Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite...

By anonymous - 5/5/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

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Love

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By InNeedOfFriends - 12/4/2013 00:00 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

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By EnglishLearner - 9/11/2012 16:23 - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By fucking financial ruin - 23/8/2013 18:21 - United States - New Bern

Today, my boyfriend and I were discussing sports injuries, and I mentioned that I pulled a muscle in my crotch last year. He snorted and called me a clueless idiot because according to him, "girls don't have crotches". He's a med student. I sense malpractice lawsuits in our future. FML

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By i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming - 3/1/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

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By R281780 - 14/2/2016 15:53 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

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By flexibleflatulance - 5/9/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML

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By ruffrider - 5/2/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

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By scammed - 29/8/2013 18:48 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out after spending my life's income on paying for my grandma's cancer treatment that she has been faking it. FML

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By tiptoesjohnson - 19/1/2012 23:26

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By Economess - 17/9/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks' odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I made the decision to quit smoking while I was driving in my car. So I took my pack, crushed it and threw it out the window. I felt triumphant about this change I was making in my life, until the cop I didn't know was behind me gave me a ticket for littering. FML

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By annoyed - 11/5/2016 11:40 - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML

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By Matt8 - 7/12/2012 01:07 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

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By DoggyBlues - 29/11/2011 01:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

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By Monkey - 31/7/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2018 08:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today seemed like a great day. Right up until the point to where I accidentally damaged a friend's MacBook Pro. Not only do I have to pay for it, but the only way I'll be able to afford it is by returning every single Christmas gift I get. FML

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By superdriver - 7/2/2011 17:46 - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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By what the actual fuck - 11/8/2012 16:38 - United States - Puyallup

Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 16:41 - Canada - London

Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

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By franzbiel - 31/10/2009 12:54 - Switzerland

Randy Daddy

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

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By anonymous - 11/6/2015 14:37 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 07:04 - United States

Today, I was at a house delivering pizza. As I walked away, I heard the mom mutter to her child, "That's why you go to college." FML

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By Tragics - 11/11/2009 18:53 - Canada

Today, my date sent me a text saying "I'm sorry we're running late, we will be there shortly." I replied asking what she meant by "we". She said her parents, who were coming along to chaperone. I laughed about two 27 year olds having chaperones, until she walked in with her parents. FML

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By KaLa - 8/2/2009 16:30 - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By confused_girl - 1/8/2013 05:10 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML

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By Shelly - 30/10/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

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By Cali girl - 3/4/2014 16:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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By FreeTacos_ - 28/10/2015 05:23 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I told my crush that I liked her a lot. She told me not to message her when I'm drunk. FML

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By noonotme - 5/9/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

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By embarrassed - 31/1/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 14:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad walked in to talk. He said I'm not the son he'd hoped for, and that he'd been let down as a father. He said I should change the way I am so that he could love me more. It was the longest conversation I've had with my dad in years. FML

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By NoPrivacy - 26/4/2012 10:44 - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

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By ava_henryy - 30/4/2013 08:04 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I had to be rushed to the hospital when I started sneezing uncontrollably and got a huge rash. It turns out I'm highly allergic to a chemical in most cleaning supplies. Great. I just got a job as a house cleaner for a very rich family. FML

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By Lonely - 18/3/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

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By unlucky - 5/8/2009 16:29 - South Africa

Today, I was talking with a close friend (who is a virgin) about why he did not want to have sex with a prostitute. He told me that "It's not nice to know that the girl you are having sex with has slept with half the country", he then added "That is exactly why I would not have sex with you". FML

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By Devotedmom - 10/1/2016 09:07 - Belgium - Li?ge

Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for my 16-year-old son. I put the cake on the table and went to call my son. "Surprise!" When I came back 30 seconds later, the cake was all gone and the dog was licking his lips. My son won't even believe I made a cake. FML

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By wow kid just leave me alone - 15/9/2012 00:03 - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 09:27 - Australia

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

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Top comments

By Occam | 0

#172071 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:47

You think that's bad, I did the same thing while eating a COCK.

By rukusrazor | 0

#172141 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:56

Women love chocolate, women love little kids. You're like the best of both worlds.

COMMENTS

By Occam | 0

#172071 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:47

You think that's bad, I did the same thing while eating a COCK.

brie3 | 0

#383840 - Friday 10 July 2009 5:49

lmao epic comment

xxbadassbitchxx | 0

#974489 - Monday 5 April 2010 16:06

lol

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5333699 - Monday 21 January 2013 20:02

A really embarassing moment! I said "ew" out loud when I read this. Cut him a break man, that had to suck.

By ragas | 0

#172075 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:48

oooo that sucks

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5333702 - Monday 21 January 2013 20:05

Agreed!! Unless... she liked chocolate drool... ;)

By Ridley_fml | 0

#172086 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:49

smooth chief

By dammn | 0

#172088 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:49

LOL DRY .

dymecoh | 2

#2025925 - Sunday 30 January 2011 17:32

or wet

By Kurmen | 0

#172091 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:49

Oh uncool

By Kurmen | 0

#172098 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:50

Oh uncool

By hhhhyoyoyo | 1

#172099 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:51

WAY TO GO 0-0

By greenman_fml | 0

#172116 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:53

Maybe she's into shit like that... as in shitting in people's mouths and shit. Worth a try.

By PureGold | 0

#172124 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:54

Embarrassing, but not FML worthy. Like, at all. =|

By Tehalon | 0

#172134 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:56

Did you mumble aswell? You should have played it off as being mentally disabled, she would have understood and you wouldnt have to feel ashamed.