Transportation: Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out,...

By Anonymous - 04/07/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out, I had to pick up my brother when his truck died in the mountains, on a dirt road. He was drunk. I now have a car covered in mud and filled with vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 382

You deserved it 3 125

Transportation

The smell detective is on the case

Mother of the year

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By orgasmsareoverratedanyway - 25/09/2012 17:42 - Norway - Myre

Today, I realized just how clingy my boyfriend is, when he pulled out in the middle of sex, lay down and hugged me, and said in his "adorable" voice that he didn't really want to have sex, but cuddle. I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen so often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 817

You deserved it 5 229

Modern warfare

By Anonymous - 11/09/2021 22:59 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, as I enjoyed my peaceful evening, I realized that my redneck neighbors had gone into the hills to shoot machine guns. How the almighty f**k did they get MACHINE GUNS? FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 163

By BrokeAsAJoke - 29/03/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 275

You deserved it 64 167

By Jaxter - 18/03/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 789

You deserved it 14 962

By Noname - 02/02/2012 10:41 - United States

Today, I got an email from the local D and D meet up group that the next meeting will be on Feb. 14th. I don't know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine's Day, or that I have nothing better to do but go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 184

You deserved it 4 513

By cat.imakittycat. - 07/04/2015 07:14 - New Zealand - New Plymouth

Today, I was outside with my two new kittens. A woman came rushing over, saying how glad she was that they were outside. She then started complaining that she had only been able to see them through the windows previously. I have no idea who she is or where she lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 025

You deserved it 2 444

By nice guys finish last - 20/08/2013 04:01 - United States - Smyrna

Today, a kid in class dropped his paper on the floor. I held on to my desk with one hand and reached for the paper with my other hand. I lost balance and tilted both my chair and desk over, nailing the floor as everything on my desk hit the ground with me. He picked the paper up himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 301

You deserved it 5 641

By Sir Vom-a-lot - 14/06/2012 16:28 - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 580

You deserved it 6 569

By mperh - 28/05/2011 12:46 - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 822

You deserved it 3 228

By failure - 10/10/2013 14:11 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 779

You deserved it 15 696

By crinitis - 28/01/2016 16:05 - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 997

You deserved it 1 384

By Shep - 31/08/2018 13:00

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 075

You deserved it 176

By disney_dick - 08/01/2018 00:00 - United States - Mims

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 866

You deserved it 1 970

By socially awkward - 10/03/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 198

You deserved it 8 877

By wtf?? - 09/02/2015 13:26 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my bed fell through my floor. With me on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 698

You deserved it 3 581

Big nope

By SquishFish - 10/07/2019 14:05

Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 133

By Anon - 18/08/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 079

You deserved it 3 032

Simple pleasures

By juggalo2 - 10/10/2021 05:00

Today, at work, I overrode the limit on my forklift, allowing me to carry four pallets instead of two. Then I was able to place them all within a ten-foot radius, giving a massive boost to my efficiency. My excitement faded when I realized that was actually the high point of my day/week/month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 220

By Anonymous - 17/08/2016 15:18 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 486

You deserved it 1 134

By Anonymous - 26/08/2013 23:12 - United States - Hollywood

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 623

You deserved it 3 461

By Lilo4life - 06/08/2015 15:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 353

You deserved it 2 784

By Anonymous - 06/03/2015 01:34 - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 070

You deserved it 2 987

Storage wars

By Alyssa K Scheiber - 26/04/2021 02:00

Today, my boyfriend of almost 5 years told me that his reason for staying with me is because he doesn't want to go through our storage unit to decide who would get what. We've had the storage unit for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 87

By notpreggo - 01/05/2017 12:00

Today, I was taking my 3-month-old nephew for a walk in his stroller, when a lady stopped me to coo over him. Then she patted my stomach and said, "Don't worry, you'll lose the baby weight soon". I've never had a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 928

You deserved it 680

By Anonymous - 12/06/2017 20:00

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 128

You deserved it 506

By Lola - 23/07/2012 04:31

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 726

You deserved it 4 325

By jnp414 - 29/05/2016 01:11 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 457

You deserved it 1 508

By ... - 29/12/2010 15:24

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 401

You deserved it 3 382

By RJB - 29/07/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 963

You deserved it 12 534

By batman123 - 21/02/2009 02:42 - Canada

Today, a girl I really liked mentioned she's home alone and that she was really really lonely. She offered for me to come over and watch a few movies with her, and as I got prepared to leave she sent me a text saying " can you pick up my friend Spencer? " FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 050

You deserved it 3 481

By Anonymous - 14/02/2019 14:52 - United States - Hartford

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 981

You deserved it 3 355

By sqquish - 01/03/2016 18:48 - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 867

You deserved it 4 597

By yolo is for shitheads - 09/10/2012 16:07 - United States

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 382

You deserved it 2 145

By AchievementUnlocked? - 19/10/2013 07:30 - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about celebrities he finds attractive. All of these beautiful, talented, glamorous women were starting to make me feel very plain, so he attempted to console me by saying, "But I love you. You're attainable!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 265

You deserved it 6 434

By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 03:04 - United States

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 359

You deserved it 6 083

Extreme

By ... cheers - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Bishopton

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. His reason was that my laugh is really annoying and makes him want to "stick a baby in a blender". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 536

You deserved it 9 816

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, while working at a restaurant, I watched someone throw their car door open and hit the side of my brand new car for the third time this week. I told the woman to be more careful. She told my manager that I was being racist. As I was being yelled at, I watched her hit my car again, smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 284

You deserved it 3 843

By anon - 29/01/2015 18:32 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 136

You deserved it 2 842

Trashcan addiction

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 00:01

Today, I finally got my 18 month-old to throw away her trash and dirty diapers. Now she throws everything away, and I can't get her to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 603

You deserved it 399

Buyer's market

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 00:01

Today, I found out that my childhood vacation home was on sale for 149K. We sold it for 99K 9 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 189

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Top comments

miamullins 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:18

you did him a favour so therefor you should make him clean it up... I know I would.......

xuthdude 0

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Monday 5 July 2010 5:45

dude thats not even funny.^^^^^^^

maii_fml 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:11

eeew make him clean it

atruegem 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:37

2nd this. Or better: have a professional company clean it and have him pay the bill

qwerty475 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 0:41

"Sorry bro......I was boozed up man" - LOL

MasterModeraor 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 4:45

YDI for having your car dirty enufff before that it took 2 whole days to clean it inside and out. If you think a little vomit and dirt is just as bad a something that would take you 2 days to clean then you obviously lack cleaning skills. YDI

MasterModeraor 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 4:47

YDI for covering your car in mud and vomitting in it. I bet your brother was disguisted at what you did. You owe him for that now cause its not nice to pick up your friend as a nice deed if your car smells like vomit and looks like shit. YFDI

xuthdude 0

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Monday 5 July 2010 5:45

dude thats not even funny.^^^^^^^

SturmFireforge 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:11

Get him to pay for a clean up! At least you did him the favor.

AshleyRose784 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:12

eww, I'd make him clean it

MeganH0LLYW00D 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:15

Well then stop crying and clean it again bitch.

ladidadi 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:16

make sure to make him pay for the cleanup and also inform him that he was being incredibly irresponsible by driving drunk.

containsnosoy 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:17

Hey, at least it was clean so he didn't throw up on anything other than your car. I'd been way more pissed cleaning through vomit/mud covered papers/books than the interior.