Pizza Time

Today, I was walking in the park when I heard some boys shouting behind me. As I turned around they poured a bucket of red liquid over my head. They thought I was someone they knew. I wasn't. And i was wearing a $200 white dress. Red dye doesn't come out of white dresses. FML

Lockdown is driving us down

Spooky

TMI

By anon - 21/4/2009 08:32 - United Kingdom

83950

4909

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 08:34 - Lebanon

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5606

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2017 23:15 - Croatia - Zagreb

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781

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

By it's v - 17/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Denver

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285

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

By princess_stabitty - 1/8/2020 08:01

Jealousy

1456

151

Today, one of my friends was playing with a laser pointer. When he pointed it in my direction, I swatted at it away like it was a bug. Apparently, I'm part cat. FML

By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 14:00

Mr Whiskers

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295

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

By PrestonW - 9/2/2011 15:53

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Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML

By Amanda Ross - 18/11/2010 23:12 - United States

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Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

By lulu - 11/2/2012 10:19 - United States

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Today, I was hanging out with my friends when I tripped and a chair rolled over my foot, breaking a bone. A friend, who didn't believe me, then dogpiled on top of me and laughed as I screamed. FML

By Dude_Stop - 27/3/2017 18:00

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275

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2017 00:30

Corolla Conspiracy

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497

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

By NAT - 3/1/2016 16:15 - United States - Gaffney

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Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 07:45 - Australia - Perth

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Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

By Jen - 20/10/2016 16:32

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604

Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 18:31 - France

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Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML

By OwMyBalls - 12/2/2012 06:17

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Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML

By ulrika - 24/7/2016 01:09 - United States - Jacksonville

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Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

By shots shots shots - 12/2/2013 07:41 - United States - Redlands

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Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

29484

4200

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

By SmokedSalmon - 13/2/2009 00:54 - United States

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Today, my husband bought me XL pajamas for my birthday. I got really angry, telling him that's obviously not my size. I tried them on just to show him how ridiculous they look. They fit. FML

By middleagednurse - 14/1/2015 17:49 - United States - Miami

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Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on Facebook. FML

By poked - 6/3/2011 00:24 - United States

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Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

By writer4life - 17/1/2010 05:30 - United States

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Today, I earned the nickname of "Harry Potter" for all the wrong reasons. I got locked in a storage cupboard for most of my shift, and couldn't get out. FML

By You're Not a Wizard - 30/6/2016 12:29

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Today, my friends decided to throw a going away party because I'm moving. It would have been great if I had actually been invited. FML

By rcarn - 12/6/2015 14:25 - United States - Leesburg

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Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 23:01

Like the beginning of a porno

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996

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

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Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

By Ew. - 9/4/2012 15:22 - United Kingdom

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Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 20:33 - United States

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Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2014 01:40 - Canada

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Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

By sandi519 - 13/3/2012 03:10 - United States

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Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML

By Earplugged - 25/1/2015 05:01 - United States - Vancouver

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2142

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

By justwantingtohelp - 16/8/2013 05:02 - United States - Highland

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Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself, I got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying "your cat is fat". FML

By Noname - 3/2/2009 02:36 - United States

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Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2010 21:34 - United States

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Today, I drove my car and suddenly I got diarrhea & shit my pants. I put a plastic bag under me to not let all the shit go through my pants and get to my seat. Then, one of my work mates saw my car and came to say hello, she saw all the shit and the plastic bag. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 03:00

No exit! No choice!

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261

Today, my boyfriend asked me to start using a period tracker app so I can tell him which week of each month he needs to "stay the hell away" from me. FML

By Anonymous - 14/8/2015 13:19 - Netherlands - Den Haag

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Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

By socially awkward - 10/3/2012 06:00 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

By caligirl921 - 11/12/2010 06:00 - United States

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