By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 07:59

Zoom off

Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Commando

This is us

By Anonymous - Denmark - N?rresundby

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

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By Sapphirlinda - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

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By WanstinChurchHill - United States

Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML

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By hipprep83 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

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By tammy - United States - Inglewood

Today, while cashiering at the drug store, I saw my ex-boyfriend, who I'm still completely in love with. Being the only cashier, I had to ring him up. He was buying condoms. FML

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By airhead2015 - United States - Morristown

Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML

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By WonderWall09 - United States

Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 00:01

Mystery Girl

Today, I found out that my girlfriend actually broke up with me a week ago. Apparently, she thought it wasn't necessary to tell me, she just assumed I'd figure it out on my own. FML

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By asthma_attacker - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

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By slapstick1982

Perfect contraceptive

Today, I realized that my wife is on her 3rd month using an IUD. The side effect is nonstop bleeding. I haven't had sex with her since she got it. I'd say this contraceptive is working perfectly. FML

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By Tyto - United States - Lewes

Today, I learned that the only reason my girlfriend stayed with me is because I drove us to school every morning. FML

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By Sweet Jesus - 18/6/2020 14:02

NCIS: Dumbass Response Team

Today, when my almost-16-year-old asked if the 9-1-1 phone number was named after 9/11, I forgave her because she wasn't even born when it happened, but when my 18-year-old asked if jelly comes from jellyfish, I wondered if I've failed as a parent. FML

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By storyofmylife - Canada - Truro

Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said, "Do you know who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world?" I prepared myself for a cute compliment, until he showed me a picture of another girl. FML

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By squirts

Today, I arrived home after leaving for college in August. My dad figured that the most appropriate way to welcome me back was a loud, piercing fart right when I walked through the front door. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

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By BarryShitpeas - United Kingdom - Cranbrook

Today, my enjoyment of popping bubble wrap was yet again ruined by my excessive OCD tendencies. FML

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By Rich - United States

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

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By bdogge99 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was at the dentist. During my check-up, he recommended a dermatologist. FML

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By hopelesscollegestudent - Canada

Today, I asked my college chemistry teacher for some much-needed help. Instead of explaining anything to me, she scoffed that if I don't understand something, I should "just Google it." FML

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By Meg - United States

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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By GHEttoUp

Today, my husband and I are temporarily moved into a cheap apartment in town until settlement for the house we are buying. So far, from my balcony, I’ve a watched a drug deal take place and a man scratch at the ground then lick his hands. It’s going to be a long three weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 08:00

Not so special

Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML

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By foreveryoung - France

Today, a weird guy approached me and started asking me many questions. I didn't know how to get out of this situation, so I suddenly ran away shouting, "Stranger danger! " I'm 21. FML

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By BadBribe - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

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By lmastr64 - France

Today, I sit here in agonizing pain because of a scoliosis surgery. I have a bunch of painkillers that I need to suppress this incredible back pain. Looks like I can't take any. My mom has hidden them from me because she THINKS I need to be taken off them. I wish my doctor were here. FML

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By princev - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

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By OhNo. - United States

Today, I had a job interview, but I arrived kind of late. I was in so much of a hurry that I hit a woman walking by in the face with the door. I offered to drive her to the hospital. Turns out that she was going to be interviewing me. She didn't offer to reschedule. FML

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By Notcheating

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo.

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By Anonymous - United States - Williamsburg

Today, after finally falling asleep, my boyfriend woke me up and got extremely mad at me. My offense? My pillow was touching his side of the bed. After yelling at me, he's now sleeping on the couch, and I'm lying in bed wide awake. FML

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By spandexwiener - United States - Export

Today, I finally finished my summer assignments for three AP classes. My schedule also arrived. Turns out my school can't place me in any of them, and I just wasted the last four weeks of my summer. FML

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By animal lover...

Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML

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By traumatizedforlife - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get to class at 9:00 to take a test. I woke up at 6:00, and figured I could wait a few minutes before getting ready. The next thing I knew, it was 10:30. FML

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By random - United States - El Paso

Today, at the gym, my boobs were jiggling more than the girl next to me. This would be a good thing, if I wasn't a guy. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7954451 - Thursday 26 November 2020 9:55

Fuck leaf blowers and the fucking fuckers that use them!

They don't pick up leaves -- they just move them around and pollute the air with dried dogshit. Fuck 'em!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7954648 - Friday 27 November 2020 11:18

Fucking hell, Pencil! Watch what you fucking say! There could be kids reading this fucking stuff, and all they'll fucking see is your fucking comment full of "fuck this, fuck that, fuck you", and they'll fucking repeat to their parents who will get really fucking angry about some guy who went on a fucking rant about a fucking leaf blower!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7954451 - Thursday 26 November 2020 9:55

Fuck leaf blowers and the fucking fuckers that use them!

They don't pick up leaves -- they just move them around and pollute the air with dried dogshit. Fuck 'em!

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7954648 - Friday 27 November 2020 11:18

Fucking hell, Pencil! Watch what you fucking say! There could be kids reading this fucking stuff, and all they'll fucking see is your fucking comment full of "fuck this, fuck that, fuck you", and they'll fucking repeat to their parents who will get really fucking angry about some guy who went on a fucking rant about a fucking leaf blower!