Today, my mother called to say that my 11 year old nephew found...

By peneloperigby - 3/2/2009 06:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called to say that my 11 year old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassles, furry hand cuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn't want to visit me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12948

You deserved it

31920

Favorite

Kids

Compassion

Vultures

You snooze, you lose

By missmolliss - 25/6/2015 20:59 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28039

You deserved it

3354

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 03:28 - United States - Salem

Today, my brother got upset at his video game and flung his DS at the wall, just as I was walking by. I got knocked out to the sound of someone crossing the finish line in MarioKart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36070

You deserved it

2857

Favorite

By maddy - 21/1/2009 17:03 - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22700

You deserved it

2594

Favorite

By cat lady - 30/8/2014 11:56 - Norway - Egersund

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46361

You deserved it

11307

Favorite

By tryena - 28/2/2009 10:59 - United States

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20246

You deserved it

92403

Favorite

By - 27/1/2017 00:00

Today, I checked my inbox and realized I got an email from a potential employer saying they were having trouble getting ahold of me by phone. They called while my mom was using my phone to look up directions to the place and she answered, kindly hanging up when they asked for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7468

You deserved it

462

Favorite

By KBO - 8/6/2009 06:54 - Australia

Today, I woke up hungover and thirsty, I found a glass of water next to the sink, filled it up with more water, chugged it and went back to bed. I woke up an hour later to my best friend telling me she thought she lost her contacts. They were in a glass next to the sink. I ate her contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32978

You deserved it

43235

Favorite

By Disproportionate - 26/10/2019 16:00

Bent

Today, I noticed that the glasses I got this week seemed off balance. A further inspection showed that one of my ears is bigger than the other. Through even further inspection, my family concluded that the entire right side of my body is higher than my left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1408

You deserved it

140

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 17:27 - United States - Placentia

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20491

You deserved it

8387

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 22:16 - Canada

Today, my lazy manager, who blatantly spreads vicious rumors about employees, one which has ruined a marriage, has started targeting me because her lazy daughter was legally fired. Now I'm known around the office as "the whore who slept her way up the corporate ladder." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27658

You deserved it

1825

Favorite

By last literate - 27/10/2011 16:15 - Canada

Today, my boss made me run yet another stupid errand. When I delivered the paperwork to his office, I saw an email printout on his desk. Apparently, he has a plan in the works to get me "fried" next month. I'm not sure whether to give him a letter of resignation or a bottle of barbecue sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28234

You deserved it

2725

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25346

You deserved it

3245

Favorite

By CMANIA - 7/9/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt - right by my left nipple. Absentmindedly, I licked my finger and tried rubbing the stain out. When I looked up, the Vice President was staring at me in disbelief. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39924

You deserved it

6587

Favorite

By StillFriendless - 25/11/2016 15:20

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9579

You deserved it

2758

Favorite

By lostmystuff - 7/7/2013 06:35 - United States - Livermore

Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51579

You deserved it

25053

Favorite

By Soundofaboner - 23/4/2013 16:08 - United States

Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76210

You deserved it

10061

Favorite

By ouch. - 8/12/2012 10:44 - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, my friend and I told each other about our boyfriends. They're both nice, kind, beautiful, talented, funny, sweet and smart. They also both have the same name. And house. And job. And car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48299

You deserved it

3218

Favorite

By John - 30/6/2012 05:08 - United States - Watertown

Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28244

You deserved it

3583

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 00:05 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42086

You deserved it

3800

Favorite

By public pooper - 25/4/2013 00:16 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I really like. I let him use my phone, forgetting about the messages I'd sent about the consistency of my bowel movements. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33314

You deserved it

15146

Favorite

By allalone - 14/7/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27261

You deserved it

45209

Favorite

By praise the prenup - 3/10/2012 00:04 - United States - Delaware

Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36662

You deserved it

2996

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/9/2018 13:00

Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3625

You deserved it

252

Favorite

By Omar Khalaf - 28/9/2017 01:30

Wham!

