Health: Today, I'm now able to put my acne cream on my face without having...

By Anonymous - United States - Canton

Today, I'm now able to put my acne cream on my face without having to look in the mirror, because I've memorized the crater and trench-filled war zone that is my acne-riddled face. FML

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Health

Sorry…

Dementia or hate? You decide

F is for Family

By ouch - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

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By David Wicker - 9/9/2020 08:02

Laughs in socialized healthcare

Today, I sleep on the floor every night because my cat has punctured three air mattresses. I was going to get a real bed with my stimulus check, but I broke my leg and had to pay for the doctor's bill. FML

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By embarrassed - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I received my first dick pic from my boyfriend. Problem is, we broke up 3 weeks ago and his next message said, "Oops, sorry, wrong person." FML

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By homework - India

Today, whilst cleaning out his desk, my dad "accidentally" threw away my summer homework. That's 100 pages, over a duration of 2 months. School starts in 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 05:01

Favoritism

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law say to her daughter "I can't wait for you to make me a real grandma." I'm pregnant with their first grandchild. FML

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By TheNewSalesRep - Canada - Brantford

Today, on my second day at my new job, my supervisor told me that I was ready to make a sale on my own. Things were going well, until said supervisor interrupted my sales pitch, apologized on my behalf for being new, and stole my sale. FML

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By Anonymous

Today I sneezed and shit myself in bed. It was the first time I ever slept at my girlfriends house, and probably the last time as well. FML

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By Falling off the wagon - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending 1 year sober. FML

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By theassman - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 10/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Raritan

Bad Moon Rising

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

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By Marjo86

Man vs. Wild

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

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By Deirbhile - United States

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

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By redhead - United States - Lima

Well Played

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years is dating another girl. Not only do she and I share the same hair and eye color, but we also happen to have the same first name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML

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By leogs23 - 2/3/2021 20:01

Force of habit, or just mean?

Today, my fiancée’s siblings kept calling me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. FML

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By adopted - United States - New York

Today, I decided it was time to tell my daughter that she had been adopted. Not only had she known for 5 years, she found out from my drunk sister. FML

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By DumpedHisAss - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

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By Monster-in-law - United States - Sherwood

Today, I got a call from my brother-in-law's doctor. Apparently he's made threats and fantasizes about killing me. "Notifying you is the protocol for things like this" he said, and ended the conversation with, "have a nice day." FML

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By Lizzzyygurl - United States

Today, a foreigner walked into my restaurant to pick up his pizzas. The bill was $25 and he gave me $30 and a 100 dollar bill. I gave him his change from the 30 and I didn't understand so I gave him back the 100 dollars. He said "Well if you dont want it, okay." He was gonna tip me $100. FML

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By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 00:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Grow a backbone time!

Today, I had to stop going to university with 2 years left because my parents feel it's not the right course for me. I am 23 years-old, living with my parents, $2 to my name and no job. FML

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By Beepbeepbeep - United States

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 30 minutes of pre-heating the oven to make a special meatloaf for my husband's birthday, I remembered that I had hidden the cake in there. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

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By ChiefKoala

This is America

Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

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By gagus123

Karma sucks

Today, I pretended to be sick at the office and went home early because I wanted to attend a party. On the way to the said party, my car caught fire on the highway. FML

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By chriss - United States

Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work? FML

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By footinmouth - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I got unbelievably drunk and pissed in the corner of my room, all over a plug socket, which blew out the electrics. FML

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By Binks - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

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By I'mSoHungry - New Zealand - Auckland

I am very hungry

Today, a bird flew into the workshop where I work, gave itself a tour of the place, then promptly pooped on my lunch and left. FML

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By cdaniel2 - United States

Truth bomb

Today, I was sitting at home, venting to my parents about how I never get asked out by any of the guys at school. My Dad's words of wisdom were, "Don't worry, looks don't matter so much in college. Once they've had a few beers in them, they'll date anything." FML

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By unexpected_failure - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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By me - United States - Findlay

Today, while volunteering at a local museum, I politely told an elderly gentleman to have a nice day. He responded by yelling "NO" and storming off. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of monster. FML

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By 552220000

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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By yayaimannoying - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

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By Hungry - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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Top comments

By CrazyMelvin | 14

#5816854 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:21

That's a pretty good talent actually. If the power ever goes out and you need to put the acne cream on, you're all set:)

By XCrazyMofo2010X | 17

#5816853 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:20

Well you should be proud of that memory of yours

COMMENTS

By XCrazyMofo2010X | 17

#5816853 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:20

Well you should be proud of that memory of yours

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5816984 - Sunday 5 January 2014 1:18

I've done the exact same thing OP!

By CrazyMelvin | 14

#5816854 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:21

That's a pretty good talent actually. If the power ever goes out and you need to put the acne cream on, you're all set:)

By TheWildRover1 | 12

#5816862 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:22

At least NASA haven't sent one of their robots to look for life on your face!

Welshite | 39

#5816884 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:29

Houston, we have a problem.

By Puffytruffles | 18

#5816863 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:23

You should become a war poet.

By miss_jules | 11

#5816865 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:23

Take a Zinc supplement. It really helps clear up acne!

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5816949 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:31

Alternatively, you can go on courses of antibiotics. That's what I did.

murdersquirrel | 15

#5817080 - Sunday 5 January 2014 2:16

that's no joke, zinc is awesome.

zandalee | 19

#5817350 - Sunday 5 January 2014 7:14

Antibiotics have worked for me as a teen and my teenagers. Give them a go. They work.

nchic01 | 17

#5817378 - Sunday 5 January 2014 8:03

zinc is okay, but pantothenic acid, or vitamin b5, is better! try it, it cleared up my acne in a week.

By tyler_mcdolan | 10

#5816869 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:24

Well hopefully the acne cream cleans it all up

By saucyrossi | 18

#5816871 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:24

Well if you can memorize that, you must be pretty smart ;)

By jillytc | 23

#5816873 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:24

hey, we all went through that awful acne phase, it'll go away eventually

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5816904 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:46

I didn't,,

infinitegrace | 21

#5816936 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:18

Of course you didn't DodgeGuyWithATattooThatLooksLikeAPenis...

skyeyez9 | 24

#5816947 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:27

I didn't have an acne phase, although my brother had it fairly bad. I got an occasional zit that appeared every so often......usually the day school pics were going to be taken.

cactusdesu | 15

#5818221 - Monday 6 January 2014 1:23

Not everybody has acne growing up. We all have little pimples from time to time, but acne is inflamed and widespread.

By Emiler98 | 11

#5816874 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:25

I think I have finally conquered my enemy lol
It took almost 2 years. Good luck op hope the medicine works

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5816875 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:25

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD