Pizza Time

Today, I gave up my seat on the subway for an elderly man. He thanked me by grabbing my ass. FML

Does it taste good?

British Broadcasting Corporation

Headache

By Groped - 2/4/2011 00:45 - United States

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5196

Today, a coworker was telling me he was lonely and needed someone special in his life. I replied, "Why don't you find yourself a girlfriend?" He looked at me weird and said, "I'm gay." FML

By Anonymous - 20/3/2020 03:30

Yeah, that probably wouldn't work

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442

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

By LifeLikeLemons - 14/11/2016 23:51 - United States - Phoenix

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Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML

By ANNIEDBD - 23/3/2012 09:44 - Ireland - Dublin

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Today, after a huge row with my best friend at school, I hid myself away in the bathroom and quietly sobbed to myself. A kid loudly busted into the stall next to me and took a minute-long shit that sounded like a hailstorm of bullets. The putrid stench made me retch and violently throw up everywhere. FML

By Amy - 1/4/2011 01:46 - United States

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Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

By It's a foot long - 3/9/2018 03:30

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Today, I found out that when they put "Take with food" on the side of antibiotics, what they really mean is "Take with food because this stuff is gonna liquefy everything in your G.I. tract, and make you have to run out of the middle of calculus for the worst diarrhea ever." FML

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 15:36 - United States

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Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

By thisucks - 28/1/2010 13:59 - Canada

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Today, I'd finally reached my goal weight. I went into the office where my husband was, to show him the new size 8 jeans I'd bought. He responded with "I wouldn't buy any more clothes, you'll be putting the weight back on again soon." FML

By gretel - 16/9/2010 13:17 - Australia

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Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2017 04:30

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Today, I was driving behind a UPS truck. All of a sudden his back door opens up exposing some boxes ready to fall out. Like a good driver I speed up to drive beside him to tell him. He thought I was trying to cut him off so he accelerated. A box flies out and dents my windshield. FML

By Anon - 6/6/2009 05:10 - United States

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Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

By pyrogypsy - 24/10/2014 01:05 - United States - Seattle

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Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

By Megannn - 1/5/2012 23:43 - United States

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Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 21:07 - Czech Republic - Prague

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Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

By danyelicindereli - 29/5/2009 03:41 - United States

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Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

By WronglySad619 - 26/1/2011 10:31 - United States

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Today, I just let out all my feeling for a woman that I have loved for 22 years. When I finished she said "You're so funny" and walked away. FML

By diskdude13 - 15/10/2009 01:48 - United States

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Today, I painted the guest bathroom. Once finished, I noticed the paint splatters on my arms matched my lily white chalky skin. Paint matches me better than my makeup. Guess I need a different paint, and new make up. FML

By trashed - 30/3/2017 03:00 - United States - North Las Vegas

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Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2013 16:33 - Japan - Tokyo

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Today, my long-distance boyfriend got extremely drunk and insisted that we ran the Skype call all night so it was like I was there with him. I woke up to the sound of him vomiting loudly at 3am. FML

By Amy (grossed out) - 27/4/2014 13:43 - Australia - Adelaide

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Today, I was called into my 17-year-old son's high school. Why? Because it was Wednesday, also known as "Hump Day" and his friends managed to convince him that you're supposed to go around and hump people. FML

By Judy - 19/9/2012 23:33 - United States - Altoona

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Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

By ilovepancakes - 20/9/2016 00:29 - United States - Rolling Meadows

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Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

By Fennec - 11/8/2014 19:05 - France - Paris

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Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

By sadlysingle - 21/2/2014 08:04 - United States - Rockwall

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Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

By Rich - 26/11/2011 20:50 - United States

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Today, I found out that my friends all think, "Don't worry about it" means "It's free." I'm a few thousand dollars in debt and they back each other like a gang. Never mind all the Aussies who say it means, "Pay slowly." FML

By Will - 23/4/2019 02:00

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Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

By llaurenmariee - 4/8/2012 11:35 - United States

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Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2013 21:58 - United States - Reno

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Today, it became apparent that my father knows more about my boyfriend than I do because he spends so much time interrogating him. FML

By over prtective father - 24/6/2014 04:35 - United States - Washington

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Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

By ldn - 21/3/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

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Today, while helping a child through a tantrum, I was kicked and my hand broke. The bone is completely in half and fixing it will require plates, screws, and surgery along with months of recovery. Another day on the job. FML

By aaaa - 25/9/2018 17:30

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Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

By MCKilllerrr - 18/1/2011 05:05 - United States

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Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. In an ambulance. On the way to the hospital after being T-boned at an intersection. FML

By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 00:31

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Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 17:45 - United States

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Today, I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2009 04:19 - United States

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Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

By candie - 27/8/2011 02:10 - United States

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Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream "YEAH" "WOO HOO" and "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing Amazing Grace in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

By RadioactiveKush - 1/3/2015 07:07 - United States - Monroe

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Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

By betterpianist - 29/11/2016 21:04 - United States

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Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 23:37 - Australia - Mona Vale

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