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guys, I am the OP, so listen up... my grandpa wasnt actually aware it was happening he had no say whatsoever he wasnt planning his own, they planned it FOR him, while he wasnt there

Classic Mom

By secret - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Ashford

Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my sister's birthday. It isn't her birthday today, it's mine. FML

agreeclassic 40 478

vote type 1 2 306

Get me out

By Anonymous - 21/03/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, I'm on a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

agreeclassic 40 476

vote type 1 3 249

By Sheh - 16/07/2014 15:02 - Sweden

Today, while out grocery shopping with my mother, she asked me to hold a large bag of rice for her. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd been absent-mindedly stroking it the whole time, just like when I pick up my cat. FML

agreeclassic 40 475

vote type 1 9 360

Sheh_fml app_comment_confession_title

Sheh_fml 25

Wednesday 16 July 2014 20:38

The bag of rice didn't have any handle, so I held it kinda resting against my torso, just like when holding my cat. I guess it has just become a habit. Loving all the puns :)

Odd behavior

By 4fucksake - 18/07/2010 23:26 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

agreeclassic 40 474

vote type 1 4 712

By Anonymous - 10/01/2014 23:05 - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

agreeclassic 40 473

vote type 1 17 661

Classy guy

By NewlyDread - 06/02/2013 02:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking at engagement rings. When the store owner asked about our budget, my boyfriend said with a straight face, "Nothing too expensive, I have a big penis so I don't have to overcompensate by buying a big diamond." FML

agreeclassic 40 471

vote type 1 7 443

By Anonymous - 25/07/2012 01:37 - United States - Solon Springs

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

agreeclassic 40 470

vote type 1 2 273

Help yourselves

By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 21:54 - United States

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

agreeclassic 40 469

vote type 1 3 491

Time to call it quits

By Cooky - 14/03/2010 09:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

agreeclassic 40 468

vote type 1 6 739

By cubs44fan - 04/03/2014 23:25 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML

agreeclassic 40 465

vote type 1 6 158

Hey!

By wtf dad - 10/01/2013 03:15 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

agreeclassic 40 465

vote type 1 3 324

By teeth - 10/08/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

agreeclassic 40 464

vote type 1 2 837

Bon appétit

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

agreeclassic 40 463

vote type 1 10 071

By Anonymous - 02/04/2013 10:30 - United States - Beaumont

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for killing him in Minecraft. FML

agreeclassic 40 463

vote type 1 8 365

Humpty Dumpy

By traumatized - 12/04/2014 18:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML

agreeclassic 40 462

vote type 1 9 421

Lost in translation

By Demotivation - 02/07/2013 14:35 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate, along with the comment, "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I won't get paid. FML

agreeclassic 40 462

vote type 1 3 087

By Anonymous - 04/07/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out, I had to pick up my brother when his truck died in the mountains, on a dirt road. He was drunk. I now have a car covered in mud and filled with vomit. FML

agreeclassic 40 460

vote type 1 3 156

By lawl - 07/05/2011 13:25 - Canada

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

agreeclassic 40 459

vote type 1 12 127

By Anonymous - 14/08/2014 21:13 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

agreeclassic 40 457

vote type 1 6 182

Bad timing

By marie12 - 27/03/2011 01:19 - Belgium

Today, I had dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend. The first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house, the second one that he was no longer single, and the third one revealed that she was pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 40 457

vote type 1 5 095

By clashgurl8449 - 17/02/2011 08:08

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

agreeclassic 40 456

vote type 1 4 273

Chancer

By deathstar3548 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Orlando

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

agreeclassic 40 454

vote type 1 3 561

By cmd102 - 20/10/2011 21:18 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to see if he wanted to come over to my house. He said he couldn't because he was out of town. That would have be perfectly acceptable, if I hadn't called him on his house phone. FML

agreeclassic 40 454

vote type 1 3 373

Mixed signals

By max - 07/02/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "Oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

agreeclassic 40 451

vote type 1 2 986

Test subject

By Anonymous - 07/12/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, but no one stopped. Back at the lab, another participant said a half-dozen people helped her. The professor was testing how attractiveness affects altruism. I was the unattractive subject. FML

agreeclassic 40 451

vote type 1 3 707

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Keywords

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Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend by cooking her dinner. I spent hours preparing and making sure everything was perfect. I lit candles, set the table, and even put on some soft music. When she came home, she'd already eaten and wasn't hungry. FML

agreeclassic 911

vote type 1 156

Today, I had to sit through chemistry class watching the kid in front of me slowly peel off the scabs on his arms, examine them, and then eat them. For an hour. FML

agreeclassic 47 338

vote type 1 3 191

Today, just before going into an test, I broke my glasses on the way to the exam room. I'm short sighted, and I spent an hour with my nose glued to the paper trying to figure out what was written on it. It was a opthalmology exam. FML

agreeclassic 611

vote type 1 50

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

agreeclassic 2 784

vote type 1 391

Today, I met a boy on Snapchat. I sent him my picture and he said I was cute. We talked for a bit, and I said, "Okay" to something. Then he sent his picture, but my slow Wi-Fi made it look like I said okay to his picture, right after he'd called me cute. I tried to explain, but he said I was just trying to be nice. FML

agreeclassic 936

vote type 1 174

Today, I got a tooth pulled out. I now have a hole connecting my mouth to my nose. Drinking and eating is whole new experience. FML

agreeclassic 707

vote type 1 103