Wild Week

Today, I got a call from a friend asking why I didn't tell him I was engaged. I'm not, but I wish I was. Rumours about my life seem to be better than the reality. FML

Out of it

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Noise

By WhenRumoursAreBetterThanReality - 26/6/2014 11:35 - Australia - Belconnen

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Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2019 06:00 - Australia - Carlton

2300

Phew, glad it wasn't me

364

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

By Dimples - 3/1/2013 11:35 - United States - Sanford

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Today, after recently quitting a terrible job which made me miserable, I went to my first work meeting at my new job. I was excited to start fresh and meet my new coworkers. Instead, I met my boyfriend's extremely jealous ex-girlfriend. She didn't look excited to see me. FML

By kitkat3308 - 30/3/2015 05:06 - United States - Lees Summit

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Today, I had to get two teenagers to stop playing bumper cars with the electric scooters at the grocery store I work at. I'm seventeen, and they don't pay me enough for this. FML

By pat3212 - 11/8/2016 22:56 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 14:18 - United States

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Today, I had my first orgasm. I also came to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups for at least half an hour afterwards. FML

By hiccups - 3/11/2012 15:52 - United States - New York

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Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

By masterdisaster - 11/4/2009 04:07 - United States

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Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop where my boyfriend and I used to go before he broke up with me about a week ago. I was missing him and wishing he was there, when all of a sudden this 14-year-old kid comes up to me and says, "He's not coming, you may as well go home." FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2014 23:03 - Canada - Sackville

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Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

By YouDontSay - 10/5/2015 15:35 - Ireland - Dublin

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Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

By snotface - 23/4/2009 19:47 - United States

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Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

By notexactly - 23/4/2009 07:36 - United States

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Today, I found out that I owe the government money and that the amount will increase if I miss the deadline 2 months ago. FML

By educatedreptile - 9/12/2016 16:21 - Canada - Yorkton

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Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2014 21:03 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 03:27 - United States

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Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2015 19:00 - United States

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Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

By cargaljen - 7/8/2011 05:29 - United States

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Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

By dudezilla - 13/10/2009 15:52 - United States

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Today, I shared an elevator alone with an attractive co-worker. On our way up, she let out a loud, noxious rip. She covered her nose and mouth while giving me an accusing look, as I said with a straight face, "Excuse you." Later, I received a note from HR for harassment. FML

By The Draught of Living Death - 17/7/2018 15:00

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Today, my 19 year old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 03:54 - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

By Unreciprocated - 25/2/2016 06:12 - Canada - Hamilton

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Today, my girlfriend berated me for my "lack of communication skills", all while deeply engrossed with something on her phone. FML

By hopeless - 14/2/2015 20:04 - Canada - Halifax

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Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday and I had overheard my friends planning it all week. Nobody was there. It turns out the party they were planning was for my friend's dog's birthday. FML

By sheryl_m - 9/4/2009 15:11 - United States

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Today, as usual, my mom got shitfaced and started berating me for something. This time, it was for missing a therapy appointment. Not only am I unable to drive, it was her appointment. For her alcoholism. FML

By the only sober one - 15/5/2013 06:21 - United States - San Diego

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Today, I managed to convince the girl of my dreams to stop being so shy, and put herself out there to get her crush to make a move. It worked. And yet as it turns out, I'm not her crush after all. FML

By heartbroken - 30/3/2011 00:15 - United States

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Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

By Hannah - 17/6/2011 21:24 - Ireland

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Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

By MathTeacher - 2/5/2011 14:30 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend was shaving his beard in the bathroom when I left. An hour later, I found him exasperated after having shaved half his body. I had to help him shave every nook and cranny left because he said he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. Yes, his bumhole too. FML

By NothowIimaginedmyday - 3/10/2015 04:00 - United States

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Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My daughter's $11 One Direction poster. What will it cost to fix my car? $1,000. FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:58 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

By booty backfire - 1/5/2014 17:31 - United States

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Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

By Freechbear - 17/9/2011 17:21 - United States

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Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2015 14:45 - United Kingdom - Leicester

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Today, a professor approached me in the hall to ask if, since I'm a math major, I could tutor one of her communications majors in a required Calculus course. Apparently the volunteer tutor the school provides "is a complete dumbass." I'm the school's volunteer tutor. FML

By bastawhiz - 18/9/2009 02:23 - United States

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Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

By gerbilmaster - 9/7/2015 21:12 - United States - Lynnwood

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Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

By dank meme - 11/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Chicago

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Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

By login_eddy - 17/9/2010 18:37 - France

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Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

By InsultToInjury - 28/12/2018 04:00

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Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 00:24 - United States

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Today, while riding the bus, I saw my ex-girlfriend get on. Despite several seats being open, she specifically sat next to me. I was at first happy, thinking she might want to make up. Nope, she instead blocked me in with her bag and spent the entire time showing me pictures of her new lover's dick. FML

By "skinnydick" - 19/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Clifton Park

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Today, I got left in the middle of slow dancing with a girl I liked. She came back and said, "Sorry, I had to make sure the guy I really like knows that I don't like you." FML

By Greg - 11/2/2013 04:01 - United Kingdom

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