Animals: Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and...

By Wendie - 18/04/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 484

You deserved it 8 561

Animals

Stop talking!

Dementia or hate? You decide

Grammar police alert

By Arlbethere - 25/02/2011 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended the wrong funeral. I spent twenty minutes trying to hide and walk away without being too conspicuous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 264

You deserved it 8 617

By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, two women came into my place of work, complaining loudly that they couldn't afford a £3 course fee because they didn't have any money to spend on themselves. They were holding large Starbucks coffees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 379

You deserved it 1 453

By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, at the old folk's home where I work as a housekeeper, a resident was holding herself on the way to the bathroom. I hoped she wouldn't leave a mess. She made it just fine. I was then informed that she had left a crap trail from the couch, more than 20ft away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 392

You deserved it 2 723

By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 662

You deserved it 2 129

By wrecked - 11/01/2010 13:43 - United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 545

You deserved it 3 542

By Anonymous - 09/01/2017 23:42

Today, I was the last to go upstairs, so I had to turn off the lights. My tired brain decided to use my phone flashlight to check if all the lights were out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 034

You deserved it 1 180

By Delicious - 21/03/2016 02:09 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I used fly spray on my muffin tray instead of olive oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 496

You deserved it 7 104

By yourmom - 21/09/2010 05:46 - United States

Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 951

You deserved it 9 499

Gassy

By MuteNToot - 26/02/2015 21:17

Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 909

You deserved it 14 293

By Anonymous - 14/08/2014 04:38 - France

Today, I took part in a raffle that was being organised in the small countryside village where I'm vacationing. I live in big city. I won a duck. A real, live duck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 756

You deserved it 9 500

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 05:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I came home from a rough day working two jobs to find a plate of cookies on my desk with a note from my roommates saying, "You deserve it!" I happily broke one in half to eat and discovered they contained coconut. I'm allergic to coconut, a fact both of my roommates are aware of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 400

You deserved it 3 720

By no, YOU raised him - 03/04/2015 21:15 - United States - Concord

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 988

You deserved it 6 475

Man whore

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 07:58

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 149

You deserved it 2 834

By Anonymous - 05/04/2014 15:27 - United States - Iola

Today, a week after moving into my new house, I'm seriously considering suing the previous occupant. He failed to mention how the neighbor has his own band and rehearses every other day until 2am. Their music is so bad, it sounds like the wailing of a cat being tortured to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 277

You deserved it 5 471

By Bontempi - 19/07/2012 18:55 - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 607

You deserved it 42 571

By bodhimae - 03/05/2009 07:15 - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 010

You deserved it 2 351

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 862

You deserved it 5 349

By BurnBabyBurn - 22/02/2017 10:00 - United States - Roberta

Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 633

You deserved it 601

By N - 07/05/2012 09:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 712

You deserved it 5 345

By Momlovesme - 08/08/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 151

You deserved it 17 422

Heat of the moment

By SkyDiver - 20/05/2011 07:46

Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 181

You deserved it 42 697

Stickler for details

By notagyno - 29/03/2013 14:19 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 780

You deserved it 9 093

By unwilling redneck - 24/05/2013 22:48 - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 409

You deserved it 4 572

By Anonymous - 26/05/2014 11:37 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 442

You deserved it 5 844

By djteller - 25/04/2009 00:13 - Israel

Today, While I was running around the block I had this urge to spit. Suddenly I noticed this beautiful girl running in front me. Trying to impress her, I smiled and by mistake drooled everything on the pavement. She wasn't impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 997

You deserved it 48 602

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 16:22 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 973

You deserved it 2 339

Nice parents you've got there…

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 10:59 - United States - San Diego

Today, one of my fourth-graders came up to me and asked, "Can you please not put my test grades in the weekly folders? My mom likes to get mad when I get below a 90." FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 68

By yupppp - 08/08/2011 18:12 - United States

Today, I was talking with my mom about getting my school photos retouched. I believe her exact words were, "They'll take one look at you, and charge me triple." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 104

You deserved it 3 921

By UhOh - 08/07/2011 20:38 - United States

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 141

You deserved it 88 779

By maybe dead in a day - 20/01/2013 19:28 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend of three days met up with me at the movie theater, sporting a crude tattoo of my face on his cheek, along with a love heart and the word "forever." Looks like I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 801

You deserved it 4 228

By Amandajean32 - 05/08/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 774

You deserved it 2 610

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 01:03 - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 614

You deserved it 7 096

By wtf - 09/06/2011 15:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 553

You deserved it 17 948

By maleficunt - 03/06/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, a customer yelled at me so furiously that she sprayed my face with spittle. I had to stand there, smiling and politely explaining that I needed to see a receipt before I could give her a refund. When she finally gave up and left, my boss bitched me out for "provoking the customer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 901

