Today, I had to do my laundry. Being too lazy to separate them into different colors, or even check the pockets of my jeans, I threw everything I own into one load. Turns out I had left a tin of lip balm in one of my pockets. My whole wardrobe is now covered in spots that won't come out. FML
Scare or be scared.
Today, I don't know, I guess I'm just tired. Like everything I have done has been for nothing. Yet I can't seem to quit, it's like this is what I was meant for, to just suffer, I had absolutely nothing to do on a Thursday, All I do is go to the gym and come home, and just watch the paint dry. FML
I'm just gonna walk away now...
Today, I bought noise-canceling headphones because my neighbors are loud. The first night I wore them, I completely missed the sound of my smoke alarm battery dying. Instead of hearing a faint beep every minute, I woke up to six missed calls from my roommate asking why I wasn't answering. FML
Today, I ended up missing all my Zoom classes because I had the audacity to stay up all night and build an epic Minecraft fortress. And then I accidentally deleted it. FML
Rude but fair.
Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. They found her on the roof, threatening to kill herself. I had to pretend to sound scared and sad over the phone, but in reality, the only emotion I could feel was extreme joy. FML
Today, my son, who I admit has a temper, met his cousins from France for the first time. Straight away he lost his temper, but before I could step in, his younger cousin knocked him out cold with a right hook, looked me dead in the eye and said, “That’s how you get a bitch under control.” FML
Today, I was giving a friend a ride to a party and I followed Google Maps blindly. After 25 minutes of driving, we pulled into a cemetery. The GPS cheerfully announced, “You’ve arrived at your destination.” I suppose it is in a way, but we didn't plan on being early to THAT party. FML
Today, we went to couples' counselling. After a while the therapist said to me, “Madam, since we've started, your husband has managed two full sentences without you interrupting him, and most of what you said was, frankly, childish whining.” I'm starting to realise I might be the problem. FML
Today, I opened a bag of flour a little too enthusiastically and it blew up. The resulting cloud of flour set off my smoke alarm. My neighbors then came knocking, wondering if the building was on fire, while I stood there looking like I'd been pranked by a baker. FML
Today, we were at a friend’s birthday party and it was time to sing Happy Birthday. My crush was there. Wanting to impress him, I started out-singing everyone with runs and riffs. Someone said, “It’s just Happy Birthday, it’s not that serious, wannabe American Idol.” Everyone, including him, laughed. FML
Today, I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend I’m not happy with him anymore. I need advice about how to do it. FML
Today, I nearly burnt a hole in my esophagus because I couldn’t stand my dad’s taunts about me not being able to stomach ghost pepper hot sauce. Irony is a cruel bitch. FML
Today, my friend, her husband, their baby and I went to a baseball game. The lady next to us asked if her and his kid was mine and her husband's kids. She's 5 years older than me and a different race. FML
Today, I ordered custom birthday balloons online. The company printed my age as 82 instead of 28. The balloons arrived on the morning of the party, and there wasn't enough time to replace them. My guests spent the evening asking about my "remarkable longevity." FML
Today, I was taking a nap on my floor. I live with my family and it was a hot summer day. Woke up in a weird position, drooling and wearing only a bra and mini shorts. I looked up and saw my thirteen year-old sister and her friends chilling all around my room. I tried to yell at them but my voice was too rusty. FML
Today, I found out that my grandma passed away the morning of my wedding a couple of days ago and my (soon-to-be ex) husband and so-called family all conspired to keep it a secret from me so as not to upset me. FML
Today, after I used the try-on foundation feature online and it matched, I'd bought it but it was way too light. I then found out that it wasn’t the right foundation and because I had used it, I couldn’t get a refund. I went back to buy the right foundation but my shade was out of stock. FML
Watch me!
Today, thanks to my habit of peeing in the shower, I accidentally peed in the bath. FML
Today, I went into to shake a big wig's hand at work, and he went in for a hug. I couldn't pull my hand away fast enough, so I cupped his entire titty for at least 10 seconds. FML
Oof.
Today, I was looking for a tiny little container I use to keep my medication dosages when I travel. I checked just about every place I could think of, so where did I finally find it? Behind the wide open closet door. It had fallen out of my travel bag, which I'd used last week, and rolled behind the tiny nook it made. FML
Today, I realised the project I’ve been tirelessly working on for 6 months is actually going to cost the company $380,000. I thought the negative symbol was a saving, not a loss. I'm a senior analyst for the company, or at least… I was. FML
Today, I learned to never eat chicken wings, loaded mashed potatoes with sour cream, cheese, bacon, ranch, and bubbly soda prior to a esthetician appointment. I had uncontrollable gas and made the most foul smelling farts in her face while she was trying to wax my butthole. I was asked to leave. FML
Today, I found out that my dad has a therapist. That's cool. What's cooler is that she's a very nice lady, and even said to ME that I could talk too if I wanted to. Boy, do I want to. But if I did, then she would probably need a therapist herself, and the last thing my dad needs is his therapist needing a therapist. FML
Today, I was hungover the day of my cousin's wedding and fell asleep in the limo. I woke up to everyone telling me we had arrived, so I got out and started mingling. It took me a minute to realise I didn’t know anyone. Those bastards had dropped me at someone else’s wedding as a prank and drove off. FML
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