Building Fail

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML

Walk on the wild side

Free healthcare for all

My ex the dumbass

By WaffleMan - United States - Stirling

15216

48616

Today, I went to this coffee shop in town that has a fire pit outdoors with my boyfriend. I threw out the idea of sitting by the fire together, and he responded by telling me that his father and dog died in a house fire when he was young. FML

By Sunny - United States - Milwaukee

Awkward...

2737

248

Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML

By top dog! - Australia

40394

2923

Today, I took a legitimate IQ test and got a score of 80. My parents both have IQ scores above Einstein’s. FML

By nasuma

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

1384

272

Today, I decided to bleach my belly hair. I bought some body hair bleach at the drug store, and I used it exactly as instructed. When I removed it, I was horrified to see my belly was about three shades lighter than the rest of my body. The hair was still exactly the same darkness. FML

By spleechick - United States

18273

24550

Today, I slept over at my friend's house. Her dad made breakfast for us. While fixing a plate, my friend said, "Careful, my dad clips his nails in the kitchen." She said it with a sarcastic, joking tone, and laughed afterwards. While eating, I found a toenail in my food. Her response? "I told you." FML

By sleepysophie - United States - Helena

50517

5542

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

By Talkingbeforethinking

1633

585

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend. We'd just got our food when my dad walks in, comes up to our table and says, "I didn't say you could leave, you're too young to be dating him", then drags me out of the restaurant. We are both 15, and it was my first date. FML

By Fresca11 - United States

46397

14005

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

By Anonymous

1748

137

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

By baseball25635 - United States

11404

40311

Today, some guys were doing construction on my house, when one of them came over and started asking me about my "hot sister". That "sister" is my 13-year-old daughter. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

55978

4413

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Avon

47233

3535

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

By stuckass - Pakistan

20876

1508

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Paramus

72029

9514

Today, I was invited to my boyfriend's house for dinner for the first time. His mom made a fantastic dinner, so I showed my appreciation by eating the lot. Apparently I was overdoing it because when I looked up everyone was staring. His dad muttered, "Slow the hell down." FML

By OhMeGerd - United States - Scottsdale

15404

28862

Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, "And your mum?" Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mum died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, "She still in the same graveyard?" FML

By Virginiedetibo - France

19654

51323

Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

By Anonymous - United States

75147

4602

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

By shitless88 - United States

32762

4242

Today, £250 of money belonging to work was stolen from my handbag. My boss says I have to pay it back because I'm the one that signed out the cash. There goes the holiday I was about to book. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Staycation time

6245

999

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Englewood

43935

8270

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

By losingit - United States

84046

3792

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

By waxinghorror - United States

61483

9209

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Macon

24255

2432

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

By person_r - Norway

64500

12559

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

By ginny - United States

39076

8194

Today, I was complaining to my nana about why I can’t get a date. She proceeded to point out my appearance, lack of brains, abrasive personality, poor clothing choices, tacky tattoos, and so on. Thanks nana. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 08:00

Emotional support

422

1055

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

By jazzybell - United States

27188

6706

Today, I got a hamster against my wife's will. I can't wait until she wakes up and I have to tell her it's loose in the house. FML

By I love my furry babies

668

2446

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

By Jordid - United States

62595

4184

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

By anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

30576

3227

Today, I pulled up to a red light. My ex was in the next car, and my car's windows are so tinted that you can't see through them, so I flipped him off. I was driving my mom's car. FML

By queenbitch - United States - Dearborn

15843

30548

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

By Fmyapp - United States

12469

45968

Today, when I got out of the shower, my mother, my boyfriend, and 3 of my friends confronted me for an intervention. My problem? They think I'm a workaholic. What they don't know is that I lost my job 4 weeks ago. I stay up all night filling out job applications. FML

By anonymous

Next, on A&E…

1700

178

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

By preggers - United States

37302

3609

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

By bambam - United States - League City

64227

6205

Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML

By thanks, my fellow americans - United States - Woodlyn

47600

13592

Today, I realized I could say nothing in my home without being interrupted, talked over, or the subject derailed into a 30 minutes monologue by my housemates. And they wonder why I'm so quiet all the time… FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 20:59 - United States - Pittsburgh

Our house, in the middle of our street

979

101

Today, my mother told me how she managed to afford all of the expensive Christmas presents we got. She took out extra money when applying for my student loans. FML

By swimmonster81

22717

1554

Today, it's my first day of high school. It's also my first day of a three-day in-school suspension. The reason? I sat next to a girl and she immediately got up and told the teacher that she didn't "feel safe". FML

By raiden

3809

200