Just One Drink

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

Instadrama

Season finale

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous

18036

71722

Today, in the small hours of the morning, my roommate's boyfriend kicked his foot through the thin wall separating our bedrooms during sex. They didn't even stop. FML

By BreakingTheMood - Finland - Vanda

53775

4418

Today, my mother had a full-on hissy fit because of the clothes I was wearing. Not because she thought they were inappropriate, but because I was "stealing her look." FML

By malicious_melons - United States - Santa Paula

44105

3509

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

7093

36459

Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30813

3355

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

By KayyElOh94 - United States

33627

3786

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

By -__-" - United States - Vancouver

48452

4536

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML

By not picking up - Slovenia - Zelimlje

36287

2588

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

By Username - United States

36634

13464

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

By barebackingit - Canada - Kanata

50650

11768

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

By kit_kat14 - United Kingdom

25389

4854

Today, while buying drinks, the cashier immediately refused me and said, “Don’t even bother showing me your ID, you’re obviously 12." I’m 31. FML

By samantha - 23/6/2020 02:02

Humblebrag in disguise

1541

128

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Conover

17822

40108

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

By fat girl - United States - North Pole

46449

5540

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

By stanky - United States - Columbus

29215

2965

Today, I was teaching swim lessons. I got felt up by a 6 year old boy. 3 times. FML

By cplaner - United States

33639

5178

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

By DumbassRoaster - United States - Fairview

12497

1711

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

4359

434

Today, the CEO of my company wanted to meet with me. I was excited until I found out she just wanted to bitch me out and personally fire me. Later on, I found out my boss had totally shafted me and blamed the failure of a big project on me instead of admitting it was all his fault. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

21053

1238

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

By hotmommy

45050

6579

Today, my jerk of an ex messaged to apologize for dumping me two weeks ago. I took the high road and was overtly polite and friendly, hoping to end things civil. Our conversation ended when he casually mentioned he is moving in with his new girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 14:00

You ass!

1343

181

Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML

By -___- - Sweden - Stockholm

29571

3331

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

By Creepedout - United States - Wilson

23563

1644

Today, I showed my boyfriend a picture of me in what I thought was a sexy skintight dress. He responded by saying "it's ok, I went through a pudgy stage too". The picture was from Saturday night. FML

By Sam - United States

32537

4238

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

9435

32693

Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML

By monty - United States

61187

13337

Today, I was invited to a party to celebrate my ex-fiancée's recent engagement. The party is at work, because my ex is also my boss. Her new fiancée is some guy she met while on a "business trip" that happened while we were still engaged. FML

By lebowski101 - Canada

37775

2987

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

By iscreamforicecream - United States

Just a prank, bro

43345

5725

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

By EyesofStone - United States

13072

1568

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

By Shameonme - Morocco

21554

60996

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

By Anonymous - United States

12975

22796

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

By nakedyogagirl - United Kingdom

10008

39365

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

By yolo is for shitheads - United States

23352

2142

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

By Anonymous - United States

24975

4353

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

By Anonymous - United States

44018

25481

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

By youredisgusting - United States - Merced

33966

2712

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

By slightlyworried - United States - Parker

35039

3318

Today, I found the Christmas 'newsletter' my mom sends out every year to our extended family and friends that details our activities and achievements of the past year. I wasn't mentioned once. FML

By notworthy - New Zealand

26131

3558

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29224

2412

Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML

By Alien - Switzerland

25981

2611