you know facebook sends you emails including what was written on the post? FML

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By Carpet cleaner - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

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By KlutzyFarmGirl - United States

Glamorous...

Today, I went into the farm where I work. Within the first 30 minutes I slipped on a fresh cow pie and broke my ankle. FML

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By pandaboo - United States

Today, I was staying over at my boyfriend's house, sleeping in his sister's room while she is away at college. I left my necklace on her dresser. When I came back, it was gone. His mother saw it there and thought it was her daughter's necklace. She hid it so I wouldn't "steal it". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By _whyy_mee - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

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By DisgustingCreatures - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

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By haha247 - United States

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

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By unlucky_number13 - United States

Today, my crush came over and we began to fool around. He started to kiss my stomach, and just when I was getting into it, he pulled away with a disgusted look on his face, wiped his mouth, and said, "We'll continue this when you get rid of all your bellybutton lint." FML

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By Nominome - France

Today, I was in the check-out line when I noticed the guy behind me kept impatiently sighing. Thinking he was a jerk, I took as long as I could packaging my items. Turns out he left his oxygen tank in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

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By de-ow-dorant

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, while on vacation with my siblings and the horde of nieces and nephews, me and hubby managed to sneak in a quickie. It was a quickie alright. Ihe first time in our marriage he blew his load after 2 strokes because he was afraid of being interrupted. FML

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By ouch

Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He’s always wanted to eat food off my body but never wanted to deal with the mess. He got a little too excited and ended up biting my nipple instead of the spaghetti. I didn’t know someone was capable of biting that hard on soft food. FML

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By sniper foxeh

Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML

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By Steve-noh

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, I knocked an old-school slide carousel off my desk, scattering nearly 100 individual slides everywhere, including the specific slides my professor asked me to digitally scan, which were placed carefully on top. None of them are numbered. FML

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By Daddo - United States - Elkhart

Call CPS!

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

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By soulaar - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By Megan - United States

Today, after my boyfriend promised he wasn't cheating on me, I ran into him at our favorite coffee shop with the girl I suspected him of cheating with. When I confronted them, he acted like he didn't know me. FML

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By Kathrynn - United States

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Randallstown

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

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By Broken - United Arab Emirates

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 17:02 - United States

Mansplaning #2764

Today, I got mansplained for trying to help a guy secure a machine to a trailer. Not only did he bring the wrong trailer, he tried to ratchet it onto the axle. I load and unload trailers at least once a week. FML

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By Achoo - United States

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

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By far23 - United States

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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By Tipless - United States

Today, I was working as a Valet driver. After getting no customers for 5 hours in the pouring rain, a woman driving by stops and asks me for directions. Before leaving, she said, "I should probably tip you for that, since that's probably the only money you'd get all night." She didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

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By almost jobless - United States

Today, I was at work, photographing a baby boy. I grabbed a bench for him to use to hold himself upright. His mom asked if she should hold him instead, but I told her he'd be fine. Two seconds later, he fell backwards and brought the bench down on top of him. There goes my job. FML

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By OperaLover - United States

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

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By BriSwag4321

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my girlfriend's father. He screenshotted it. FML

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By whoreticulturalist - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I decided to watch some porn to cheer myself up after having recently been dumped. Halfway through wanking the gibbon, I got a horrifyingly painful cramp in my foot, and cried out in pain. Ten seconds later, with my pants still down, my dad rushed in to see if I was okay. FML

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By Grosssss - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML

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By evecamp - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

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By t.hughes - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

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By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

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By Manly Sneeze

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

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Top comments

By irishdancer | 0

#640032 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:03

Wow. Your life sucks because your boyfriend would rather eat than hear you cry. Oh no.

By HarrietPotter | 1

#640033 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:05

I sorry. Sometimes my boyfriend has done this, too, although I think he's probably like that not because he doesn't care, but because he's not sure how to respond. Don't worry - just talk to him and hopefully he'll be a little more reasonable.

COMMENTS

By Maxine17 | 8

#640023 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:01

Well, least he told the truth!

_xxkitkatxx_ | 0

#640044 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:09

Yeah, but I don't think she wanted to hear it.

quirinus | 0

#640094 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:23

so did you get him a sammich?

Skull_300 | 0

#640120 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:31

Ah yeah, and get me a sammich too!

youreanidiot | 0

#640148 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:43

ydi it for dating shallow losers...

inconvienentgurl | 0

#640254 - Monday 26 October 2009 21:35

YDI for posting that on fml
n just leave him
he'll appreciate the time he did have u then...n be hatin cause he let u go
but really...THATS NOT AN FML ur that desperate for an fml u put that? way to go ppl who moderate...

resonant14 | 0

#640602 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:18

It'd be better if you would have starting TEARING up... and like shredding things. THAT would command some attention - fuck whining.

girandwogpig | 0

#640864 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 4:00

Well I hope you fed the man!

FMLrockzdude | 0

#970212 - Sunday 28 March 2010 23:29

so go make him a sammich!

sukatlife | 0

#1536649 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 8:24

um. I'm not sure but this fml was posted the day me and my gf broke up and it was cuz we never saw each other. I also say I'm hungry A LOT

By your_mother | 0

#640025 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:01

girl get in the kitchen and make him a sammitch

popoman | 0

#640611 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:26

What were you doing out of the kitchen?

If you were a good girlfriend, he would never ask that question.

Penetration | 0

#640739 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:41

#92,
I'm waiting for an FML from him about his girlfriend not makin' him a sammich.

vjj | 0

#926719 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 0:46

Reckon he got his sammich yet?

Elphieba | 4

#2117785 - Thursday 24 February 2011 10:25

If we get in the kitchen we poisoin your food.

By irishdancer | 0

#640032 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:03

Wow. Your life sucks because your boyfriend would rather eat than hear you cry. Oh no.

DarthVader77 | 9

#5514520 - Friday 31 May 2013 7:07

Sure, I'd take crying over eating any time. ;). Wait... I won't.

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5522081 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 17:18

#3- I took it as more of she's opening up to him and trying to communicate about their relationship, and he couldn't care less and completely tried to deviate from the topic.

By HarrietPotter | 1

#640033 - Monday 26 October 2009 20:05

omghehehe | 0

#640899 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 4:21

Yes, some guys don't know what to say. Its obvious when he said he was hungry or maybe he really was starving??? But really it sounds like a Timing thing.