Just One Drink

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

Understandable

Ant life

Noise

By Tj Hunt - 5/11/2012 03:26 - United States

37613

4434

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

By Aliiiice - 16/7/2013 13:18 - France - Offranville

48588

35779

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents when a sex scene came on. As if that wasn't awkward enough, they started making out on the couch behind me. FML

By ohgodwhy - 6/4/2013 14:15 - Canada - Elliot Lake

63158

5678

Today, at the orthodontist, the nurse was checking my teeth. She asked me a question while her finger was in my mouth, and when I stupidly tried to reply, I bit her finger. FML

By Silent - 18/10/2018 17:30

2048

416

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 16:27 - France

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Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML

By fuck off, dad - 2/1/2014 17:07 - United States - Philadelphia

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Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

By Username - 1/7/2011 21:47 - United States

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Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2013 16:33 - Japan - Tokyo

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Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 14:00

Hmmm, nutritious!

1706

159

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 11:44 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

By WastedTime - 7/8/2010 06:06 - United States

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Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML

By C0olgirl - 3/4/2009 21:43 - United States

19513

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Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

By Anna - 15/6/2012 09:43 - United States - Buellton

8740

51500

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

By eliinu - 2/9/2016 02:45 - United States - Middlesboro

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904

Today, I walk into my grandma's house after having a fabulous lunch with a few friends. The first thing I hear is "Be a dear and help me change my colostomy bag." I lost that fabulous lunch. FML

By NoThanksGrandma - 20/11/2011 07:37

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Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

By hcditfi5foygy - 23/7/2018 19:04

4348

254

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

By UnderConstruction - 4/5/2012 14:34 - Canada - Pickering

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4245

Today, my father spent half an hour trying to convert my cat to Christianity. He has already done this with my other two cats. He's completely serious and thinks they are born-again Christians. FML

By CatOwner - 12/7/2011 02:15 - United States

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Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

By Oh_baby - 10/6/2009 17:35 - United States

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Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML

By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Park City

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385

Today, I got a new chair at work. After spending 3 hours putting it together, I was called into my boss's office and let go. FML

By helpme - 4/12/2013 04:05 - United States - Brockton

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Today, I paid a locksmith $100 after I locked myself out of my apartment. All he did was hit it, and it flung open. It wasn't locked, it'd just got stuck. FML

By stuck - 7/11/2012 15:00 - United States - California

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Today, I found out that my crush is a lesbian. Everyone knew about it. Everyone also knew that I liked her. No one told me. FML

By LesboLover - 26/6/2019 02:30

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Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

By NotJessePinkmanFFS - 10/9/2012 06:06 - United States - Norwalk

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Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

By pregz - 25/4/2013 00:18 - United States - Vancouver

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Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

By fuckkkkk - 17/5/2015 06:31 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML

By Anonymous - 5/4/2013 22:58 - Israel - Netanya

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3821

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

By disneyworld - 14/2/2010 05:49 - United States

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Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

By dumb dancer - 5/12/2014 01:54 - United States - Saginaw

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Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

By ifeelfat - 17/6/2014 20:44 - United States

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Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

By Ashley Youngman - 16/6/2019 20:04

991

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Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

By CaoiiBieber - 17/7/2011 19:15 - Ireland

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Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML

By KayDayParade - 28/8/2011 00:38 - United States

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Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

By laundryduty - 15/6/2019 20:14

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Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML

By NoWedding - 10/2/2009 22:30 - United States

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Today, my entire family came over for thanksgiving. It went pretty well, only four family members got in a fist fight and only one cop car was called. FML

By guy - 25/11/2011 02:49 - United States

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Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

By sexychica - 21/7/2009 17:45 - United States

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Today, I jokingly tried to convince my girlfriend that Wyoming was a government conspiracy and did not exist. She believed me. FML

By whaleninjapoop - 6/12/2012 08:24 - United States - Raleigh

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Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

By uncomfortable - 12/3/2009 00:20 - Canada

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Today, my sister gave me a early Christmas present. It's lice. FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 19:12

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