Too many to count
Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML
Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML
Today, while getting ready for work, I realized that all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work, I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale, which confirmed that I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML
Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML
Today, my car broke down. The good news is I can afford to have it fixed. The bad news is paying for the fix will wipe out my savings, which I need to get certified for a non-minimum-wage job. FML
Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML
Today, I went into the store where my boyfriend works. I saw him talking to a customer, his back was facing me, so I went up and smacked his butt. Turns out it wasn't him. FML
Today, my mother called to say that my 11-year-old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassels, furry hand cuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn't want to visit me anymore. FML
Today, I took a train for 5 hours to a remote northern community. My belt broke as I was getting off the train. I went to the only store and bought a new belt. Taking it off to go to bed, the new belt broke. I have to go visit clients today with a shoestring holding up my pants. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML
Today, I was drunk at a party and confessed my love for my crush and told her how I felt. According to my friends, I made out with another girl not long after my confession. FML
Today, I was so exhausted that I took a quick nap on the floor of my classroom during one of my free periods. I must have turned off the alarm I set, because I was gently woken up to the giggles of a whole class of students. To make matters worse, I was lying in a big puddle of my own drool. FML
SorrowsReward tells us more.
hey FML legends! OP here. It's true. I fell asleep on my classroom floor... It's a beautiful classroom (which I keep very clean #26) and there are three steps going up onto a carpeted platform which was the scene of this particular crime... It wasn't a particularly comfortable nap, but I hardly noticed at the time. And it certainly was worth it - even considering the slightly-above-average levels of embarrassment I endured for it - I was so tired I was in that state that everything was funny except for my actual existence, which isn't exactly the best mindset to be mounding young minds from... I really should stop burning the candle from both ends! It's an all-girls school, and word spread pretty quickly... but luckily for me I was already regarded as the eccentric music teacher, so sleeping in my empty classroom during a free period is pretty tame in comparison to the things they probably expect from me ?
Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML
Today, I was working when my boss left briefly, leaving me with her elderly, senile mother. Not only did I have to chase her when she ran after a stranger on the road, I turned my back for 5 seconds to do my actual job and she walked off. When my boss returned, I had to tell her I lost her mother. FML
Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says, "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML
Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML
Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML
Today, the price I paid to go on a kayaking trip in the sea was nothing compared to the price that my foot paid when it inadvertently stepped on a sea urchin halfway into the water. FML
Today, I was having my morning coffee while getting ready for work. I grabbed clothes off the floor to throw in the hamper. I accidentally threw my full coffee instead. FML
Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML
Today, I was sitting cross-legged, idly jerkin' the gherkin. I guess I got slightly carried away, because I zoned out, forgot where I was aiming, and came all over the side of my face, up my nose and into my eye. FML
SamWGovan tells us more.
Funniest thing was i started laughing uncontrollably afterwards.
Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML
milliepede tells us more.
milliepede 14
Hi guys! OP here, I know it's a bit late, but here's some more detail. The tattoo I got was an under boob piece, so it's highest point reaches mid cleavage, lowest point in about an inch above my belly button, and it is the width of my entire torso. I had a vest top on underneath my work blouse, and a heavier work blouse on than I would normally wear to combat any nip attacks during the day, I just wasn't expecting to be sat under an air conditioning unit for 9 hours! I'm not allowed to wear a hoody at work due to my office's employee dress code, and as I heal in a few days normally (this is my 10th tattoo) I didn't think I'd need to buy any nipple covers for one day of work! My colleague didn't mean any harm by it, and actually apologized once he read some of these comments! so thanks guys :)
Today, my wife and I were born on the same day, married on our birthday date. Today is our birthday and anniversary, and today we are getting divorced. FML
Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML
Today, my sister pointed out a weird black mass underneath the lace of my dress. Perplexed, I looked down to inspect further and discover a wasp, under my boobs, attempting to build a nest. FML
Seeyounarabish tells us more.
Hi OP here! I was talking with my mom and sister when the wasp somehow made it's way underneath the top part of my dress. I'm not sure how to visualize this for you guys but the top part of the dress has lace that's separate from the rest of the body so it's a bit difficult to notice if a wasp flies into that part because there's a slight gap between the regular fabric and the actual lace. Also because wasps have feet as light as ninjas. I do my laundry regularly, I just thought that the wasp mistook that part of my dress as the perfect place to start building its nest. Or maybe the wind accidentally directed it there? I'm not entirely sure. Anyways, I enjoyed reading everyone's comments and I hope that answers most of y'alls questions! Fortunately, I was lucky enough that the wasp was too confused to sting me! :)
Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML
Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML
Today, I was nervous as hell for my driving test. The instructor told me to drive a straight line in reverse. I forgot to put the car in reverse from drive and drove straight into a parked vehicle. Which happened to be owned by the instructor. FML
Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML
Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML
Today, I found out that shutting off the heat in the rental property my parents owned was a bad idea. The water froze and the pipes burst, causing the whole kitchen ceiling to fall down. The water ruined the wood floors and the appliances. I turned off the heat to save money. FML
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