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2971

You deserved it

376

Favorite

By IB6UB9 - 28/11/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66016

You deserved it

6939

Favorite

By problemchild - 2/11/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I went to a family counseling session because my parents are getting a divorce. I told the counselor that I feel guilty because I feel like I caused it. She says that there is no way I could have caused it, that it's my parents' problem when my mom interrupts her to say "Yes she did." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46341

You deserved it

3699

Favorite

By notgoodenough38 - 27/12/2010 22:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49498

You deserved it

3849

Favorite

By evil Santa - 25/12/2014 03:48 - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34028

You deserved it

3189

Favorite

By Bladerunner - 1/12/2011 09:49 - United States

Today, my car was towed. After taking a cab all the way to the lot for $45 and paying the $250 fee to get my car back, my car broke down in the impound lot and needed to be towed to the nearest shop, where it took another $200 to fix, and $50 for the towing. I still have a 3 hour drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34021

You deserved it

3502

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 13:17 - United States - Gadsden

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27464

You deserved it

2768

Favorite

By ineedanewjob - 9/4/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54903

You deserved it

36111

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 02:00 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26768

You deserved it

1730

Favorite

By rahrahcakes - 19/3/2012 07:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33544

You deserved it

12736

Favorite

By notmine - 20/4/2014 02:39 - India - New Delhi

Today, I work at a food joint as a chef, and a customer found a long strand of hair in her food. The manager blamed me, even though I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48571

You deserved it

3527

Favorite

By badmom - 10/6/2009 18:09 - Canada

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks

134533

You deserved it

80311

Favorite

By signupsheetfail - 12/8/2009 19:02 - Canada

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21771

You deserved it

41520

Favorite

By kikinemo - 16/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10907

You deserved it

43519

Favorite

By damnedbydurberg - 22/11/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40691

You deserved it

3356

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I watched a grizzled, old gas station attendant with a stain on her blouse use my driver's license to pick something out of her teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36094

You deserved it

2899

Favorite

By afraidofcans - 23/10/2012 16:01 - United States - Stafford

Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23648

You deserved it

4402

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By aridawn | 0

#31594 - Saturday 14 March 2009 19:50

I wouldn't want him over anymore if he's digging through your stuff! What a little brat!

By Guiseppi | 0

#17810 - Friday 6 March 2009 9:44

Heh, nipple tassels. That's just funny.

Comments

By Imdead | 0

#400 - Friday 6 February 2009 19:06

And what do you do for a living?

By sanjuro_fml | 0

#3874 - Thursday 19 February 2009 8:15

Tell the kid's ma to keep him out your stuff or you going to use it on him!

sharpfeather | 7

#4880464 - Friday 31 August 2012 10:05

That's just fucked up dude...

thonyan | 5

#6160919 - Friday 2 January 2015 19:24

Rapest

By macfluffers | 0

#9893 - Sunday 1 March 2009 6:01

This is why locks were invented. I think.

By Guiseppi | 0

#17810 - Friday 6 March 2009 9:44

Heh, nipple tassels. That's just funny.

By aridawn | 0

#31594 - Saturday 14 March 2009 19:50

I wouldn't want him over anymore if he's digging through your stuff! What a little brat!

By cheerup4lifesux | 0

#36175 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:31

Nice life. :P

By thrawg | 0

#58938 - Thursday 26 March 2009 2:31

#5 LOL

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5904219 - Thursday 3 April 2014 23:12

Idiot getting thumbed down... LOL

By Emmett_Luver_101 | 0

#107507 - Monday 13 April 2009 15:13

ok numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8 *ESPECIALLY 9* and 12 MADE MY DAY LOL
and poster ive been in the kids shoes before i was looking around in my famlies closet and found nipple cream
gag
and my mom could have lied, cuz i told her at first i thought it belonged to the people that lived there before us, but she actually told me it was hers
i dont go in the closet anymore
oooo i should make that an fml lol

By WildBill1337 | 0

#112202 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 3:00

and how old is the OP........wow.........

By 24788 | 6

#170485 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 8:25

lol, kids are nosy.