Cooking Struggles

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML

The X Factor

"Based on your purchase history…"

Dad of the year

By j - United States

9581

56751

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

By crying over wasted milk - United States - Monterey Park

2233

246

Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML

By cadillacfrank - United States

12781

36454

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

By me - United States

33129

5173

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

23938

2259

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

4980

2173

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

By latino - United States

11498

43534

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. I recognized him. He's the guy that broke into my car and stole my backpack two weeks ago. FML

By i stole your daughter's virginity anyways!!

5868

323

Today, I had to explain to a customer that 50% off a $50 item did not make the item free. FML

By idiots - United States - Fort Worth

42013

2758

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

By Opplyst11 - United States

83078

30396

Today, I found out I sleepwalk. How you might ask? By awakening the moment just before I fell from the stairs. I was better off sleeping. FML

By Eloy Ymer - Netherlands

28022

2553

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sleeping with his therapist behind my back. If that wasn't bad enough on its own, I'd talked him into starting therapy 6 months ago to help with his mental health troubles, and have been mostly paying for it. FML

By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 05:02

Unprofessional

1997

169

Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML

By AwkwardPotato - United States - Bakersfield

43816

3737

Today, I went on my first date in months. My mum had invited friends over, and when I told them I was going out on a date, my mum said "No you're not, don't lie. Who would go out with you?" FML

By Anonymous - Australia

36069

3085

Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

By lonesomegal - United States - Los Angeles

33287

2561

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

By liu_kang - United States

32068

7685

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

By Anonymous

58569

3625

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

By mog - United States

Office embarrassment

1333

830

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

By Anonymous - United States

8291

38572

Today, I told my boyfriend of three years that I wanted to get married and have a child within the next five years. He responded by packing up my things and showing me the door. FML

By rissa5214 - United States - Stoughton

26402

5869

Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I'm a girl. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37275

4417

Today, my dog disappeared for an hour. After calling her name repeatedly, she crawled out from under my bed, threw up on my feet, and then happily walked out the room. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30019

4143

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years said she was leaving me because recently I wasn't making much money, and was playing too many video games. I recently got a raise at my job of 5 years. The job? Testing video games. FML

By Eric Moore - United States

43472

3941

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

By datingfail - Australia - Northcote

12734

1107

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

By hardwarekit - United States - Fairport

29494

2904

Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient received a plastic urinal to use in his room. Most patients throw them away when they leave. He, however, decided to take it with him, and as he checked out, put it on the registration counter. Two feet from my face. It was used. FML

By CathyM - United States

25804

2780

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

By subtweetqueen - United States - Santa Clarita

13411

1208

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

By whoawhoawhoa - Canada

32404

4937

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

80587

8109

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

By Anonymous - United States

44308

6058

Today, my violent housemate qualified for a gun license. She picks up her bolt-action rifle on Wednesday. FML

By Help. - United Kingdom

31390

3146

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

By lowlife123 - United States - Manawa

43765

7405

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

By lunarboy - United States

11675

68645

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Canyon Country

36129

4549

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

By stephiew - United States

27593

2514

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

By last time I drive stoned - United Kingdom

8385

25830

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Murrieta

31475

13788

Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

By blah - United States - Frisco

20487

3485

Today, my mom and I took my senile grandmother to the mall, since she doesn't get out much. She complained it was hot, then took her clothing off in the middle of the food court. It took us thirty minutes to make her put her shirt back on. FML

By Sam - United States - Indianapolis

26366

2245