Today, I'm now able to put my acne cream on my face without having...

By Anonymous - United States - Canton

Today, I'm now able to put my acne cream on my face without having to look in the mirror, because I've memorized the crater and trench-filled war zone that is my acne-riddled face. FML

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Health

Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

It's the thought that counts

By Anonymous - Ghana - Accra

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 04:01 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Unaware ableist

Today, I sat outside for a half hour hysterically laughing at this kid next door for constantly mooing like a cow. My mum came out to inform me the kid is severely disabled. I even mooed back at one stage. FML

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By Really? - Australia - Homebush

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

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By melikeyturtles - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out my home health patient purposely drinks tons of prune juice every night so I will have a huge mess to clean up in the morning because I'm "a lazy bastard" and I "need to work harder." FML

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By secretdeo - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

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By anonymous198913 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" on the guitar, just to have my friend tell me that my voice sucks, and that I needed to stop immediately. FML

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By unhappy - United States - San Anselmo

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

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By nalathelionqueen - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

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26429

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By Anonymous - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

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37894

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By Gurl - Ireland - Dublin

Today, the iPhone app I downloaded that plays cricket noises during the night, has attracted a horde of actual crickets into my bedroom. FML

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15383

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By goatvideosarelame - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

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By Anonymous - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML

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By peter - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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47637

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By xxxkkxxx - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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48680

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

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By thatonesilentkidinclass - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML

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By stinky breath - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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43548

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By IMayBeAFool - United States

Today, after I have spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confesses she's a mental patient who stole someone elses identity. She was telling the truth. FML

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43118

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to walk through an extremely crowded pub wearing a dorky prisoner outfit to get to a dress-up party at the back. When we got there, I soon realised it wasn't fancy dress, but just black-and-white themed. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

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2718

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By parentalnightmare - United States - Laurel

Today, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition. My parents seemed very sympathetic and my mother even cried. When we got home, though, they started laughing and asked if I really believed all the shit the doctor was talking about. FML

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21860

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By Victoria - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

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1312

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By naagodinho - Portugal

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

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By luckygirl - United States

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

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37873

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By that1guy - United States

Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I learned that you can be qualified for a position, be a nice person and enthusiastic about working, but as soon as the boss has a relative looking for a job, nepotism wins. FML

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By Brilliant... - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

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By mishyb - United States - Englewood

Today, my horse farted and scared itself, then ran all the way up the hill and wouldn't stop until I fell off. FML

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By c-mack - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

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24613

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By pubemilkshake - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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41697

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By mental - United States - Norfolk

Insanity

Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

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27103

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By Lucas79 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML

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By thedoc - United States - Amarillo

No kink-shaming on FML

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

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By shecrieseverytimeIremindher - United States - Oregon City

Today, I looked at the revenue from my Etsy shop. After hours and hours of hard work, I was ecstatic to find that I made about $560 so far. That is, until I remembered that it all went to my mom's bank account and I paid all the fees out of my own pocket. And yes, she won't give it back. FML

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By Ryoichi - Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was cleaning, listening to music and sometimes singing along, I heard a knock on my front door. I turned off the music and opened the door to the police, who stated they had to investigate reports of "repeated female screams" coming from my apartment. I'm a 23 year old man. FML

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By retainer - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

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Top comments

By CrazyMelvin | 14

#5816854 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:21

That's a pretty good talent actually. If the power ever goes out and you need to put the acne cream on, you're all set:)

By XCrazyMofo2010X | 17

#5816853 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:20

Well you should be proud of that memory of yours

COMMENTS

By XCrazyMofo2010X | 17

#5816853 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:20

Well you should be proud of that memory of yours

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5816984 - Sunday 5 January 2014 1:18

I've done the exact same thing OP!

By CrazyMelvin | 14

#5816854 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:21

That's a pretty good talent actually. If the power ever goes out and you need to put the acne cream on, you're all set:)

By TheWildRover1 | 12

#5816862 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:22

At least NASA haven't sent one of their robots to look for life on your face!

Welshite | 39

#5816884 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:29

Houston, we have a problem.

By Puffytruffles | 18

#5816863 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:23

You should become a war poet.

By miss_jules | 11

#5816865 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:23

Take a Zinc supplement. It really helps clear up acne!

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5816949 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:31

Alternatively, you can go on courses of antibiotics. That's what I did.

murdersquirrel | 15

#5817080 - Sunday 5 January 2014 2:16

that's no joke, zinc is awesome.

zandalee | 19

#5817350 - Sunday 5 January 2014 7:14

Antibiotics have worked for me as a teen and my teenagers. Give them a go. They work.

nchic01 | 17

#5817378 - Sunday 5 January 2014 8:03

zinc is okay, but pantothenic acid, or vitamin b5, is better! try it, it cleared up my acne in a week.

By tyler_mcdolan | 10

#5816869 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:24

Well hopefully the acne cream cleans it all up

By saucyrossi | 18

#5816871 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:24

Well if you can memorize that, you must be pretty smart ;)

By jillytc | 23

#5816873 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:24

hey, we all went through that awful acne phase, it'll go away eventually

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5816904 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:46

I didn't,,

infinitegrace | 21

#5816936 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:18

Of course you didn't DodgeGuyWithATattooThatLooksLikeAPenis...

skyeyez9 | 24

#5816947 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:27

I didn't have an acne phase, although my brother had it fairly bad. I got an occasional zit that appeared every so often......usually the day school pics were going to be taken.

cactusdesu | 15

#5818221 - Monday 6 January 2014 1:23

Not everybody has acne growing up. We all have little pimples from time to time, but acne is inflamed and widespread.

By Emiler98 | 11

#5816874 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:25

I think I have finally conquered my enemy lol
It took almost 2 years. Good luck op hope the medicine works

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5816875 - Saturday 4 January 2014 23:25

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD