Today, after good sex, we were lying in bed, just hugging and stroking each other, when the moment was ruined by a mosquito biting my nipple. I swatted it and we tried to get back to feeling good when another mosquito bit my husband right on the tip of his penis. Moment well and truly over. FML
Today, I was doing a striptease for my crush on FaceTime. I’d forgotten to lock my bedroom door and my mom came barging in, yelling at me to, “Stop leaving your period blood on the toilet seat!” She also saw that I was in my bra and panties, and left in disgust. My crush hung up and he won’t return my calls or texts. FML
Today, I live in an area and age where girls hang out with party promoters past their mid-20s, who have been texting them since they were in high school. Apparently, these men who get young girls intoxicated are not dangerous people. Yet, these same girls spew the same feminist crap on instagram. FML
Today, I saw the guy I was seeing four months ago, who lives in another state, hand in hand with a girl at the mall. The same one who told me he "doesn’t do long distance." I went up to them, confronted him about it, and demanded to know why her and not me. He pretended not to know me and threatened to call security. FML
Today, my parents went on holiday less than two hours ago. They’re probably still in the airport, and not even on the plane yet. In those two hours I spilled milk on dad's armchair, broke a door handle off a kitchen cupboard, and stepped on and broke the cat's tail so I’m now in the vet's waiting room. FML
Today, I spent 16 minutes doing a “free” IQ test. I then found out you had to pay, and then spent another 20 on another. Now I feel dumb. FML
Today, and for the last few months, I finally have enough money to be able to move into my own place. I can finally have girls over. I am also at the age of 26, where most girls stop wanting to go over to a guy's house. I wish I was 18 again, when independence is seen as new and sexy. FML
Today, my parents have smoked for most of their lives and are both healthy as horses. Meanwhile, I smoked for two years, then went through hell quitting, and just had my first asthma attack and was lectured about "long term effects of tobacco, even after cessation." THIS IS BULLSHIT! FML
Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML
Today, a woman started breastfeeding her infant in a restaurant. Disgusted, I told her to take it to the bathroom, as I was eating. In response, she squirted me with milk then went back to ignoring me. FML
Today, I got drunk and tried to talk with my crush. I ended up telling her that she reminded me of my nieces. FML
That's amore...
Today, I mistakenly shared my picture in my office group chat, then went to dinner. No one asked me to delete it for 30 minutes, then when I got a message that I'd shared it in the wrong window, I deleted it immediately. I don't know how many people saw the picture, and my manager also is in the group in addition to my colleagues. FML
Today, after my relationship ended in a shambles, my partner finally moved out and we were broken up, now, just as I started talking to others and feeling OK with being alone, she revealed that the break was temporary and that she has to move back in temporarily. FML
Whee!
Greedy Catto!
Today, I bought noise-canceling headphones to block out distractions while working from home. They worked so well that I missed the doorbell, three phone calls, and a fire drill in my building. FML
Today, I discovered the office coffee machine had been replaced with a complex espresso maker. I'm so introverted that instead of asking for help, I spent the day googling how to operate it, all to end up with a cup of lukewarm frothed milk. FML
Today, while feeling really ill, I pumped myself full of caffeine so that I'd be ready to run an online gaming session. I managed to maintain until I realized one of the players hadn't responded for two hours. She went AFK without telling anyone, holding up progress, for the 4th time. I don't know why I bother. FML
Fine... I guess?
Today, I worked up the courage to ask someone out after months of debating it. She smiled, said yes, and asked what time. I got so nervous that I gave her the time I start work instead of our reservation. We both showed up to completely different places and spent twenty minutes wondering why the other had ghosted us. FML
Today, I got drunk enough to do cartwheels at a company party. In a dress. I work in HR, can’t land a cartwheel, or handle my alcohol. FML
Today, like every night, I heard a strange scratching sound coming from my bedroom wall. I checked the pipes, moved the furniture, and even called my landlord. He found the problem in five minutes: a loose radiator pipe. I'd spent three nights sleeping on the sofa because I thought something was living in the wall. FML
Today, I got home from work after working 16 hours straight. I was naked on the toilet, just about to get in the shower, scrolling through my phone when I nodded off and FaceTimed someone by accident. FML
Today, I finally managed to have a lucid dream. I went to soar across the sky like Superman. Nothing happened. I went to have dream sex with a hot babe. Her body was just a blur and I didn't feel anything. I literally cannot recall the last time I was so disappointed in anything. FML
Today, I realized that I wasted my time in college. I'm supposed to graduate next month, and I hate the career I'm going into. I could've focused on recruiting and easily found a job I would enjoy, but I decided to waste my time watching YouTube videos and playing video games that I'm not even good at. FML
He's got a very... interesting technique.
Today, I bought my niece a huge stuffed teddy bear for her birthday because I wanted to be the cool aunt/uncle. She hugged it, smiled, and then immediately hugged the gift bag instead, because apparently it made a "funny" crinkly noise. I have officially been defeated by packaging. FML
Today, despite the hotel where I'm staying having changed owners and being completely renovated, I still got the pleasure of writing "Wash me" into the grime of the swimming pool between two lengths of breaststrokes. Just like the old times. FML
My bad, guys.
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