Work: Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time,...

By coffee - 07/03/2013 13:44 - United States

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 024

You deserved it 37 017

Work

Compromises

Dementia or hate? You decide

Sounds like a catch

By Noname - 25/02/2009 22:06 - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 680

You deserved it 3 587

By benoit - 15/03/2013 12:35 - France

Today, I walked into work, a day after losing my shit with our systems admin, due to her taking ages to enable my new email account. I was soon bitched out, warned, and suspended over several lewd emails having been sent overnight from my account to various female co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 046

You deserved it 33 657

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 11:17 - Australia

Today, I realized that I hadn't shaved in so long that when the wind blew, the hairs on my legs moved in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 821

You deserved it 49 399

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 02:43 - United States - Boston

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 984

You deserved it 3 759

By hatemyluck - 10/09/2012 02:12 - United States - Bronx

Today, my boyfriend was showing me photos on his iPod when he came across a photo of a half-naked girl. He tried to play it off by quickly changing it, only to reveal even more half-naked girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 452

You deserved it 3 247

Someone else

By Anonymous - 30/01/2020 20:00

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 987

You deserved it 346

By Anonymous - 14/08/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 304

You deserved it 3 035

By MarkQ95 - 21/07/2013 23:58 - Ireland

Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 800

You deserved it 59 594

By brokedad - 10/05/2013 01:41 - United States

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 563

You deserved it 7 344

Gassy

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 22:53 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 899

You deserved it 9 045

By Not Engaged - 06/03/2015 23:30 - United Kingdom - Stourbridge

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 437

You deserved it 3 080

By Anonymous - 27/01/2017 04:00

Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 598

You deserved it 911

By MedChew - 08/05/2015 12:46 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 516

You deserved it 2 130

By ihatebeingacashier - 11/07/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 180

You deserved it 723

By Anonymous - 01/11/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 233

You deserved it 3 488

By Anonymous - 19/09/2015 05:24 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm travelling across the country with my family. My grandma thought it would be a good idea to take her shoes off. It's been 5 minutes and my eyes are watering from the stench. We still have over 200 miles left until we get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 894

You deserved it 1 552

By diapersplease - 07/06/2015 01:17 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 347

You deserved it 2 702

By Anonymous - 01/10/2018 15:30

Today, I learned that one should not sleep with their roommate's friends, especially the ones that never go home. I spent the whole weekend in my room just to avoid the awkwardness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 3 414

Grab it while you can

By Arabian_Soap - 31/05/2021 16:01 - Australia - Mermaid Beach

Today, I was walking through a rich part of the city and saw 2 dollars on the ground. I didn't pick it so people wouldn't think I was poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 1 067

By Jerf - 24/06/2009 00:56 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on, and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 827

You deserved it 9 774

By Anonymous - 03/02/2013 07:32 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was running late for work and quickly grabbed my outfit from the dryer. I heard the crackling of static as I took out my shirt. I didn't think anything of it, until later when my co-worker pointed out I had a thong stuck to my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 186

You deserved it 7 842

By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 499

You deserved it 4 186

By "taelor14" - 08/11/2017 01:30

Today, after boarding my flight, the flight attendant looked at me and said that I had to sit elsewhere because I had to be over 14 to sit near the emergency exit. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 326

You deserved it 295

By lilzoot - 08/02/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, I played games on Barbie.com and gave up after 10 minutes. They were hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 477

You deserved it 41 896

Lookalikes

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 13:58 - Germany - Bruchsal

Today, my boyfriend told me that his daughter only liked me because she thought that we look like siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 69

It's Thursday!

By horriblefashionsense - 26/09/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 519

You deserved it 6 240

By BerkeleyBiker - 19/04/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 291

You deserved it 3 711

Wow, thanks, I'm cured

By Anonymous - 29/04/2021 16:59

Today, I'm on the verge of losing my job because of my poor mental health. I've been on a wait list for therapy/psych services for over a year already. My boss's response was, "It can't be that bad, just stop thinking about it." I have PTSD, OCD, BPD, ADHD, bipolar depression and anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 195

PTSD FML

By Eddward - 15/06/2021 06:00

Today, I was working a phone call in a call center when I suddenly began to faint while at it. It turned out to be a bad dream I'd woken up from, because it's been three months since I've worked at that call center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 77

By Anonymous - 15/06/2009 18:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a horrible day at work, came home early and burst into tears as soon as I was in the door. I curled up on the sofa, still bawling, and my cat came over and jumped up for a cuddle. I gave her a hug and she threw up down my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 936

You deserved it 4 731

By nikki - 04/08/2012 20:05 - Greece - K

Today, what I thought would be a romantic sleepover with the guy I like quickly turned into hell on earth when his girlfriend showed up. I had to scale the fire escape in my underwear so I could get back to my car in one piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 870

