Miscellaneous: Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar...

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Dangling modifier

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had a one night stand. After holding in my farts all night as is done, I decided enough was enough and to calmly let one slip out. One did not calmly slip out instead I shit myself in her bed. I was naked at the time so was unable to hide it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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By Karma - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, whilst in the last week of my notice period, I was instructed by my boss to tell six new employees that their jobs had fallen through before they'd even started. Later that afternoon, I received a call from my line manager. Guess whose own job has fallen through too. FML

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By JamesK

Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML

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By Mixta - France - Roubaix

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

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By dirty deeds - 31/5/2020 14:00

Still better than the Cats movie

Today, my brother’s cat pissed on my brand new bed. He refuses to replace the mattress, and claims it wasn’t his cat. We only have one cat. FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

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By snitcheyes - United States

Today, I was called 15 times by a "good redneck boy" that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML

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By ccat209 - United States - Riverton

Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML

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By Quiteannoyed - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By oheyimsarahh - United States

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

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By collball22 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

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By Failure - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

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By Sola

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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By ypsitucky - United States

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

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By burntloyalty - United States

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

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By StupidApple

Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML

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By doilookold

Today, stopping at a rest plaza, the cashier at Wendy’s asked my best friend if I was her mom. We are only two years apart. FML

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By twitch01 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

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By chris - United States

Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML

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By Raiden - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being a feeder, saying that's why she's been putting on so much weight. When I said it might be because she eats at McDonalds everyday, and that I was willing to start cooking low-calorie foods for us, she hit me. Then she went to McDonalds. FML

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By turning red - United States

Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML

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By raiden

Today, it's my first day of high school. It's also my first day of a three-day in-school suspension. The reason? I sat next to a girl and she immediately got up and told the teacher that she didn't "feel safe". FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

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By done - United States - Mercer Island

Today, I started to fill out a job application online, with age being one of the first things I put in. After half an hour and 40 questions, I hit submit. I was then told that I wasn't old enough to apply. FML

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By curiousminx - Australia - Morningside

Today, is my first day as a student nurse. It was also the first day I learnt I was allergic to latex gloves. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a new laptop for Christmas. The picture on the box showed a woman balancing it on one finger to show how light it was, so I tried it myself. I dropped my laptop, breaking the hard drive and putting a massive crack down the screen. FML

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By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

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By nerdygirl101 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By Grounded - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

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By Chubby - United States

Today, I told my boss about a coworker that had been hitting on me. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I was afraid that would happen. He's a bit of a chubby chaser." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I lost my anal virginity because my boyfriend "slipped". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML

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Top comments

By XBurytheCastleX | 25

#6161326 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

I'm sorry, I slipped and hit YDI. Everything is now ruined. FYL

By xlord | 27

#6161324 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

Wow that's crazy!!! I wonder what you get when you turn 50 ?

COMMENTS

By xlord | 27

#6161324 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

Wow that's crazy!!! I wonder what you get when you turn 50 ?

wildgenius | 13

#6162046 - Sunday 4 January 2015 1:54

No sir, it would be a trial oxygen tank

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6167275 - Friday 9 January 2015 3:46

Or a coffin

By patrickeli | 15

#6161325 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

Gosh, that sucks. 40 isn't old, OP. Those people are just money-hungry.

desoxyn242 | 14

#6161362 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:55

40 is the new 30

Just_A_Tree | 20

#6161369 - Saturday 3 January 2015 6:05

70 is the new 20. *hands grandma a parachute*

By XBurytheCastleX | 25

#6161326 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

I'm sorry, I slipped and hit YDI. Everything is now ruined. FYL

By sorryheadphones | 26

#6161329 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:29

I guess 40 is the new 60

lexi365 | 20

#6161405 - Saturday 3 January 2015 7:09

As a 20 year old, that scares me.

By flufee2 | 27

#6161335 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:31

Happy Birthday!

By Murilirum | 23

#6161336 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:31

I see an excellent opportunity for re-gifting.

By emmatheamazingx | 17

#6161340 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:35

Life seems to go by quick but it's just an illusion

By devildog562 | 33

#6161341 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:36

Happy birthday , FML style . Hopefully you can at least have a fun night out .

By everlastingsnow_fml | 14

#6161342 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:37

40 is the new 20! Happy birthday!

By Epickitty58 | 29

#6161346 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:41

If you didn't get anything from your family then you're related to assholes.