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The all-time greatest FMLs

Superficial chud

By Saggy - 20/03/2023 04:00

Spicy

Today, I was ready to get intimate with my husband 7 months after giving birth to our son. He always made excuses as to why he couldn’t. Our marriage was on the rocks because of this, so when I sat him down to talk he admitted that to save this marriage I need to get a “tummy tuck” and a “breast lift.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 156

You deserved it 263

By Stressed - 24/09/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 155

You deserved it 151

Mrs Heckles?

By loud sweeper - 07/10/2019 06:00

Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 155

You deserved it 141

Keep in touch

By Anonymous - 01/11/2019 22:00

Today on my birthday, my wife thought it would be a good idea to get matching tattoos. Our tattoo artist happened to be her ex-boyfriend. I sat and listened to them talk about their relationship and how they should stay in touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 155

You deserved it 335

Exhausted

By Anonymous - 28/04/2019 12:00 - United States - Saint Joseph

Spicy

Today, I made plans with my boyfriend for some "alone time" after work. I then stepped on some black ice in the parking lot, landed on my head, and got sent to the ER. Per protocol, until cleared by a specialist, I am not permitted to work. Or drive. Or drink. Or do anything "strenuous". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 155

You deserved it 250

Crazy people

By NoHipster - 03/06/2020 05:02

Today, while I was waiting for a bus, a nutjob-looking dude walked up to me, then hissed, "You hipster scum, you don't even need those glasses," before forcibly removing them and snapping them in half. I was wearing regular clothes, and those prescription glasses cost me $500. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 155

You deserved it 150

Germ warfare

By phantom-yamato - 01/05/2020 17:00

Today, I accidentally scanned a customer’s item twice. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me. Repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 154

You deserved it 194

Date grape

By Anonymous - 05/09/2019 14:02 - United States - Staten Island

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were drinking wine naked after sex. He went to get another glass, but on the way back tripped and fell flat on his face. His roommate unexpectedly came home, saw him face-down on the floor, thought I'd drugged him and tackled me before I could explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 154

You deserved it 256

By HR_Risk - 01/09/2017 11:07 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, at the office, I was walking towards a blind man who works in another department. When I realized our paths would collide, I called out that I was on his right because we'd received an email from HR that said this would help him. I was actually on his left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 3 684

Stevie Laurel tells us more.

Stevie Laurel 18

Tuesday 29 August 2017 14:25

OP here! Luckily the guy has a great sense of humor and just laughed it off saying "It's really early in the morning, I get it." He didn't seem upset at all.

By dang. - 20/08/2019 06:03

Today, I figured out the bank account my mom set up for me is actually a joint account, and she gets half the money I deposit. I have been putting money in there for 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 571

By Lisa - 23/08/2019 22:00 - United States - Tupelo

Today, a woman came knocking on my door. Not to sell something or to chat, no. To punch me in the mouth. Apparently, I stole her husband and I'm a homewrecker. We don't have a clue who she is. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and were high school sweethearts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 250

By I’m bushiest - 27/12/2018 12:00 - Australia - Bankstown

Today after flying 9+ hours to meet my future month in-law, I had to take a pee in the rubbish bucket from her car in front of her, I said in my very bad Japanese, “So I guess we are good friends now!” She responded with a confident, “Yes!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 388

By Joe Dirt - 12/11/2017 05:00 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I had building maintenance come look at my water heater because my shower wasn't getting hot. He went over to my shower and turned the handle the other way, and I now had hot water. I've been taking cold showers for 2 months because the plastic water temp indicator was put in backwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 152

You deserved it 5 164

My pleasure, lady

By Semius - 08/05/2019 05:00

Today, I saved a young girl from drowning in a hotel pool with no lifeguards on duty. The girl's mother was too busy on her phone to notice what was happening, and when I called out to her, she started yelling at her daughter for going in too far. Never bothered to thank me for saving her kid either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 152

You deserved it 169

The odds

By Anonymous - 09/06/2019 16:11

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 152

You deserved it 298

Get off my lawn!

By Anonymous - 29/08/2020 14:09

Today, the police came to my house and arrested me. Why? The neighborhood kids thought it would be fun to hide behind my house and shoot at people with paintball guns. People saw it coming from my house and called the police. I was fired from work, due to missing it without notice. No excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 114

Patience

By ToiletProblems - 06/02/2019 14:00 - United States - Northbrook

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 492

Toxic masculinity

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 07:59

Today, my grandad smacked me on the back of the head, and told me to, "Act like a goddamn man and stop crying." It was at the funeral of my mum and sister, who both died in a car crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 129

Maybe he's into that...

By pissypants - 25/11/2017 19:00

Today, at the movies on a date, I drank all my soda and waited too long. I couldn't take it anymore and quickly got up, knocking my date's popcorn on the floor, and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t make it and went home in shame. It’s better he thinks I stood him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 3 568

By Anonymous - 26/01/2019 18:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 397

Dodged some bullshit

By Anonymous - 23/05/2019 14:00

Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 191

By Former Professor - 21/07/2019 22:00

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 215

Spooking cats

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 574

Gross, dudes!

By notsick - 17/03/2019 22:00

Today, my roommate invited her brother over to drink. Neither can handle their drink and her brother is a sympathy spewer. He’s not my guest but I had to clean up vomit until 4 in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 221

Frustration level: 2000

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 05:01

Spicy

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 147

You deserved it 386

By brick - 14/05/2018 16:00 - United States - Geneva

Today, I went to sleep at 7am. I learned once that Indians used to drink tons of water before bed to force themselves awake so I did that in case my alarm (which I hooked up to my speakers) didn't work. The alarm worked, but the shock of the blasting sound made me pee my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 147

You deserved it 3 186

By CathyMary - 20/08/2019 22:00 - United States - New York

Spicy

Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 147

You deserved it 261

By Anonymous - 30/04/2019 16:00

Today, I had to quit my job. Why? Because I don't have a babysitter anymore. All I did was tell them I didn't want them mocking my baby when he cries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 147

You deserved it 342

Beep Beep Who's Got the Keys to the Jeep

By Loser - 11/08/2017 20:00 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I lost my keys while at the supermarket. I franticly back-tracked through the store, asking everyone I saw along the way. They eventually showed up, right where I left them... in my unattended car, the engine still running. There was an announcement made over the PA system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 147

You deserved it 3 424

By Instacreep - 20/03/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 146

You deserved it 4 474

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Argument Annoying Transportation Embarrassing Miscellaneous Pranks Awkward Relatable Kids Parents AITA Work Family Love Poopoo peepee Health Swimming pool My ex NSFW Sex Intimacy Money Raining Painful Medication Relationship advice Psychology Mental health Animals Cats

The Top

The Top

Today, I had to explain to my dad how I rear-ended the car in front of me because of a particularly intense banjo solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 621

You deserved it 19 919

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Right now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 808

You deserved it 5 074

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 066

You deserved it 2 813

Today, I’d finally saved up enough to buy flights home for Christmas. After putting in the info several times, it wouldn’t work, so my husband decided to try and “help.” Not only did he buy flights to the wrong place, but now I have to wait another 5-7 days to be refunded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 735

You deserved it 262

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 241

Today, I tested positive for Covid. Not only do I feel absolutely miserable, but I was at work all day yesterday, interacting with the public. Also, the day before that, I hung out at a friend's house with a 3-month-old infant. If any one of them get Covid, it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 464