Building Fail

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

Hello everyone!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Creepy

By Not Engaged - 6/3/2015 23:30 - United Kingdom - Stourbridge

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Today, in a store, an obnoxious woman, swearing loudly and slapping at her out-of-control kids, was disrupting the whole place. I said to the cashier, "That nasty woman should leave the brats at home." She gave me a filthy look and said "Do you mind? That's my sister." FML

By oops - 30/11/2011 14:15 - United Kingdom

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Today, while doing my disabled client's makeup I got my period. I'm hoping that she didn't notice a red stain on her white bedspread when I stood up. FML

By "mindy12182" - 29/12/2018 17:00 - United States - Des Moines

2269

Phew, glad it wasn't me

566

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

By PizzaPants - 29/2/2016 18:12 - United States - Denver

19598

1994

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

By Ohgodhelpme - 25/10/2018 03:00

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691

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

By Anonyme - 26/9/2014 06:56 - France - Saint-di

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Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

By Itchy Missy - 10/9/2014 03:38 - United States - Denver

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Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

By cwhitney7 - 22/12/2014 15:04 - United States - Waltham

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Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He claimed it wasn't cheating because he's not romantically attracted to her. FML

By why - 16/3/2015 01:10 - United States - Tucson

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Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML

By phonnah - 20/6/2012 17:59 - United States - Bowie

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Today, I nervously went to the store to buy condoms for the first time. I felt like everything was going well, and checked out happily. As I was walking out, the cashier lady said to the woman next in line, "He thinks he's going to need condoms." They both looked at me and started laughing. FML

By well crap... - 21/6/2020 14:18

Running commentary

1852

155

Today, I was so bored with my job at McDonald's that I actually hoped someone would come in and make a huge mess for me to clean. No one did. FML

By Ophelia - 22/11/2012 05:44 - United States - Albuquerque

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Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 15:34 - United States - Lexington

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Today, at work, my manager fell in front of an entire lobby full of people on a wet floor. I'm the only one who burst out laughing. Turns out she has a broken arm. FML

By klm878 - 13/11/2010 04:10 - United States

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Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML

By Nightmare - 15/1/2013 14:41

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Today, as I came home from school, I saw a little rock in the road. I kicked it, intending to send it sailing into the bushes in front of my house. It went wide and sailed straight into a window instead. FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2014 18:00 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

By tsukinoie - 2/2/2014 06:33 - United States

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Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 18:18 - United States

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Today, my trunk froze shut with my Christmas presents inside. Since it was still shut, I went to the store. When I came out, some ice had melted and the trunk had popped open. All of my gifts were gone. FML

By wheresmysweater - 28/12/2012 03:49 - United States - Raleigh

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Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

By Fmylife.25 - 3/9/2010 19:56 - United States

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Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

By crybaby - 28/6/2016 17:54 - United States - Seattle

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806

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

By Anonymous - 17/6/2015 14:12 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

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Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

By naas1201 - 10/5/2020 23:00

It's not working

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245

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having a terrible love life for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML

By Anonymous - 15/5/2009 15:18 - United States

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Today, I saw my unemployed 29-year-old son, who still lives with us, reading the work section of the newspaper and prayed that he was looking for a job. He was looking for the comics. FML

By JT - 12/4/2011 14:19 - Canada

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Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

By Jonathan - 13/10/2008 08:27

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Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

By aww, such a nice guy. NOT - 25/5/2014 17:46 - United States - Dodge City

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Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

By anonymous - 23/11/2010 09:32

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Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 19:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

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Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone across the room and into the wall because he couldn't be bothered to pick up or hang up an incoming call. FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 19:42 - United States

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Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML

By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 17:58 - United States

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Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

By damgoose - 15/6/2009 04:13 - United States

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Today, I was bored and all alone while cleaning at work. This led me to start passionately doing a ballet dance in the empty corridor. I promptly stopped as I remembered the surveillance cameras. FML

By secret dancer - 16/8/2011 16:55 - Sweden

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Today, my mom let my younger brother borrow my car. He managed to crash it through the garage door. While I was in another country. Somehow, I manage to get berated by my mom because I'm not doing enough to make my brother feel better about him having an accident involving my car and my house. FML

By Micmicmic - 15/4/2017 04:00 - Belgium - Brussels

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326

Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML

By Anonymous - 11/3/2013 02:47 - United States - Louisville

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Today, as I walked on to the bus, the girl I liked whispered something to her friend. Curious, I asked what was so funny. She said she never realized that when I got on, I shook the bus. FML

By Nat3_2020 - 27/1/2015 14:02 - United States

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Today, it was my first day at a new school. I pulled into the parking lot and saw this really cute guy. I was checking him out in my rear view mirror. When I looked ahead, there was something in the road, so I swirved real hard and took down an entire wooden fence. That something was a plastic bag. FML

By Distracted - 13/8/2009 12:18 - United States

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Today, I found a video on my boyfriend's phone of him getting a blowjob. When I confronted him, he panicked and claimed it was me in the video. Then he tried to say it was from before we met, even though in the video he was wearing the watch I bought him for his birthday 3 days ago. FML

By Anonymous - 29/9/2018 03:00

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Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

By kerdersty - 30/5/2011 03:27 - Canada

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