By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 11:01

Keeping warm

Today, thanks to my habit of peeing in the shower, I accidentally peed in the bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

221

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1134

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Health

Gross

The end of the road

My body, my choice

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Tanner - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38322

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31493

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6624

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45374

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3128

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By names suck and so do I - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58073

You deserved it

10101

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24888

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75185

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By RosesAreRed - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26520

You deserved it

3611

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By Elgrin - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I woke up to something crawling on my leg. Thinking it might be a spider, I jumped out frantically to check. The good news: it's not a spider. The bad news: it's a bedbug. My apartment was just treated for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12784

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1410

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By Jordan - Jordan - Amman

Bugging out

Today, I wore a new shirt, but forgot to remove the price tag. It was kind of windy outside, so when I got outside, the tag hit me on the neck, I thought it was a giant insect attacking my neck. I started screaming like a little girl. I'm a 30 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27531

You deserved it

8416

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By PickYourselfUp - United States - Chesapeake

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40764

You deserved it

8594

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By Jacklyn - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé and I decided to have a romantic rendezvous on the trampoline in our backyard. Or at least it was romantic, until I accidentally rolled off and all but crushed our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13736

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20013

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33438

You deserved it

6644

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 17:02 - Poland - Polska

At will

Today, I was fired for asking HR to move me to another department, due to my manager's unethical behaviour against me. The alternative was shut up and look for another job. Which I have to do now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1530

You deserved it

114

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By catsonuincorns - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4416

You deserved it

225

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By Bleached_Eyes - United States - Pikesville

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7451

You deserved it

636

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By richkief76

Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML

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35864

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8304

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1036

You deserved it

507

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By bobbies - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

55549

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5945

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By DENTALITY - Norway

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28981

You deserved it

3637

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By BackToRehab - Canada

Today, I treated my mom to a movie and lunch after she'd attended weeks of AA meetings. She snuck in a flask to the movie, and during lunch, she started calling people muggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33986

You deserved it

3543

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By Anonymous

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18444

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27177

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By shrimp41 - United States

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

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46802

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16201

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By jf29 - United States

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9610

You deserved it

46610

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By Widowmaker - France

Today, I told my father I registered for the Marines, and that I'm leaving for bootcamp next week. He asked if this means that he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33313

You deserved it

3492

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By fnfantastic - United States - Warsaw

Today, I woke up with a vague memory of buying something last night while drunk. According to my credit card summary I made a $270 purchase from a home shopping channel. I guess in 5-7 days I'll find out what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11324

You deserved it

30147

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By wideeyeddays - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26390

You deserved it

1622

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46960

You deserved it

11278

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By anonymous - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38882

You deserved it

44975

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By ouch - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26761

You deserved it

3177

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By Bad parenting101 - United States - Denver

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9744

You deserved it

2192

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, I spent hours baking an apple pie to impress my future mother-in-law. I was especially proud of the fact I'd made the crust and filling myself. When I served it to her, she picked off the crust and, between mouthfuls, bitched that it was nothing like canned pie filling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28453

You deserved it

2079

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By misterhippo - United States

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64548

You deserved it

12176

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I spent two hours researching ways to fake my death, just so I can escape my crazy, overbearing stalker of a mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24431

You deserved it

2842

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By balloonface - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I finally treated myself and bought my first moisturizer. The woman at Sephora promised it would "retexturize my face." If by "retexturize" she meant, "make it feel like a rubber balloon," then she was right on the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19721

You deserved it

2292

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By humanshield - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20156

You deserved it

5094

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By Spanishredhead - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37042

You deserved it

3872

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By holycrap - United States

Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37710

You deserved it

2771

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By Blamethepostman

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8949

You deserved it

2762

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By Katsura - United States - Perrysburg

Today, my boyfriend wanted to get into an open relationship. He has no romantic feelings for me anymore, but he didn't want to separate from my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14057

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1358

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By jakeeey - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40042

You deserved it

10877

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By Anonymous - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

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43518

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7966518 - Saturday 23 January 2021 3:17

You're just a regular whiz-kid.

By Ambrily | 27

#7966461 - Friday 22 January 2021 20:33

Yeah, that's what I think they meant.

COMMENTS

By tounces7 | 27

#7966437 - Friday 22 January 2021 19:26

Same difference, so who cares?

Or did you actually pee in bathwater that you were currently sitting in? Because that would be pretty dumb.

Ambrily | 27

#7966461 - Friday 22 January 2021 20:33

Yeah, that's what I think they meant.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7966460 - Friday 22 January 2021 20:32

it's actually harmless and your own natural urea will be a hell of a great skin softener

By Chazzster | 20

#7966482 - Friday 22 January 2021 22:00

Harmless but disgusting...

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7966518 - Saturday 23 January 2021 3:17

You're just a regular whiz-kid.