You deserved it 4 011

Red Right Hand

By Hollerz90 - 02/04/2020 23:00

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 042

You deserved it 183

By catpeecathy - 14/09/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was looking in my laundry basket for a clean tank top to wear. As I felt around, I realized that most of my clothes were still wet after two days. After asking my mom what was wrong with the dryer, I found out that for two days my cat had been using my laundry basket as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 559

You deserved it 5 400

By Coquette - 22/04/2012 18:14 - United States

Today, I realized just how awful my relationships have been when I discovered I emotionally connect with women on Jerry Springer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 904

You deserved it 5 737

By whyme - 02/09/2016 04:33 - United States

Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 691

You deserved it 1 257

By All Dressed Up With No Place To Go - 11/09/2015 05:57 - United States - Ashland

Today, I finally lost enough weight to fit into the beautiful dress that I ordered for my senior prom. I graduated from high school in 2010. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 403

You deserved it 4 877

Increase school funding, please?

By Anonymous - 07/03/2020 20:00

Today, my teacher began to explain Veterans' Day and why it's on 11/11 to a new student from Iran. He said he already knew, but this was news to almost everyone else in the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 286

You deserved it 184

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Sammara 0

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:18

Why is a FIVE week old puppy sleeping in your bed? They're still really fragile at that age.

wiggs5 0

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:16

Aw :) puppies are great!

Mauskau 35

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:15

hahahahaha

ChantelRenaeee 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 0:33

aw the poor puppy!

urdirtyolduncle 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 1:10

Better to be pissed off with a puppy than with a duck.

staceysgenesis16 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 1:22

hah !! wow thats groosssss ewwwwuhhh

LOLbomb 1

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 1:26

This is one reason why I never let my dog sleep with me. Another reason is that he probably couldn't fit on the bed...

lv8898 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 1:39

that's not true. a puppy can be taken from it's mom at birth if she's unable to feed it or refuses to. It's very common for puppies to be weaned from mom at 5 weeks. The new owner would just have to make sure it gets it's shots.

Ryanfmlfiend 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 2:15

u have a puppy op stfu!

Marianette 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 4:41

still. I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

MrFlintstone 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 5:50

that dogs thinking fuck lady you scared the piss out of me.

dedrater_kool_u 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 6:04

82. good night its over with thats all she wrote! (literaly)

toastyjustice 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 7:19

96 you do know thats an actual saying right?

Isabel312 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 9:22

i thought the rest of the fml was going to go around the lines of "I snezed and the puppy got smashed by my head and died." but it didn't. phew.

Anton317 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:58

aww cute puppy.. :)

d_balu 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 27 April 2011 12:43

LOL ;)

wisericky 12

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:15

stop being mean to puppies!

BrokenDreamer24 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 0:24

How was OP being mean to the puppy? Sure OP coulda moved the puppy, but it's still a baby so OP let it say there. My cat actually did that to me when she was a kitten, only I had coughed.

VinegarStrokes 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 0:28

OP welcome to the world of fetishism and puppy pee! 43 you're SUCH an idiot. Wow. I suggest looking up the definition of sarcasm when you get a spare moment.

iZDa 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 5:40

its called sarsasm idiot

lickerassholes 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 5:54

fail you spell it wrong

wiggs5 0

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:16

Aw :) puppies are great!

pimpcakes2 11

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:29

It's probably a 5 month old puppy... If it was five weeks OP would probably kill it on accident.

VinegarStrokes 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 0:30

5 months is really old in terms of puppies. It probably wouldn't be scared of a sneeze at that age. Pretty sure OP meant 5 weeks... it's not really small enough to kill buddy, it's not a goldfish or somethin...

manbearpig123456 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 0:39

You can't take a puppy home until 6 weeks after it gets it's first shots, so OP probably meant months.

ieatcats 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 0:45

15 ur dumb puppys can be big at 5 weeks and kill it?? my dog fell off a couch at 2 weeks and is perfectly fine and now weighs 125 lbs

360XBOXFTW 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 3:02

im still scared of sneezes...

cheeturtle 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 6:29

50 Op could have had a dog and it could have had puppies and maybe she was sleeping with it.

kyndaldawn95 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 12:48

It was probably her dogs puppy.

kriztin 0

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:18

haha that sucks but really funny

Sammara 0

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:18

Why is a FIVE week old puppy sleeping in your bed? They're still really fragile at that age.

insanesna1l 0

Send a private message

Monday 18 April 2011 23:59

that and because he was sleeping above your head he will be starting to get the idea he is pack leader.

PrissyPineapple 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 0:34

Someone has been watching the dog whisperer. :D

nerdchic 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 3:57

they arent that fragile? my puppy is old 6 weeks old.. and she sleeps with me all the time.. got her when she was 2 weeks old.. and shes the love of my life!

rcloca 10

Send a private message

Wednesday 6 July 2011 13:45

^^ can I see a pic of ur puppy?

Soleia_Grace 15

Send a private message

Sunday 1 March 2015 17:35

#80 when the puppy is 2 weeks old its dangerous to take them from their mother because they still rely on her for food and are still learning how to walk and function as a living thing