Love: Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite...

By anonymous - United States

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

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Love

Proactive

The smell detective is on the case

The asshats always win

By anon

Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML

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By likeyourboss - Denmark

Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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By Coolios - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I bumped into my parents at the mall. They didn't tell me they were around. I live 5,000 miles away, in a different country from them. FML

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By Noslo - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

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By unemployed - El Salvador - San Salvador

Today, my boss made me give a presentation to several senior company officials about the serious financial losses our division has made this year. Barely an hour later, my boss had palmed all the blame off onto me and gotten me fired. FML

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By weddingblues - United States

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Titusville

Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML

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By snowlover - United States - Fremont

Today, I was driving through the mountains and there was a chain requirement. I went to put them on and found a note where my chains used to be saying, "Have fun in a blizzard now bitch" from my ex. FML

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By missgayle319 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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By ThisPerson - Canada

Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

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By thanxguys - United States

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

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By musamalia - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's for the third time in a week for a huge growth under my jaw. I have seen an urgent care doctor, an emergency room doctor and an ear, nose and throat specialist who all gave me different diagnoses. I've so far spent $300. FML

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By imamomma - United States

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I spent 4 hours carefully cleaning the inside and outside of my car. Fairly proud of the job I had done, I parked my car safely in my garage. Later, I opened my garage to find bird shit all over my car. Apparently birds get nervous when they get trapped in garages. FML

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By prettylady? - United States

Today, I said "bless you" to a nice man who sneezed on the subway. That nice man has now followed me home and stood outside my apartment complex for two hours, claiming to be my "soulmate." FML

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By none - United States

Who said life was better before ?

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1 p.m., smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4 a.m., jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

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By Eet- - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

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By xtilltheendx - 5/10/2020 20:08 - United States

Thin walls

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

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By toolateabuckshort

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By bankergirl - United States

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

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By TheDumper - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By Frankie - 5/5/2021 00:01

Bad timing

Today, the company where I used to work at announced that there would be a staff reduction because of the low income caused by the pandemic. I just quit yesterday in favor of another job. All of my former workmates are getting paid their respective settlements because of this termination, while I'm not. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By KN - United States

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

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By nali1122

Burned!

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

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By metalmusic - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

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By sadass - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that my feet smell. He was in the next room at the time. FML

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By Clutz - United States

Today, after I had finished vacuuming, I ripped the cord out of the outlet and it hit me in the face cutting both my top and bottom lip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

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By JONNO

Today, I got fired from my position as a financial investor for giving a client the exact investment he asked for, even though the investment was out of my mandate, and I had gone to my direct manager to authorize the investment. My manager was promoted. FML

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By Jayman223 - United States - Reno

Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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By onlywantuanyway

Double standards

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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Top comments

By Occam | 0

#172071 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:47

You think that's bad, I did the same thing while eating a COCK.

By rukusrazor | 0

#172141 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:56

Women love chocolate, women love little kids. You're like the best of both worlds.

COMMENTS

By Occam | 0

#172071 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:47

You think that's bad, I did the same thing while eating a COCK.

brie3 | 0

#383840 - Friday 10 July 2009 5:49

lmao epic comment

xxbadassbitchxx | 0

#974489 - Monday 5 April 2010 16:06

lol

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5333699 - Monday 21 January 2013 20:02

A really embarassing moment! I said "ew" out loud when I read this. Cut him a break man, that had to suck.

By ragas | 0

#172075 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:48

oooo that sucks

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5333702 - Monday 21 January 2013 20:05

Agreed!! Unless... she liked chocolate drool... ;)

By Ridley_fml | 0

#172086 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:49

smooth chief

By dammn | 0

#172088 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:49

LOL DRY .

dymecoh | 2

#2025925 - Sunday 30 January 2011 17:32

or wet

By Kurmen | 0

#172091 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:49

Oh uncool

By Kurmen | 0

#172098 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:50

Oh uncool

By hhhhyoyoyo | 1

#172099 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:51

WAY TO GO 0-0

By greenman_fml | 0

#172116 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:53

Maybe she's into shit like that... as in shitting in people's mouths and shit. Worth a try.

By PureGold | 0

#172124 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:54

Embarrassing, but not FML worthy. Like, at all. =|

By Tehalon | 0

#172134 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:56

Did you mumble aswell? You should have played it off as being mentally disabled, she would have understood and you wouldnt have to feel ashamed.