Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar...

By Anonymous - 2/1/2015 22:46 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

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Miscellaneous

Trip Advisor says no

My body, my choice

Overbearing much?

By oopsydaddy - 14/8/2018 06:00

Today, my dad asked my help with a computer problem. Whenever he logged on Facebook, every single advertisement appeared to be hardcore porn. I had to awkwardly explain that these ads are based on his browsing habits. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 22:04 - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

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By framed - 2/4/2016 12:30 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By resipsahipsta - 28/6/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I finally cracked the password on my husband's email account. I don't know which is worse: finding out your husband is cheating on you with several people, or finding his password includes his ex-girlfriend's name. FML

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By humiliated - 14/1/2011 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

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By deadandwasted - 20/2/2010 08:20 - United States

Today, I halted a cab. It was 12 degrees and snowing outside. When I went to get in, a man shoved me away and I slipped on ice into dirty snow slush, and he stole my cab. As it drove off, the man flipped me off. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, I was having a hot telephone conversation with my boyfriend who lives in another state. Unfortunately, I even have to fake orgasms during phone sex. FML

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By damgoose - 15/6/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

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By anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:27

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 01:20 - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

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By Adam - 24/5/2011 05:54

Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML

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By worksux - 5/1/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By Brittany - 1/3/2009 20:00 - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

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By lollipopgreen - 1/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

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By hatemyboss - 3/11/2011 16:13 - Canada

Today, I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML

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By GildedByVices - 24/12/2016 08:12 - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

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By BadtoWorse - 23/3/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 14:09

Get off my lawn!

Today, the police came to my house and arrested me. Why? The neighborhood kids thought it would be fun to hide behind my house and shoot at people with paintball guns. People saw it coming from my house and called the police. I was fired from work, due to missing it without notice. No excuses. FML

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By imok - 7/10/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

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By norestforthewicked - 14/2/2017 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

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By Her - 5/12/2016 17:01 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 months told me he doesn't know how he feels about me because he's not excited when we meet and doesn't miss me when we don't text for a while. He decides to tell me this while we're laying in bed right after having sex for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2010 07:22 - United States

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

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By ygrowup2fast - 23/4/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Today, my wife wasn't feeling well. She called her doctor, who isn't seeing patients due to COVID. Had to take her to the ER. After numerous tests, they told her that her potassium levels were low. Diagnosis: eat a banana. When we get the bill(s) from the hospital, this will be the most expensive banana ever. FML

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By skinny dipper - 21/10/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

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By shygurl434 - 15/3/2010 09:14 - United States

Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML

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By screamo - 2/5/2009 20:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By killme - 11/11/2014 17:43 - United States - Warner Robins

Today, after nearly two weeks of being stressed out due to financial issues, I decided to spend my last 4 dollars on stress-relieving body wash. Apparently this particular body wash causes me to break out in hives and now I have no money for rash cream. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2010 10:17 - United States

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2012 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was at my job life-guarding, when a woman pushed the spine-board over, hitting me on the back of my head. She laughed, but I now have a concussion and a stiff neck, and my co-workers can't stop laughing at the "irony." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 17:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

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By sad associate - 19/12/2016 01:51 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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By son - 18/3/2010 11:15 - Israel

Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML

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By cool trick buddy - 1/1/2017 08:59 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was tailgated on the highway. There was a car in the lane next to me, and my tailgater was WAY too close to risk slowing down, so I sped up in order to switch lanes, which bumped me over the speed limit. That's when my tailgater turned on the flashing lights. FML

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By MoreThenFriends - 16/8/2018 22:00

Rachel! Emily!

Today, my friend's father got me mixed up with his new wife when telling stories for his wedding speech. Everyone noticed. The new wife was not pleased. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2017 18:00

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By shit... - 5/7/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

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By sick in Vegas - 7/1/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 10:14 - United States

Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML

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By HotCurry - 5/9/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

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Top comments

By XBurytheCastleX | 25

#6161326 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

I'm sorry, I slipped and hit YDI. Everything is now ruined. FYL

By xlord | 27

#6161324 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

Wow that's crazy!!! I wonder what you get when you turn 50 ?

COMMENTS

By xlord | 27

#6161324 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

Wow that's crazy!!! I wonder what you get when you turn 50 ?

wildgenius | 13

#6162046 - Sunday 4 January 2015 1:54

No sir, it would be a trial oxygen tank

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6167275 - Friday 9 January 2015 3:46

Or a coffin

By patrickeli | 15

#6161325 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

Gosh, that sucks. 40 isn't old, OP. Those people are just money-hungry.

desoxyn242 | 14

#6161362 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:55

40 is the new 30

Just_A_Tree | 20

#6161369 - Saturday 3 January 2015 6:05

70 is the new 20. *hands grandma a parachute*

By XBurytheCastleX | 25

#6161326 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

I'm sorry, I slipped and hit YDI. Everything is now ruined. FYL

By sorryheadphones | 26

#6161329 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:29

I guess 40 is the new 60

lexi365 | 20

#6161405 - Saturday 3 January 2015 7:09

As a 20 year old, that scares me.

By flufee2 | 27

#6161335 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:31

Happy Birthday!

By Murilirum | 23

#6161336 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:31

I see an excellent opportunity for re-gifting.

By emmatheamazingx | 17

#6161340 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:35

Life seems to go by quick but it's just an illusion

By devildog562 | 33

#6161341 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:36

Happy birthday , FML style . Hopefully you can at least have a fun night out .

By everlastingsnow_fml | 14

#6161342 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:37

40 is the new 20! Happy birthday!

By Epickitty58 | 29

#6161346 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:41

If you didn't get anything from your family then you're related to assholes.