You deserved it 36 348

By firecrotch - 04/06/2010 05:36 - United States

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 773

You deserved it 35 367

By Username - 05/06/2019 20:00

Today, at the beach, I swam pretty far out into the ocean. I ended up getting pummelled by the waves and got a painful cramp in my leg. The whole beach watched me flail and scream, while my friends rolled their eyes as they dragged me out of the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 373

You deserved it 885

By Anonymous - 11/08/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 467

You deserved it 7 926

By ugh - 14/06/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 631

You deserved it 3 911

By botharebad - 13/03/2010 05:14 - Canada

Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment, when I came across a lacy black thong in the laundry. When confronted, he swore it was his. I don't know what's worse, the possibility that another woman left it there, or the idea that my boyfriend owns and wears women's lingerie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 348

You deserved it 3 238

By hailsatan666 - 09/06/2012 18:43 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out through Instagram that the guy I'm dating has a wife and two kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 313

You deserved it 4 276

School's out for summer, thank God!

By reluctant teacher - 15/06/2019 19:41 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I had 15 teenagers literally laugh in my face when I asked them to be quiet. I'm a student teaching in a high school, which is the culmination of 2 years of my life and $20,000, and I might in fact actually hate doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 671

You deserved it 280

By Anonymous - 04/09/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, a customer came in who only spoke Spanish. I speak Spanish rather well so I helped the customer. She ended up buying $2300 worth of stuff. I got written up because not speaking English apparently "has the potential be offensive to other customers if they are not able to understand you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 049

You deserved it 3 488

By Anonymous - 21/02/2016 19:02 - United States - North Scituate

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 393

You deserved it 1 852

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

greenie213 23

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:45

At least he's honest. Now try shutting your mouth every now and again.

Pleonasm 35

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:50

Maybe you should get the hint, stop whining and enjoy your warm cup of shut the fuck up.

ALlamaOnFire 20

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:45

I thought coffee was meant to have the opposite effect...

ironichalibut 24

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:47

At least you have coffee? He could've told you to shut-up in a way that didn't involve you getting free coffee.

ironichalibut 24

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:50

I meant this to go somewhere else entirely. While I'm here though, I agree, coffee makes me jittery and talkative, I thought that's what it was supposed I do.

alycion 38

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 19:34

While it makes some talkative, they still have to shut up while drinking it. I know when I worked in an office, I would often come in in the morning and do the most work because of ideas I had floating in my head from the night before. Others would take an hour or so to settle in and go talk with everyone. If I needed to be left alone to write code I would put on my headphones. In my office, that was the universal sign that someone needed to be left alone to get something done.

AKGirlinSD 20

Send a private message

Friday 8 March 2013 9:00

^Valid point. Yes, coffee is usually used to wake people up and/or keep them going throughout the day. OP is probably quiet while drinking coffee. But the co-worker should have just told OP that work needs to be done and he doesn't have time to chit-chat.

greenie213 23

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:45

At least he's honest. Now try shutting your mouth every now and again.

AnyaS 19

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 21:40

And stop getting free coffee? OP needs to talk more! :p

JenkJenks 6

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 23:56

Tell him you will shut up for a latte and a muffin. If he wants to buy your silence he can do better than just coffee.

ironichalibut 24

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:48

At least you got coffee? He could've told you that you talk too much in a way that doesn't involve free coffee.

Unbweavable 17

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:48

Maybe you should reevaluate yourself. Maybe your a loud mouth. Or a bitch

possy 19

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:48

I see this as a win win for both parties. Free coffee for you, with a smile I'm sure and more productivity for the other. A good deed is done for the day!

possy 19

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:54

Ps, as a return gift for him, write a thank you note, along with some ear plugs!

karlcolt45 19

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:48

it's like a caffeinated pacifier! who's a good baby?? youuuu areeeee

Keevarou 17

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:48

I thought ninjas got most things for free

Pleonasm 35

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:50

Maybe you should get the hint, stop whining and enjoy your warm cup of shut the fuck up.

Pleonasm 35

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 19:12

I'm on my coffee break, the boss didn't want to hear me make one more work related pun

SqueakyChipmunk 20

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 22:00

Would you like one of my shutthefuckup-cakes? Theyre like regular cupcakes, but once you take a bit, they expand in your mouth and prevent any sound from getting through. It may prevent oxygen from getting through too...

gymnastlove 4

Send a private message

Friday 8 March 2013 0:29

no.

Gestpacho88 12

Send a private message

Friday 8 March 2013 1:44

Mr. Pleonasm what are the ingredients for the cup of shut the fuck up?

SqueakyChipmunk 20

Send a private message

Friday 8 March 2013 2:02

You're just mad cause you choked on one. Wait, that didn't come out right.

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:51

I can officially be called a corpse until I have my coffee in the morning.

Pleonasm 35

Send a private message

Thursday 7 March 2013 18:53

Do they keep you in the morgue, and then give you a caffeine drip at an alotted hour? You must really be feared around the hospital if they regulate your biological state.